Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya mate?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know d**khead, you f**king pulled me over.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "as the bus came yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here @sshole!

2007-12-18 08:51:58 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

On Christmas Day, three men die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the "Pearly gates", St. Peter greets them yet reminds them, because they had been very bad, they needed to go to Hell but since it was Christmas Day, he would pardon them if only each and every one of the man had brought something that would represent "Christmas".
The first man, had an "ornament" and was led into heaven. The second man had a pine branch with him, and was also led into heaven and the third guy, had a pair of red panties. St. Peter asks:" And how would this have anything to do with Christmas?" The man replied:" These are Carol's"

2007-12-18 08:50:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. "Pop! Goes The Hamster!"...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

2007-12-18 08:46:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

He's only five and wanted me to post his jokes so here goes...

What's a cats favourite colour? Purrrrple!

What's small, brown and round and sneaks around the kitchen at christmas?
Mince spies!!

2007-12-18 08:46:05 · 69 answers · asked by moonworshipper 3

Grand Washington Bull$hit.

2007-12-18 08:15:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she
lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration,
that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too
romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a
dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a
pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter.



Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go
out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen
the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones(which are easier
to
remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly
soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to
wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they
will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Ron.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them
folded down
with a little bit of fur showing

2007-12-18 07:58:41 · 18 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

At a Funeral Home on top of a steep hill they were just ending a service and taking the coffin out to the hearse, when the coffin got away from the pall bearers and went rolling down the down the street on the steep hill. Horrified, everyone ran after it, but only the funeral director caught up to it. Just as he reached it, he tripped and fell on top of the coffin. He clung on for dear life as the coffin raced faster down the hill, bouncing off some parked cars and whizzed through the open doorway of a drug store at the bottom of the hill.

Now picture this in your minds eye. The funeral director says to the startled pharmacist as he whizzes past him, "Hey, what have you got to stop this coffin?"

2007-12-18 07:36:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Interesting Tidbits

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word entered into the English language.

-------------------------------------------

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

-------------------------------------------

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

-------------------------------------------

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

-------------------------------------------

Coca-Cola was originally green.

-------------------------------------------

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

-------------------------------------------

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

-----------------------------------------

The cost of raising a medium -size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

-----------------------------------------

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000

------------------------------------------------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

----------------------------------------------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

----------------------------------------------

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

--------------------------------------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

--- ---------------------------------------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

----------------------------------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

-----------------------------------------------------

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

-----------------------------------------------

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

----------------------------------------------

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

------------------------------------------

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

---------------------------------------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

----------------------------------------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

--------------------------------------------------------

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

----------------------------------------------------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

-----------------------------------------------------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

------------------------------------------------------------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

-----------------------------------------------------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

--------------------------------------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

------------------------------------------------------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
-

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulacltyv uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

--------------------------------------------------------

2007-12-18 06:36:25 · 12 answers · asked by Zenkai 6

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.

Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscels to extend your arm and

bi*ch-slap that motherfucker
upside the head

2007-12-18 06:32:00 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

after they walk out the store and are loading it in the truck the owner has Xmas feelings, he thinks I charged them too much.
He calls his young clerk and gives him 5 ONE DOLLAR bills he says "Hey go give thise guys $5.00 back.I'll charge them $25.00 for the table.
As the clerk is walking out of the store he thinks heck with it "!I'll give them $1.00 each back and keep two.So he does this ..They each paid $10.00 got one dollar back = $9.00 each 3 x 9 = $27.00 plus TWO DOLLARS the clerk put in his pocket is $29.00 ???? Where did the other dollar GO ?

2007-12-18 06:18:40 · 18 answers · asked by davejoyce1286 2

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere."

2007-12-18 05:30:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

little johnny’s dad thinks that today he has got to screw johnny’s mom.he goes home all excited but finds out that little johnny came from school early.knowing that johnny will let him do it so he tells johnny to go and stand in the balcony and tell him what is happening outside.little johnny goes out and dad hurries up and starts humping.just then little johnny says " a dog is shitting the park ".dad tells him to look and tell about something nice.so after a while johnny says " betty’s mom is getting screwed ".dad stops and asks him " how the **** can you say that ? " johnny replies " because betty is also standing in the balcony "

2007-12-18 05:24:06 · 13 answers · asked by Rip Van W 3

they were taking a shower together, the other penguin said "can u hand me the soap" the other penguin said "what do i look like?, a Radio?" lol

2007-12-18 04:16:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Has anyone what's going on ""HERE"" today?

Hint: Y****O

2007-12-18 04:06:22 · 7 answers · asked by tim b 5

2007-12-18 04:04:59 · 4 answers · asked by gini 1

A Lickalotapuss

2007-12-18 03:53:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Both their last greatest hit was The Wall

2007-12-18 03:45:14 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walked into a corner shop and ask the Indian gentleman if he would kindly sell her a pound of dead flies for her fish.
I am so sorry madam the Indian gentleman says but I do not sell dead flies.
Why not? ask the lady, you have a load in the window.

2007-12-18 03:33:49 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local pub. One of them says, "You know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's v*gina and then rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's v*gina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring b0ner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's v*gina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!"
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

2007-12-18 03:27:12 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat
12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra
bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for
supper!

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the
rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it
improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me
why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl
and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I
got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress
it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom
keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my
disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for
tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom
into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate
moose.

2007-12-18 03:26:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The job!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

The gas company!

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor, and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter.

2007-12-18 03:25:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh*t."

2007-12-18 03:21:50 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,
" No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME!"

2007-12-18 02:59:57 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK WHEN...


? You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
? You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
? Job interfering with your drinking.
? Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
? Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
? The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
? Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
? 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
? Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
? You can focus better with one eye closed.
? The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
? Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
? Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
? Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
? At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
? Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
? You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
? The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

2007-12-18 02:37:23 · 9 answers · asked by jay_gblink 3

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender says "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" so the man picks up the monkey nad leaves.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ***, pulls it out then eats it.
The bartender says " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his *** then eat it?"
The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

2007-12-18 02:34:39 · 14 answers · asked by jay_gblink 3

2007-12-18 02:33:18 · 8 answers · asked by Maggy Beth 2

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

2007-12-18 02:31:57 · 22 answers · asked by jay_gblink 3

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing ?1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

2007-12-18 02:27:52 · 15 answers · asked by jay_gblink 3

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me ... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.' He held her hand and said, 'Second, Let's have a cup of coffee, and then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.' "

2007-12-18 02:26:33 · 17 answers · asked by Downy c 1

Blame the dog
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let out a little fart, and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and his date's mother yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."

He releases another fart, and the mother again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally, after an especially bad fart, she yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!"

2007-12-18 02:25:28 · 4 answers · asked by master chief 1