Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

It starts out scary, but its funny. Tell me if its lame, or LAUGH OUT LOUD FUNNY!~ There were three kids in the living room. They heard a noise, " When the log rolls over, we will die!!". They search everywhere for the noise. They heard it in the kitchen. They heard it again, but louder. "When the log rolls over, we will die!!" They went to the next room, the bathroom. They heard it coming from the toilet. They opened the lid, and there were three flies on a piece of poop saying, " WHEN THE LOG ROLLS OVER, WE WILL DIE!!!!!" This made me laugh when I heard it from a friend! Tell me what you think!

2007-12-20 08:25:40 · 15 answers · asked by alicia<3 5

As I recall, there was a professional drinking contest run ever year out of Venice Italy and the winner for several years in a row was a local Italian guy.

Well as you would have it, one day an American tourist was passing through and he heard about this world champion drinker. So he challenged him to a unsanctioned drinking match.

Now no one was aware of this, but the American was a major league alcoholic. So they had their contest and when it was all over, the American tourist had drunk the Italian under the table.

First time in recorded history that anyone ever drank a Venetian blind.

2007-12-20 08:12:23 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was Christmas time and the housewife was waiting impatiently at the front gate for the garbage truck. One by one, she took the dustbin men to the bedroom and made passionate love to them.
Finally, it was the driver's turn, but he was bitterly disappointed when she gave him £20.
"What's this?", he cried.
"For Christmas", she replied. "My husband said, 'give the driver £20 and f*ck the rest."

2007-12-20 07:14:59 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok... If I say "Everything I tell you is a lie," am I telling the truth or a lie?

2007-12-20 07:10:34 · 21 answers · asked by DigitalKid 3

I'm not sure if I had post this before.I lost track of where I last copied a joke from the joke file.Anyway,here goes.

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.


In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

2007-12-20 07:05:17 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK; try another cup ...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of

2007-12-20 07:04:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-20 06:54:14 · 12 answers · asked by Virus 3

2007-12-20 06:46:54 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-20 06:45:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i wanted to send you something sexy for christmas but the mail man told me to get my *** out of the mail box

2007-12-20 06:11:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Help me please, I have ticks everywhere
The strongest of pesticides will me do little here.
They come quite regularly, though they’re quite benign
Look as hard as you can, but you’ll never find

Who needs help?

Even though we act different, we’re exactly the same
I’m the first thing you owned, even before your name
With me right is left and left is right
You’ll never be rid of me, try as you might

Who am I?

We rule over a letter and numbers one to ten
Except for a vowel, every now and then
In this household, we share our space
We’ll always be truthful, even though we’re two-faced

What are we?

What do all of these have?

*think of the word that all of them have, if you know the answer use a different word to unite them all*

2007-12-20 04:51:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a rooster layed an egg on aroof right in the center which way would it fall

If sally owned a one story house and everything was pink pink pink what color would the stairs be?

Answers will come later for u fans lol

2007-12-20 04:22:50 · 9 answers · asked by Tennessee GUrl 2

Snooker Table...

2007-12-20 03:27:09 · 30 answers · asked by Shades 3

An A.C. man died and in some mix up he went to hell instead of Heaven. Well God found out about it and gave satan a visit telling him "You have my air condititon man in hell, he was supposed to come up here to Me and I want him now." Satan replied " Well thats to bad he is here to stay. since hes been here it has been nice and cool."Then God in His anger said to satan "If you dont release him to me I will have to sue you." Satan just laughed in His face and said "Yeah right where are YOU gonna find a lawyer!"

2007-12-20 03:21:43 · 6 answers · asked by ? 3

i did this randomly last time, it was a scary experience haha..
i went backwards fast and almost fell

2007-12-20 03:08:02 · 18 answers · asked by Kevlar 3

Four men were in a boat on the lake. The boat turns over, and all four men sink to the bottom of the lake, yet not a single man got wet! Why?

