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Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

0

A horse walks into a bar, sits dwn and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

2007-03-25 22:59:22 · 5 answers · asked by curious 7

They were deciding what was the fastest thing in the world
For the English it was the electricity, cause as soon as you pulled the interrupter the light turned on.
For the Italian it was the thought cause it's impossible to measure the time of a thought.
For The french it was diarrhea cause once it strikes you cant even though to turn on the light!

2007-03-25 22:51:31 · 11 answers · asked by pervertidamente 2

0

A goldfish walks into a bar.


"What'll you have Mack?" asks the bar tender.


Goldfish replies, "Water, you d**k!!"

2007-03-25 22:41:44 · 3 answers · asked by cjhype 3

YOU DONT KNOW???












































What a huge mess that goes inside your mouth!

2007-03-25 22:35:43 · 6 answers · asked by pervertidamente 2

1

Qn:

U can buy this THING from a shop.
When u buy it, u don't use it.
When u use it, u don't know that u r actually using it.

What is this THING???

Try this! :)

2007-03-25 22:31:49 · 7 answers · asked by Funky_punk 1

A young woman goes to confession and says to the
priest:
'Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. Last night my lover made mad, passionate love to me seven times'
The priest thinks long and hard and then says:
'Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked:

'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'

'No', replies the priest,

'but it will wipe that smile off your face.'

2007-03-25 22:26:50 · 5 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry!' she said. 'Stand in the corner.' She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you to,' she whispered. 'Just pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this, Honey?' the husband inquired, as he entered the room.

'Oh, it's just a statue,' she replied nonchalantly. 'The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us
too.'

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. 'Here,' he said to the 'statue', 'Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.'

2007-03-25 22:25:05 · 12 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Little Johnny's dad comes home from work and sits down for supper and asked Little Johnny how his day was. Little Johnny says not bad, but my mom almost died and went to heaven. His dad asked what he meant, and Johnny says he heard his mom say OH GOD I'M COMING, OH GOD I'M COMING. And you know dad if it wasn't for that nice mailman holding her down, she would have went.

2007-03-25 22:24:58 · 3 answers · asked by curious 7

A husband came home early from work to find his wife on the bed having a heart attack.

He was about to call the doctor when his little boy said: "daddy,there is a naked man in the wardrobe".

"what!" said the husband. he opened the wardrobe and there was his best friend Tom.

"i don't believe this!" screamed the husband. "there is Julie having a heart attack, and your playing games with the kids"

2007-03-25 22:24:25 · 2 answers · asked by Anmol 2

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are
asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone
and says, 'Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather
man?' He promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, 'Who was that?'

The husband replies, 'I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to
know if the coast was clear.'

2007-03-25 22:22:39 · 6 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

2007-03-25 22:20:46 · 24 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A man was having problems with premejaculation, so he
decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In
response, the doctor said, 'When you feel like you are getting
the urge, try startling yourself.'

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a
starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home
to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed waiting. As the
two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge and
fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
'How did it go?' The man answered, 'Not that well ... when I
fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my
wotsit , and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!'

2007-03-25 22:15:01 · 23 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, 'You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.'

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by the 'wotsit'.

With a death grip in place she said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.'

2007-03-25 22:10:38 · 11 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A certain large animal lives happily and thrives here on Earth. One day, every single one of these critters is wiped out by a mysterious disease which affects only this particular animal. There are none left anywhere on earth -- they are all gone. About a year or so later, they begin to reappear on Earth again. How can this be?

2007-03-25 22:04:14 · 5 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Because they're connected to a women!

2007-03-25 22:03:18 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

A construction worker came home just in time to find his
wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down
the stairs to the garage and put his 'male wotsit' in a vice. He
secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked
up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, 'STOP! STOP! You're not going
to cut it off, are you???'

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye,
'Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire.'

2007-03-25 22:02:35 · 10 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

2007-03-25 21:58:16 · 18 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Two men were being tried for murder. The jury found one man guilty and the other innocent. The judge turned to the guilty man and said, "Even though your guilt has been established, the law compels me to set you free.

How could such a bizarre judgement occur?

2007-03-25 21:57:10 · 5 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.



I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter,



I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this,



I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

2007-03-25 21:56:41 · 5 answers · asked by Anmol 2

2007-03-25 21:55:38 · 17 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

1

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA.

The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem.

He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate."

To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't. That's just frost on my moustache."

2007-03-25 21:54:37 · 9 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother.

When she showed up with some groceries, he said "Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were......."

and his Mother said, "Stop right there, Johnny". Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, then tell me the story."

At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again.

"Mommy, when I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer."

2007-03-25 21:54:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Grounds for Divorce #2

They say breaking up is hard to do, but

that wasn't the case for these people.
Whether they were picked on or just

picky, can you figure out the real

reason they all made like bananas and

split?

1- In Hazard, Kentucky, a man divorced

his wife because she "she beat him

whenever he....

a) removed onions from his hamburger
b) went to sleep
c) left his mail on the kitchen table

....without first asking for
permission."

2- In Frackville, Pennsylvania, a

woman filed for divorce because her

husband insisted on....

a) vandalizing mailboxes
b) shooting tin cans off her head
c) chasing their pet cat

....with a slingshot.

3- One Winthrop, Maine, a man divorced

his wife because she....

a) left her underwear on the couch
b) spit in the coffee
c) wore earplugs

....whenever his mother came to

visit.

2007-03-25 21:53:45 · 6 answers · asked by kenmauiphoto 5

2007-03-25 21:41:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once Tarzan had an accident and his pennis was badly hurt...
Said the jungle doctor, " Hmm..looks bad...we'll have to fix it soon...but how?? ok...I have an idea Tarzan, I can replace your injured tool with the small trunk of a baby elephant..."

Tarzan agreed..the operation was done and was successful..Tarzan survived...BUT..there was one problemo Tarzan could not overcome...whenever Tarzan was close to a tree, his trunk would grab some leaves and shove them up his assssss !!!....

2007-03-25 21:32:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

They both say, "Insert Bill"

Star if you liked!

2007-03-25 21:28:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you determine which one of the following five words doesn't belong with the others? Explain your answer

Housemaids

Copulaters

Pneumonia

Encouraging

Discouraged

2007-03-25 21:27:35 · 4 answers · asked by tashay72 5

2007-03-25 21:24:53 · 5 answers · asked by cjhype 3

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote.
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

2007-03-25 21:24:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

here it is:

I never was, am always to be, No one ever saw me, nor ever will, And yet I am the confidence of all To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball. What am I?

2007-03-25 21:17:40 · 9 answers · asked by Tegan 3

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