Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

i was asked this riddle and just cannot think of the answer...

2007-12-19 03:50:23 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful and brilliant women.
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

2007-12-19 03:35:24 · 26 answers · asked by Jim 7

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

2007-12-19 01:17:20 · 17 answers · asked by Autism's Beautiful Face 7

Circuit takes a flight to Singapore and he is seated next to an Englishman. Circuit open his tiffin and serves himself a roti.

ENGLISHMAN What is this?

CIRCUIT Bread India

Circuit then open the box of jalebi.

ENGLISHMAN What is this?

CIRCUIT Sweet India

With all the food he hogged on, Munna farts(passes air out). The Englishman is offended and in shock asks …

ENGLISHMAN What is that?

CIRCUIT Air India!!! Hahahahaha......

2007-12-19 01:15:43 · 9 answers · asked by World Vision 4

Tom and Johnny were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, Johnny suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. Tom jumped in and saved
Johnny and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.

Then doctor said to Tom:
"We have good news and bad news for you, Tom. The good news is we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient. The bad news is,the patient, Johnny whom you had saved hung himself in the toilet."

Tom said:
" He didn't hang himself. He was wet after drowning so I hung him there to dry. "

2007-12-19 00:38:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Thou shalt not rent Sleepless in Seattle.

2. When on a fishing trip with the guys, never, no matter how sunburned you and your buds may be....is it appropriate to rub sunscreen on each other's backs.

3. When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

4. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't see nothin'.

5. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

6. When in need to go pee, there is a minimum of one empty urinal between you and another man. If this is not possible, you're out of luck----hold it 'til later.

7. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call you on it. (Exception: When trying to pick-up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%).

8. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

9. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

10. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

11. Things that you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SAT's, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

12. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own-- weed whacker, car, firstborn child----within 12 hours' notice.

If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don't notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.

2007-12-19 00:20:45 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her all at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, the Poodle decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one of you who uses the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Labrador Retriever speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "that shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?"

"Um...I HATE liver and cheese!" blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you?"

The last of the three males is a handsome exiled Cuban dog. He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... "Liver alone, Cheese mine."

2007-12-19 00:18:24 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
13. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink like that again"!
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

2007-12-19 00:12:48 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

No offense to all Law Enforcement Officers

2007-12-18 23:14:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I`d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I`ll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That`s wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this(small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That`s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

2007-12-18 23:08:44 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murdered. Who did it and how did they know?

2007-12-18 22:55:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

My first is in simple and also in shrimp
My seconds in heating but isn`t in skimp
My third is in seeker and also in shrek
My fourth is in heater but isn`t in heck
My fifth is in Mary but isn`t in Meg
My sixth is in angry and also in peg
My sevenths in lotion and also in lot
My eighth is in portion and also in trot
My ninth is in moody and also in mood
My tenth is in cloudy but isn`t in brood
My elevenths in angry and also in and
My twelth is in Sandy and also in sand
This thing in the fairground could make your head spin
And if you don`t like it, you won`t try again

2007-12-18 22:22:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of
the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?
Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching your
mate to drive and wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these
things. We therefore rush to print with an emergency prompt list
of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.


"You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy.
You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow,
red, red, green, blue..."

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"

"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry
that sucker."

"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't
just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than
your father."

"Give me that!"

"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the
top."

"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we greed
it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Where's the cat?"

2007-12-18 21:15:16 · 9 answers · asked by Jake5282 3

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.



However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal,Sonny!"


For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.



John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE ME!!!"

2007-12-18 19:18:54 · 10 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

A hasbian.

2007-12-18 19:00:14 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because he only comes once a year and that's down the chimney.

2007-12-18 18:51:55 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

With out a doubt.Explain your encounter.

2007-12-18 18:04:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mother: Is Ur new boyfriend respectable?
Daughter: Of course! He's thrifty, doesno't drink,has a very nice wife and three well-behaved childern,go to night club.

2007-12-18 16:50:14 · 9 answers · asked by GargVK 7

Tickle my _________

2007-12-18 16:40:30 · 24 answers · asked by brendan- da man and da myth 3

please tell me the answer lol i don't even know. it had something to do with her vision and no she was not near a road. the girl was real and she was in a room. thats all i know

2007-12-18 16:32:12 · 7 answers · asked by sam999999108 1

I was walking down the street the other day when i met a man with a top hat and a cane. I said hello to the man and he then proceeded to tip his hat an drew his cane. Now in this riddle i gave you the name of the man with the top hat. What is the mans name?

2007-12-18 16:27:09 · 8 answers · asked by stainlessj 2

2007-12-18 16:14:24 · 20 answers · asked by billblasphemy 6

This one is for you, "Sexy Blue Eyes".
Two Italian men get on the bus in America and begin an animated conversation-
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses, dey come together. Den i come again and pee twice. Den i come once more"
An elderly lady sitting in front looked around and angrilly said, "You filty, foul mouth swine! In this country, we don`t talk about our sex lives in public!"
"You coola down, lady", said one of the Italians.
"I`ma justa teaching my friend here how to spella Mississippi"

2007-12-18 16:13:22 · 8 answers · asked by Boon Q 5

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2007-12-18 15:25:57 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for doctor brain?"

"5 dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"90 dollars an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

2007-12-18 14:19:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

hi! i have a project to do and i need options! is this riddle good or no.i would perfer honest answers!

Every time I touch someone
they go through a lot of pain
but sometimes I can bring joy
and I help with preparing food
they use me for good and
some people use me for bad
I like to eat anything in my path
I also hate water
WHAT AM I?





fire

2007-12-18 13:57:55 · 6 answers · asked by Vicky 2

Make it like a joke. Im bored (Dont take it seriously. I dont mean I want to make fun of that guy thats dying)

2007-12-18 13:45:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Make it a joke. Im bored lol

2007-12-18 13:41:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

plz help me plz plz plz plz

2007-12-18 13:16:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

2007-12-18 13:04:11 · 14 answers · asked by ej6civic 3