2007-12-20 03:03:31 · 21 answers · asked by ☆Erin☆ 4

A big husky farm kid turns sixteen, so his father figures it's time to send him to town to get himself a woman. The farmer has very little money, so he gives the kid a duck and tells him to get a woman in trade.
The kid goes to town, goes into a whorehouse, and tells the madam he wants a girl in exchange for the duck. The madam laughs in his face, but one of the girls feels sorry for him and takes him upstairs.
They go into a room, they get undressed, he gets on her, and he gives her a f*cking like she hasn't had in years.
When they're done, she says, "Kid, if you'll do that to me again, I'll let you keep your duck."
He does it again, then grabs the duck, leaves the whorehouse, and heads for home. He's almost home when he sees the neighbor's daughter bending over the cabbages, and she's got no underwear on. He thinks about the night before, and he starts for her.
Her father sees him and stops him.
He says, "I recognize that gleam in your eye, son. I was young once, myself. Here, take this ten-dollar bill and go on home and leave my daughter alone."
So the kid walks up to his house carrying the duck. His father sees him and gets upset.
He says, "Boy, I sent you to town to get a woman with that animal."
The kid says, "Well, Paw, I got a f*ck for a duck, a duck for a f*ck, ten bucks for duckin' a f*ck, and I still got the f*ckin' duck."

2007-12-20 02:58:43 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.
> As he got to the register he realized he had
> forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
> She asked, 'What size condoms?
> The customer replied that he didn't know.
> She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She
> reached over the counter,grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms,Till 5.
> The next man in line thought this was interesting,
> and like most of us,was up for a cheap thrill.
> When he got up to the register, he told the checker
> that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She gave him a quick
> feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of
> medium-sized condoms, Till 5.

2007-12-20 02:41:28 · 6 answers · asked by catLover 2

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S *** SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S *** OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ***. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

2007-12-20 02:32:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Trouble at the Nudist Colony
John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then layes him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

John says

2007-12-20 02:25:36 · 9 answers · asked by master chief 1

You might be from Wisconsin if...
- You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

- Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

- Snow tires come standard on all your cars.

- You refer to the Packers as "we".

- At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm.

- You can make sense out of the words "UPNORT" and "BATREE".

- Your have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.

- You can identify a Michigan accent.

- You know what "cow-tipping" is.

- You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.

- "Down south" to you means Chicago.

- Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee.

- The "big three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee and PBR.

- A brat is something that you eat.

- You have no problems spelling "Milwaukee".

- You consider Madison "exotic".

- You got a passport to go to Minnesota.

- Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers.

2007-12-20 02:21:24 · 6 answers · asked by master chief 1

What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?

Hair that stands straight up on your head!

2007-12-20 02:17:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can anyone tell me some really funny jokes? Any type i just want a laugh in this boring lesson i am in!!

2007-12-20 01:44:42 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

To My Dear Husband:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't ***

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

2007-12-20 01:32:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

what else do you like to squeeze?

2007-12-20 01:31:05 · 33 answers · asked by Wish 5

2007-12-20 00:50:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one

2007-12-20 00:38:55 · 54 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tequila Christmas Cookies


1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tbsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup of nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle of Tequila

Sample the Tequila in a large glass to check quality.

Take a large bowl, and check the Tequila again, to be sure it is of the HIGHest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer, Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok, so try another cup.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit and damm cup off the floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Tequila.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to Put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.

2007-12-20 00:17:31 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. “Whales can’t swallow people,” the teacher said. “Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.”

“But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” the little girl replied.

“That just can’t be,” the teacher said. “It’s physically impossible.”

“When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah,” said the little girl.

The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

2007-12-19 22:57:30 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A man got married and went to a hill-station.He went with his wife to a beautiful place and his wife tried horse-riding.The horse didnt move.The wife said,"one".The horse didnt move.She counted,"two".Horse didnt care to move.Wife said,"three".Horse didnt move again.Wife shot the horse dead.Husband was shocked after seeing the incident.He said,"Why the hell did you do this?".She replied,"one..."

2007-12-19 22:45:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous