Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

A friend of mine has just got a dog from the local Police. It was used for sniffing out drugs. They promised him this hadn't affected the dog in any way but the dog doest bark, it just trots around sayin BOWSYWOWSEY!

2007-03-26 06:57:25 · 6 answers · asked by Nick 1

For My Nephew & His Wife
Good Luck

How long is a woman in labour?
What she says, divided by two.
I was told it would be pressure, not pain I would feel in labour?
Yep, the same way a tornado Might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
At the onset of pregnancy!
How do I determine when pregnancy started?
Have sex once a year.
What is a chastity belt?
A labour saving device.
I normally wear a 36c bra. Now that I am pregnant, should I continue to wear one?
Not if you don't mind wearing a 36Long in the future.
What is the best method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.
My blood type is O pos. and my husband's is A neg. What if my baby's type is, say AB pos.?
Then the jig is up.
I'm two months pregnant. When will my baby move?
With luck, after he finishes college.
How do I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
I don't remember.

2007-03-26 06:56:20 · 15 answers · asked by jfmm 7

and continue from each other:
i was going to the movies with my friends at night. all of a sudden i get a knock on my door. i open the door and a strange man is there at the door with a....

2007-03-26 06:55:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 06:51:44 · 2 answers · asked by Girls just wanna have fun 2

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

2007-03-26 06:50:10 · 10 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2007-03-26 06:47:41 · 5 answers · asked by RED WHITE AND BLUE 4

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally
together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

2007-03-26 06:43:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

2007-03-26 06:40:50 · 8 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


My wild oats have turned into prunes and all bran.


I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.


Funny, I don't remember being absent minded....


All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.


If all is not lost, where is it.


It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.


Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.


I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.


Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.


If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put then on my knees.


It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

2007-03-26 06:40:31 · 31 answers · asked by Tink 5

anyone got any funny answering machine messages? My favorite is AHH! but thats only funny to 5 year olds.

2007-03-26 06:39:46 · 3 answers · asked by cj tings 2

2007-03-26 06:38:31 · 10 answers · asked by JesusGurl forever 1

Why do women prefer circumcised men? They always go for things with 10% off.

2007-03-26 06:37:17 · 6 answers · asked by ? 3

Give a shout out to someone!

2007-03-26 06:16:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

find it!!

2007-03-26 06:10:27 · 13 answers · asked by Ram 2

Why don't blind people sky dive?
Because it scares the crap out of the (guide) dog

2007-03-26 06:02:42 · 9 answers · asked by I see dumb people 5

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.

"My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me."

"Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks.

"I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."

The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."

"Well," the man says, "she's a sore loser.

2007-03-26 06:01:44 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a riddle I found, and I can't think of the answer!! Please help... getting really desperate XP

2007-03-26 06:00:44 · 14 answers · asked by Nicole S 1

The baby was in a high chair, and the dog kept sprinting by, and everytime he did, the baby would burst out with the cutest laugh. But now I can't find the video. PLEASE HELP!

2007-03-26 05:58:04 · 4 answers · asked by FromTheTop 1

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

2007-03-26 05:47:55 · 9 answers · asked by bootygirl 2

We are many guards of a precious gate
Sometimes we lean backward and sometimes we stand straight
Some of us are short and some are tall
We never quit the fight but we might fall
We wear war paint and cover in black
We always defend but never will attack

What are we?

2007-03-26 05:46:09 · 11 answers · asked by G.E.B 1

what would u do ? lol we had a man near us doing it so what would u do ? report him join him or ask him hey u ok?
. or maybe ask to out uh ladies or go to church or what uh ?
LOLS

2007-03-26 05:36:10 · 9 answers · asked by Rodney C 1

1. if used reasonable amount=friend, large amount=enemy
2. very useful for people daily...but it can kill poeple at once
3. user never see it, buyer never use it, manufacturer doesn't want to use it either.
4. which clock shows most correct time twice a day
5. whose brain is highest among animals

2007-03-26 05:29:44 · 9 answers · asked by David A 1

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

2007-03-26 05:29:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok my dad told me this joke ok?

A boy gets home from school and walks upstairs to his parents room to tell them hes home. He opens the door a sees his parents going at it. He instantly screams ":Mom Dad what are you doing?" his dad laughs and says go down stairs ill tell you later. The boy goes downstairs and goes in his room. His dad gets done and starts to laugh as he gets dressed. " I guess its time for the talk" he said to his wife as he left the room. he goes down stairs and opens his sons door. When he looks in he sees his son doing his Grandmaw. He instantly yells "Son What Are You Doing?!" and the son looks at the dad and yells back "Not so funny when its your mom now is it!!"

2007-03-26 05:20:54 · 12 answers · asked by then she killed my brain 3

A Koala Bear was up a tree and decided to roll a spliff ! As he's enjoying his smoke , a small lizard appears and asks him what he's doing ?
" Smoking a joint " replies the Koala, " you want some " ?
The small lizard has a smoke and then says to the Koala, " I'm going to the river for a drink, that joints made my mouth dry " !As he reaches the river, a large Crocodile asks him what he's doing ?
" Just having a drink after smoking a joint ! " replies the lizard.
" This I gotta see " says the Crocodile and makes his way to the tree where the Koala is now completely stoned !
" What you doing " ? asks the Crocodile , looking up at the bear.
The Koala looks down at the crocodile and says, " F**k dude, how much water did you drink " ?

2007-03-26 05:20:35 · 17 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

Can someone help lift my spirit?jokes inspirational stories crazy funny something.......

2007-03-26 05:14:08 · 13 answers · asked by luv2hate 2

A little irish boy walks in to school 2 hours late with a sad look on his face,the teacher asks "why are you so late?"

"oh " said the boy my daddy got burnt"

"not badly i hope "said the teacher

"well"said the boy "they don't mess about down the crematorium"

lol star if funny

2007-03-26 05:13:58 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

An young priest does service beside an old priest in a parish.One day the old priest says to the young priest:
-Say after me: Repent and do not sin again.
The young priest is stunned but repeats it.
Then the old priest says:
-Now doesn't that sound better than: Haha, you don't say?! And then what happened?

2007-03-26 05:08:18 · 5 answers · asked by amateurgrower 3

As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

2007-03-26 05:00:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

my friends & i like to txt each other with new one liners & i have a few i like.. but this one was a new one 4 me.... 370HSSV H3770 (turn phone upside down to read) .... what r some good ones u know?

2007-03-26 04:57:20 · 4 answers · asked by Jel 2