Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

arent they contradicting themselves?

2007-03-26 10:43:12 · 25 answers · asked by phatso 4

2007-03-26 10:41:24 · 5 answers · asked by phatso 4

i need some to get my revenge on someone at work, i never seem to get his puzzles and the ones i know he knows to

2007-03-26 10:41:03 · 6 answers · asked by s_hinard 1

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."

2007-03-26 10:41:00 · 22 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

Two boys and a man need to cross a river. They can only use the canoe. It will hold only the man OR the two boys' weight. How can they all get across safely?

2007-03-26 10:38:45 · 19 answers · asked by Ely 2

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the
rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand,
smiled and said hello to him. He is rather taken back that such
a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he
cannot place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry
do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the
father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been
unfaithful, "Geeezus!" he says. "Are you that strip-o-gram at my
bachelor party that I made it with on the pool table in front of all
my friends while your girlfriend whipped my bare butt with a
wooden spatula?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

2007-03-26 10:36:54 · 10 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2007-03-26 10:33:19 · 16 answers · asked by Rock R 1

The other day I asked my Dad what the difference is between theory and reality.

Pops responded, "Well Jimmy, go ask your mother if she would sleep with a complete stranger for a half million dollars."

So, I asked my Mom if she would you sleep with a complete stranger for a half million dollars.

She thinks for a moment, then replies "You know son, for that kind of money, I would."

So Pop tells me to ask my 17 year old sister the same question.

Sis replied, "For $500,000 I would do anyone!"

I tell my Pop what they told me and he replied, "Well, there you have it son. In theory, we're millionaires. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

2007-03-26 10:32:11 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 10:29:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Woman comes home from work and sees her husband with a rolled up magazine."what are you doing?" she asks."killing flies" he replies "i got 2 males and a female." "how do you know that?" she asks."because 2 were on a beer can,the other was on the phone."

2007-03-26 10:22:31 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut?

Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.

W1: Oh! That's so cute!

W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me
the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck
with this stuff I think.

W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you
could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so
cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I
was afraid it would accent my long neck.

W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck!

W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at
my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I
could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Male haircut discussion....

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

2007-03-26 10:17:50 · 31 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

ok so a 70 year on man goes to the doctor to take a perm count, the doctor gave him a jar and asked him to bring it in the next day.
The next day the 70 year old man shows up with an empty jar and the doctor askes him what happened and the 70 year old explains.....
"well doc it all when like this, first i tried with my right hand but nothing,
then i tried with my left hand but nothing,
so i decided to call my wife she tried with her righ hand but nothing,
she tried with her left hand but nothing,"
( by this time the doctor was amazed that nothing had happened yet)
and the 70 year old man keeps explaining
" i even told my wife to try it with her mouth but nothing,
she even tried it with her theeth stuck in and out but nothing,
so we decided to call the next door neighbor she tried with her right and left hand even with her mouth but nothing"
(at this poin the doctor is making faces)
then the 70 year old explains
"but we coundent get the stupid jar open"


lol =)

2007-03-26 10:17:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience
was different each week, so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did
every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting
in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It
was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then, one day the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the
middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the
parrot. They stared at each other with open hatred,
but neither uttered a word. This went on for a day,
and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold
back.

"OK, I give up. ! Where's the flipping ship? "

2007-03-26 10:15:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny catches his mom and dad in the act, with mom on top. His mom gets out of bed and tries to explain what they were doing. She says' Sometimes daddy' gut gets too big, so I have to pack it back down.' Little Johnny says 'mom you are waisting your time. Every time you go out, the lady from next door comes over and blows it back up.'

2007-03-26 10:14:57 · 10 answers · asked by curious 7

A police man walks up to a an old lady sitting on a park bench he asks her " Ma'am do you need any help learning, doing , or going somwhere/thing.? she replize " No but thank you for asking me" a few minutes later another police man comes and ask her the same thing again. she replize no but thank you. One more police man comes and askes again she replize For d*mn sake i dont need anything quit asking me. the police man says " well your sitting in a " I need help zone" I asume you need help." she replize " oops, i guess i read it wrong"



I dont get it really but i found it on a website like she does need help reading

2007-03-26 10:13:17 · 7 answers · asked by Zet-Let and Dezserret here! 2

There once were four guys. One guy was brought up in a hospital and all he knew how to say was "I did it! I did it!"

Then there was a guy who was brought up in a restaurant and all he knew how to say was "forks and knives!"

Then there was a guy brought up in a candy shop and all he knew how to say was "goodie goodie gum drops!"

Then the fourth guy was brought up in a glade plug in store and all he knew how to say was "plug it in! plug it in!"

One day they all met in a park and there was this dead guy on a bench.

A cop walks up and says who did this and the first guy said "I did it! I did it!"

And the cop says how did you do this and the second guy said "forks and knives!"

The cop says what do you have to say for your selves and the third guy says "goodie goodie gum drops!"

Then the cop says you are all going in the electric chair any last words and the fourth guy says "plug it in! plug it in!"

2007-03-26 10:08:45 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 10:07:46 · 21 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other one and says can you drive this thing or what?

2007-03-26 10:04:04 · 22 answers · asked by dixidan_2000 5

You were passing trhough a bus stop and it was raining really really hard and a big thunder and lightning storm was emerging.
Your car is only for two people.
In the bus Stop there are:
a Pregnant girl, with her water that just broke,
your best friend that you've had ever since Pre-K and
the girl that could be your true and only soulmate...

Who would you give a lift?

I'll pick Best Answer later so star if yew like.
:]]

2007-03-26 10:03:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

2007-03-26 10:02:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

so I'm going bird hunting with one of my buddies, and there are birds EVERYWHERE, I must have shot like 20 birds, but my buddy didn't get any, so I ask him, "dude, what's wrong?" and he says "I don't know I must not be throwing the dog up high enough." and after that they never let us back into that zoo.

2007-03-26 10:02:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you play dodge the sausage? sleep on the sofa!! xx;-)

2007-03-26 10:00:11 · 17 answers · asked by SUZANNE R 7

Why does Mike Tyson cry after sex?

Mase will do that to you.

2007-03-26 09:56:30 · 7 answers · asked by MISS K.I.A. 5

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a
remote post in the African desert.During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know,there are 250 men here on the post and no women.
And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we
have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this,but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the
men do it?" "No, not really, sir ...They usually just ride the
camel into town where the girls are.

2007-03-26 09:55:30 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 09:51:53 · 22 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

Four Women

Some women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.

First woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it."

Second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he want to do is examine it."

Third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."

A big grin on her face, the fourth woman syas, " My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and has been working on it ever since."

2007-03-26 09:48:59 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take..! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take
a little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand our wives..; I want to know how she
feels inside.., what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment..,
why she cries.., what she means when she says:
"Nothing's wrong".., and how I can make a woman truly happy..!"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

2007-03-26 09:44:33 · 18 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

You pass
by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there

could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma

that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find

your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and

let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for

the bus with the woman of my dreams."

2007-03-26 09:44:31 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-26 09:42:05 · 20 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

Rita was standing vigil over her husband's deathbed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But he was insistent. "Rita," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you.""There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Rita. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now.""No, no. I must die in peace, Rita. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."Rita mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now dear, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said."Now you be still, and let the poison work."

2007-03-26 09:41:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous