Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

2007-03-26 08:36:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?

They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

2007-03-26 08:33:06 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

2007-03-26 08:32:04 · 5 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

ANSWER............Put Him In A Round Room And Tell Him To Pee In The Corner.

2007-03-26 08:27:24 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 08:26:54 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hands she has but does not hold, teeth she has but does not bite, feet she has but they are cold, eyes she has but without sight. Who is she?

What is it that is deaf, dumb and blind and always tells the truth?

What can you break without hitting or dropping it?

What is it the more you take, the more you leave behind?

Name 3 things that have eyes, yet cannot see.

2007-03-26 08:25:50 · 8 answers · asked by Ms* Shae* 3

A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his **** was too small, so every time they had $** he used a pickle instead of his ****. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having $** she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of $h!t." So the man said, "Shut the f0ck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

2007-03-26 08:22:39 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 08:21:13 · 14 answers · asked by Mike 2

we were given two hands to hold
2 eyes to see
2 hears to listen
and 2 feet to move with
but why only one heart?

answer this before anyone else and get 10 points!!!!

2007-03-26 08:20:58 · 6 answers · asked by -♥-Tay-Tay-♥- 1

2007-03-26 08:20:30 · 26 answers · asked by Mike 2

ANSWER............A nun with a javelin through her head.

2007-03-26 08:17:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in the diner where they had their first date.

The wife says to her husband "do you remember when we came here all those years ago?"

"Yes" he relpies "and we went out to the alley way and had s*x."

"Yes" she says "do you want to do it again?"

"O.K." he replies so they finish their meal and go out round the back of the diner.

He pushes her against the fence and lifts her skirt up and starts going at it like a wild one. A young man stops to watch. He is amazed to see how the old man can still go for it at his age. After 45 mins they finish and the wife returns to the diner.

The young man says, "How did you keep it goin for 45 minutes at your age? I hope I can do that when I am 80!"

"Well" says the old man, "50 years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

2007-03-26 08:12:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 08:10:16 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just wasted 7 seconds of your life.LOL
If you respond it's about 41 seconds.LMFAO

2007-03-26 08:09:36 · 20 answers · asked by Mike 2

2007-03-26 08:09:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

2007-03-26 08:04:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anybody know words that rhyme with numbers 1-10?

2007-03-26 08:03:24 · 6 answers · asked by Mellie G 1

the answer to this cryptic clue is the name of a band

Brilliant colour attached to leg joint in an american state

2007-03-26 08:02:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

the barman serves him & puts the pint on the bar. A coloured lady walks up takes his pint Fa*ts in it & replaces it on the bar & returns to her stool. the man shocked calls to the barman & said that women in the corner far*ed in my whitbread , "no" said the barman that Tessa Sanderson


old but hey it's quiet

2007-03-26 07:55:41 · 16 answers · asked by dunrockin404 5

Wife in front of mirror - "I`m ugly, my boobs sag & my bottom is fat, give me a compliment".

Husband says " your eyesight is f@@king spot on ".

2007-03-26 07:53:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boudreaux and Thibodoux were in the Gulf of Mexico a few weeks fishing commercially.
On their return to the dock, they noticed a Taco Bell had been built while they were away.
Boudreaux turned to Thibodoux and said, "Jus' look at dat! We not gone no time, and dem Mexkins done come over here and built a phone company"!

2007-03-26 07:52:35 · 14 answers · asked by jfmm 7

whats the beginning of eternity, whats the end of time and space, whats the beginning of every end, and whats the end of every race ?????

2007-03-26 07:51:12 · 11 answers · asked by verse0099 2

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

2007-03-26 07:45:47 · 32 answers · asked by Tink 5

CAT
APE
TEN

2007-03-26 07:44:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

my 6 year old grandaughter said ''grandad where do baby's come from''
i said ''FROM THE STORK''
she said''WELL WHO SH@GS THE STORK THEN/''

2007-03-26 07:37:02 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."

2007-03-26 07:27:40 · 14 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, and on that slitted sheet I sit!

I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son, I'm only plucking feathers till the pheasant plucker comes!

2007-03-26 07:19:13 · 11 answers · asked by yolanda 1

you have a choice between two doors to enter.one leads to safety, the other to danger. there is a guard on each door, one guard always lies the other always tells the truth. you can only ask one question to find your way to safety, what do you ask and who to?

2007-03-26 07:16:48 · 14 answers · asked by TJ 2

A rancher was out checking farm fences in his four-wheel drive when he hit a pig. He radioed the ranch for advice. "The pig is stuck in the bullbars and still alive but kicking and squealing so much I can't get it free" he said.

"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 4x4 there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush."

About 45 minutes later the rancher called in again: " I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, it went all limp and I got it out of the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on."

"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"

"Well it's his motorbike, the blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."

2007-03-26 07:00:56 · 35 answers · asked by Tink 5

latest phone poll made by the office of the Mayor of Florida. Do you think illegal immigration is a problem??

a. 35% answered " Yes I think it is a problem"

b. 65% answered " No es una problema serio"

2007-03-26 06:59:42 · 13 answers · asked by William C 2