Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

2007-03-26 01:31:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

it not an e can anyone help it comes from holland sorry it starts d something ltt

2007-03-26 01:28:39 · 5 answers · asked by piggy 1

It's a riddle.

2007-03-26 01:26:05 · 2 answers · asked by s a r a;♥ 3

2007-03-26 01:08:26 · 4 answers · asked by Akira_Cat 3

did your mama hit you with a switch

that hurts

2007-03-26 00:52:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

A: S*xu*l harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

A: £1.50 a minute

2007-03-26 00:52:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....



How to Impress a Man:
Show up n*ked

2007-03-26 00:47:27 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the 2 Irish men who had a liking for each other?

Patrick"fits"Gerald

and

Gerald"fits"Patrick

2007-03-26 00:43:40 · 6 answers · asked by John Redcorn 4

Q. What are the 3 types of men?
A. The handsome, the caring, and the majority!
Q. What's the downside of a 3-some?
A. He disappoints 2 women instead of 1.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.Q: What do you call a woman without an a**hole?
A: Single!!!
Q. How is an ex-boyfriend/husband like an inflamed appendix?
A. It caused you a lot of pain and after it was removed, you found out you didn't need it anyway.
Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. "What Men know about Women."
Q. Would a clever woman make a good wife?
A. A CLEVER woman wouldn't become a wife!
Q. Why did the woman wear black to bed?
A. To mourn the dead pr**k beside her.
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
Q. Who fakes most during s*x?
A. Men (Sure, a woman can fake an org**m. But only men can fake entire relationships).

2007-03-26 00:41:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

please tell me what lol means everyone puts it in their Qand A havent got a clue what it means

2007-03-26 00:38:58 · 29 answers · asked by lindsey 5

A blonde was out on her daily walk and as she passed a field near her house she noticed another blonde sitting in the middle of a field in a boat with a paddle in her hand...

The 1st blonde yelled out: "Why are you sitting in the middle of a field in a boat?"

The 2nd blonde called back: "I figured since it rained last night this would be a quicker way to get around."

The 1st blonde shook her head in amazement and yelled back: "Ya know - it is blondes like YOU that give us a bad name in the first place... and if I could swim I would come out there and kick your a*s!!!"

2007-03-26 00:38:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

2007-03-26 00:32:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The story is told that Winston Churchill was visiting another country. The first evening there, at the state dinner, he pointed to the chicken entree and said, "May I have some breast?"

The hostess raised her eyebrows and curtly responded, "Mr. Churchill, in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat."

"My apologies, Madam, I was not aware of your customs."

The following day, a "thank you" gift, a large orchid, was delivered to the party's hostess.

The following was written on the note: "I would be obliged if you would pin this on your white meat. -- W. Churchill"

2007-03-26 00:30:51 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 00:27:03 · 6 answers · asked by bob z 1

The homeowner was delighted with the job the painter had done on his house
"You did such a great job," he said as he handed the man a check, "There's an extra $80 in there to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang. The homeowner went to the door and found the painter standing on the porch.
"What's the matter," he asked the man. "Did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was in???

2007-03-26 00:25:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

will i come to a sticky end?

2007-03-26 00:11:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?"

"United." Joe answered.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered with the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me who uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

John was quiet for a moment before answering, "Mom?"

2007-03-25 23:59:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Headstones
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

2007-03-25 23:54:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sit all day by the door of ur house & bark.I will give u 20 years.dog said: That's a long time how abt only 10 years .God agreed.
then God created monkey &said: Entertain people, do tricks. I'll give u 20 year. monkey said:How about only 10 & God agreed.
next, God created cow & said:u must go into the field with the farmer all day long, have calves & give milk to support the farmer's family. I will give u 60 years. cow said: That's kind of a tough life. How about only 20" God agreed
On the fourth day, God created man n said:Eat, sleep, play, marry & enjoy ur life. For this, I'll give u twenty years. But man said: Only 20 years? Could u possibly give me my 20,the 40 the cow gave back,10 the monkey gave back,n 10 the dog gave. that makes eighty, okay? Oksaid God, u asked for it.
So that is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play n njoy. next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. next 10 we do monkey tricks to entertain grandchildren. n for last 10 we sit in front.

2007-03-25 23:48:27 · 6 answers · asked by medi 2

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 & 11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

2007-03-25 23:46:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

2007-03-25 23:43:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And -- the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

2007-03-25 23:40:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four blondes purchased a Taxi(Cab) in partnership, but they could not get any passengers ;;; why??
Four blondes are travelling in a car and the car breaks down, the blondes get down and start pushing the car , but the car does not move.... why??
A blonde starts a auto garage but she has no customers why ??

first one to answer all three correclty wins 10 points

2007-03-25 23:35:45 · 8 answers · asked by Sally 1

From a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published (apparently)

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

2007-03-25 23:34:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

BUTCH THE ROOSTER
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster
Was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

2007-03-25 23:15:55 · 2 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian......

A MBA and a Bcom go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the B COM wakes his MBA friend. "
Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute.
" Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"

The B COM student is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

2007-03-25 23:14:10 · 9 answers · asked by sweetie 3

A dog limps into a bar and says " I'm looking for the guy who shot my pa".

2007-03-25 23:12:09 · 19 answers · asked by curious 7

2007-03-25 23:10:44 · 5 answers · asked by 123s03 1

Words or phrases that are the same thing forwards or backwards. RACECAR for example.

2007-03-25 23:06:44 · 4 answers · asked by cjhype 3

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband
was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works !"

2007-03-25 23:00:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous