What is the funniest joke you've ever heard?

Answer 1

Stop me if you heard it! 3 women die in a car wreck and St. Peter meets them at the gate and welcomes them. He says " only rule we have is don't step on any ducks. The lord loves ducks and wants to raise a bunch of them". So the 3 ladies for the first week are very careful not to step on a duck, but one lady eventually does. St. Peter shows up with a chain and an ugly man and chains the ugly man to the lady. The other 2 are horrified at the punishment and extra careful where they step. But after a while the second one steps on a duck and the same thing happens to her. Well the third lady really tries to not step on a duck, But one day St. Peter shows up with a chain and a gorgeous young man and ties them together. The lady smiles and says," wow, what did I do to deserve this"? The gorgeous man says, well I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck! Happy Holidays.

Answer 2

this is the funniest one i heard today, i cant think of the funniest one i have EVER heard....

Duck call
One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."

So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.

So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap.

And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.

All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."

Co
8 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.
Additional Details
8 minutes ago

nfused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."

He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."

Answer 3

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

Answer 4

funniest? haven't heard one yet

Answer 5

Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? ooops, x-rated answer so I can't tell the answer.. but it had me laughing so hard.

Answer 6

a guy with an orange for a head is walking down a street..

another guy goes up to him and says 'hey what happened to you??'

the orange head man says 'well..i was given 3 wishes by a genie..'

man:'what did you wish for?'

orange man: 'first i wished for a house..then i wished for a wife..'

man: 'and what was your last wish??'

orange man: 'well..isnt it obvious? i wished for an orange for a head!'

haha this is an either you adore it or hate it joke..makes me laugh so so much!

Answer 7

q: why did the chicken cross the road?

a: to show the raccoons that it could be done.

Answer 8

yeah, here's one.
Q: how to make sure the plane you are on doesn't crash?
A: you just think about it crashing....you try to imagine it crashing.... you daydream about it crashing. ....because.........daydreams never come true. :)