Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.

2007-12-18 12:58:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok so 3 guys die and go to heaven. Heaven is very huge and everybody needs transportation. God gives you better transportation based on how much you cheated on your spouse.

the first guy never cheated and got a ferrari
the second guy cheated a little bit and got a pick up truck
the third guy cheated all the time and got a scooter.

one day the guy with the scooter sees the guy in the ferrari crying, he pulls up to the window and says "whats the matter?"

the guy in the ferrari says " i just saw my wife riding by in roller skates

2007-12-18 12:51:53 · 9 answers · asked by Roo B 1

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
>marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
>sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
>say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married
>couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I
>think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
>
>
>Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
>man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
>God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a
>sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So the husband,
>after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
>
>
>As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
>eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye,
>the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked
>down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
>Jamaican's hips.
>
>
>The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got
>dem on the wrong feet!".

2007-12-18 12:47:47 · 22 answers · asked by st.abbs 5

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen.

The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me, sir?"

"Yes?" replies the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

"Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

"Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT! tas pensive," replies the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"

"Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen."

"All right then," says the clerk as he begins bagging up a pound of pecans.

Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wanna tay tank you fo not making fun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of anybody. I don't know if you noticed but I have a rather large nose."

The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your penis since your nuts are so high."

2007-12-18 12:46:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot.

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

2007-12-18 12:44:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

ill startit..juicy.....its fun but think of words that start w/ the letter J

2007-12-18 12:44:05 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-18 12:43:51 · 2 answers · asked by KJ 1

I’ve changed my system for labeling home-made freezer meals.

I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner, because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."

My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will be there waiting.

2007-12-18 12:41:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in
Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was
her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in
the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her
class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our
Lord and Saviour?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary
Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once
again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back sleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say
to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to
the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you
stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!"
The nun fainted.....

2007-12-18 12:39:37 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

2007-12-18 12:39:01 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

People in the airline industry aren't all serious...

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

2007-12-18 12:38:30 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was this man named pooka who wanted a choclate milkshake but couldnt get it so he went over to his local diner and asked for it. The diner lady said okay POOKA stop coming back here for the last time this is a crayon shop NOT a diner. so then pooka died because he never got his milkshake.....sooo sad......THE END!

2007-12-18 12:37:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.

Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, " Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"

The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, " well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."

The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."

The groom says " I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"

He said "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!

2007-12-18 12:32:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please star and share this question with your friends.And say yes or no

Thank you.

2007-12-18 12:27:09 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party, the first
guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green
paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
The guy says, "I'm green with NV".
The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door
to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa
wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?"
She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the
host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing
stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with
his willy stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing?
You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.
Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"
Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just
come in despair"

2007-12-18 12:10:39 · 15 answers · asked by st.abbs 5

Little Jenny came home from school and her mother asked why it took her so long to get home. Jenny said Tommy kept wanting to see if she could do a head stand. Jenny's mom snapped and said Jenny don't you know that dirty little boy just wants to see your panties. Jenny smiled and said I know mommy... but I fooled him. I took them off.

2007-12-18 11:42:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young Father has finally had enough of his son's wetting his pants, and takes him aside.

"Son", said the Father, "You are going to have to learn how to urinate properly, and no longer in your pants!"

The Father brings to boy back of the garage to show him the "proper" method.

"Okay, son, this is how it is done. One, unzip your fly. Two, take out your penis. Three, skin it back. Four, let go with the urine. Five, skin it up. Six, put it back in your pants. Seven, zip up your fly. Now you know the RIGHT way!"

The Father watches his son every day to see how well he is following his instructions. He notices the son going to the back of the garage about every few hours. He is very proud of his son, and decides to peek at him while he is "doing his thing" to see how well his instructions are being followed.

The next time the son heads for the garage, the Father follows. He peeks around the corner of the garage and hears his son: Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five..."

2007-12-18 11:40:45 · 18 answers · asked by free the weed 3

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

2007-12-18 11:37:25 · 19 answers · asked by free the weed 3

2007-12-18 11:19:32 · 18 answers · asked by Debbie J 2

wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood??

2007-12-18 11:12:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was n alcoholic, sex addict, n a pot head. they all died n went 2 hell. the devil was n a good mood, n he said ill give each of u what ever u want n ur jail cell for 1000 years. he went 2 the alcholic, he said i want all the alcohol n the world.the sex addict says i want all the women n the world, the pot head said i want all the weed n the world. the devel said k n locked them up. 1000 years later..... the devel opened up the alcoholics jail cell, he came out with dried vomit all over him and the room was full of full bottles. he yelled im sober please, i never want 2 drink again!!!!! the devil said k u lerned ur lesson u can go back to earth..then he goes 2 the sex addicts opens the door he came out screaming im gay im gaythe devil said ok you can go back2 earth, you learned your lesson. he wak n 2 the pot heads cell, all the weed was just where he left it, the devil said whats wrong.... the man turned around with a tear n his eye and said........... you gotta lighter?

2007-12-18 11:07:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."

2007-12-18 11:00:36 · 15 answers · asked by little star 4

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your goddamn cat.”

2007-12-18 10:29:55 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, the man says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It started...”

2007-12-18 10:28:37 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

2007-12-18 10:26:15 · 60 answers · asked by Anonymous

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly
screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp
washing up onshore.

She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a
consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he
cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her
ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes
her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants
her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar
bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of
10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The
second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private
beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that
her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beach
to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie
that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the
genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten
times what she wishes for.

No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish...

"Id like to give birth to twins".

2007-12-18 10:15:33 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

signal core one says she wants to meet me and does'nt turn up, the other just shows up after saying shes busy A'm i getting mixed signals?

2007-12-18 09:47:17 · 17 answers · asked by capa-de-monty 6

there were 2 snow men in a field and one said to the other

"hey can you smell carrot."

2007-12-18 09:15:52 · 23 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2007-12-18 09:02:56 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

he he he

2007-12-18 08:52:33 · 19 answers · asked by USMCstingray 7