Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

stole from ur mom's purse?

2007-03-26 09:41:16 · 3 answers · asked by bebe 1

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

2007-03-26 09:36:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am white and sometimes black
I live in a huge object and sometimes get smaller
I have similar friends who dont think im similar
I dig deep and deeper until there is no more

2007-03-26 09:36:38 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom " Please promise to be gentle, as I am still a virgin ".

The startled groom says " How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."

The bride responds...

"Well you see it was this way. My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. "

"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever...................................God I miss him !"

2007-03-26 09:35:23 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 09:33:37 · 11 answers · asked by bill b 1

2007-03-26 09:33:34 · 8 answers · asked by bill b 1

2007-03-26 09:33:31 · 6 answers · asked by bill b 1

2007-03-26 09:33:28 · 30 answers · asked by bill b 1

2007-03-26 09:33:25 · 14 answers · asked by bill b 1

fill the blank with anything BUT sleeps.

2007-03-26 09:32:14 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you expect when:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your underwear is £1.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

2007-03-26 09:31:56 · 17 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

2007-03-26 09:31:08 · 14 answers · asked by Tom 2

Three prison inmates were finally executing a long awaited escape in the underground sewer tunels. Their last obstacle was to go directly under a prison gaurd. The first inmate went very slowly, the guard heard the noise and called out "hey who goes their" the first inmate cleverly said "mmeeaaww". The second inmate went very slowly, the guard heard the noise and called out "hey who goes their" the second inmate cleverly said "mmeeaaww". The third inmate went very slowly, the guard heard the noise and said "hey who goes their" the third inmate said "another cat".

2007-03-26 09:30:19 · 10 answers · asked by Hecho en CU 3

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first,
Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She
got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she
said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she
was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

2007-03-26 09:21:57 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

With compliments to Cowboy x

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have one problem. It's these br£@sts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms."
She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc .....she felt that having only two br£@asts might leave her body more” symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six br£@sts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He reached down, removed the middle br£@st and to55ed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"
Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the c o w has her b u ll. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see ...........where did I put that useless t$t?"

2007-03-26 09:19:54 · 36 answers · asked by Tink 5

They pull their money together but only have 50p.....Paddy takes the cash into the butchers and buys a sausage... They go inot a bar, order 2 pints and down them...Before the barman asks for the cash Paddy puts the sausage into his fly and Jimmy sucks it. The barmand throws them out....In the 10th pub Paddy says "I can't do this anymore my knees are killing me."..Jimmy replies..."yourk knees???? I lost the bloody sausage in the second pub!!!"

2007-03-26 09:18:33 · 19 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

2007-03-26 09:14:00 · 7 answers · asked by reminder 1

A blonde and brunette were walking in the park one day. The brunette stopped and said, "Oh look a dead bird." The blonde being as dumb as she is look up at the sky and said, "Where?"
Now is this joke funny or just plain gay?

2007-03-26 09:12:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob washed a car in 13 minutes, while Billy washed the same car in 10 minutes. If they split the car and both wash it at the same time, who will finish first??

2007-03-26 09:07:18 · 8 answers · asked by somegirl 4

The worst the better. Be sure to use the astrix (*) when we come to those tricky and short words that some people hate to see.

2007-03-26 09:04:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy sitting at a bar sees a good-looking girl nearby.

Guy: "You come here often?"
Girl: "Yeah."
Guy: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Carmen."
Guy: "That's a nice name."
Girl: "Yeah--it's the things I like best--car and men--and
what's your name?"
Guy: "Golftits!"

2007-03-26 09:03:08 · 21 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINE S.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT
HAPPENED.

37. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT S U C K, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

2007-03-26 09:02:03 · 26 answers · asked by Tink 5

One marksman can fire 5 shots in 5 seconds while another can get off 10 shots in 10 seconds. (We will assume that timing starts when the first shot is fired and ends with the last shot, but the shots themselves will be assumed to take no time.) Which man can fire 12 shots in a shorter time?

2007-03-26 09:00:39 · 10 answers · asked by ghc5417 3

I am a rock group that has 4 members, all of whom are dead, one of which was assasinated. What am I?

2007-03-26 09:00:04 · 8 answers · asked by Jason 2

Got an e-mail today!!!......
......says..."Thank you for sending your photo enquiry to "Extreme makeover UK...We need to let you know we only have surgeons, not bloody magicians!"........

Do you think I should give up my modelling dream???

2007-03-26 08:51:45 · 18 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

this is for all the petty minded finger klickers with no sense of humour its in code for thoe's with a sense of humour , can you get it . 5370H55V-0773H . good luck

2007-03-26 08:47:18 · 21 answers · asked by dunrockin404 5

story: i was going for a walk. i was crossing the street when a car hit me. i was unconscious for a while. i realized i was in heaven and i was to god. he then asked me the following question...

pple plz read each others sentences if it doesnt make sense fix it. best person with good storyline gets my 10 points. remember to keep it in topic and funny

2007-03-26 08:41:50 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

And taken up Bob Slaying!

2007-03-26 08:40:34 · 16 answers · asked by jabelite 3

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father is getting tired of it. So he decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a *****!”

2007-03-26 08:38:19 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

blonde decided to take a shower, but once she started it the doorbell rang. so she put her robe on and went to answer the door. it ended up being the best man. when he came in he said
"you've got the best set of breasts i've ever seen, i'd pay $ 100 to just see one of them." so the blonde showed him one and he put $100 on the table. then he said " id pay another hundred to see the other on" so she let him and he put another 100 on the table. then he said" i'll pay one more 100 if i could see both." so she showed him both, and he put another 100 on the table." well i have to go" he said, and left.
when the husband came back the wife's like " look honey, your best man gave me $300!"
"oh good," said the husband, he gave the $ 300 he owed me to you!"

2007-03-26 08:36:38 · 23 answers · asked by dancingqueen 2