Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Q. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A. Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!

2007-03-03 02:49:41 · 22 answers · asked by funny_girl 2

There once were four guys. One guy was brought up in a hospital and all he knew how to say was "I did it! I did it!"

Then there was a guy who was brought up in a restaurant and all he knew how to say was "forks and knives!"

Then there was a guy brought up in a candy shop and all he knew how to say was "goodie goodie gum drops!"

Then the fourth guy was brought up in a glade plug in store and all he knew how to say was "plug it in! plug it in!"

One day they all met in a park and there was this dead guy on a bench.

A cop walks up and says who did this and the first guy said "I did it! I did it!"

And the cop says how did you do this and the second guy said "forks and knives!"

The cop says what do you have to say for your selves and the third guy says "goodie goodie gum drops!"

Then the cop says you are all going in the electric chair any last words and the fourth guy says "plug it in! plug it in!"
lol
hhhhee

2007-03-03 02:40:52 · 22 answers · asked by funny_girl 2

Me + pie = happy. If I subtract pie from both sides, me = happiness without pie. I want it to equal me = -happines -pie. How should I word the question and what should I do to it to make this mathematically correct?

2007-03-03 02:28:53 · 6 answers · asked by Hobbitling 3

a young lad sees his mum and dad making love in thier bedroom, later he asks mum what they were doin? oh mum says, nothing we were just flattening youre dads beer belly. mmm the boy ponders, then says well youre waisting youre time, because when you go out the lady next door comes in and blows it up again

2007-03-03 02:23:42 · 21 answers · asked by reem2 3

whats small,brown and can be found in a childs undies?






michael jacksons hand.

2007-03-03 02:21:05 · 24 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

2007-03-03 02:07:10 · 17 answers · asked by Subhayan C 3

2007-03-03 01:38:25 · 14 answers · asked by callan 2

I'm always going hey whats up? hows it going? Same thing everytime... do you know any funny ways of saying hi? :-)

2007-03-03 01:31:31 · 11 answers · asked by Royce 3

2007-03-03 01:28:57 · 22 answers · asked by unareticencia 3

Today is your 17th birthday...

2007-03-03 01:14:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you in a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocketwatch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch back and forth while gently chanting. "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed gently back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and feel to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces...
"****!" said the hypnotists.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

2007-03-03 01:10:59 · 6 answers · asked by Nancy M. 4

a woman was doing the splits naked in her dining room, when suddenly she got suctioned to the floor, her husband and friend tried unsuccesfully to free her, friend says theres only one option, we will have to smash the floor tiles, ok says the husband you get a hammer and ill lick her ****,friend asks why are you going to do that? husband replies well if we can get her wet enough we can slide her to the kitchen, the tiles are cheaper in there

2007-03-03 01:08:03 · 13 answers · asked by reem2 3

Q-why did the hedgehog cross the road ANS- to see his FLATmate ,,,,thats how bad it could get

2007-03-03 00:51:25 · 18 answers · asked by reem2 3

OK SO SANTA CLAUS THE TOOTFAIRY A SMART BLONDE AND A DUMB BLONDE R WALKING DOWN THE STREET THEY C A QUARTEER WHO PICKS IT UP?? AND WHY??? ILL TELL ANSWER AFTER SOME1 GETS IT RIGHT

2007-03-03 00:50:24 · 3 answers · asked by crittergirl 1

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs stood a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

2007-03-03 00:50:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Little Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

2007-03-03 00:44:08 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

2007-03-03 00:40:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Spotted in the toilet of a London office: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."

In a Laundromat: "Automatic washing machines. Remove all your clothes when the light goes out."

In a London department store: "Bargain Basement upstairs."

In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday bring it back, or further steps will be taken."

In an office: "After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."

Outside a secondhand shop: "We exchange everything -- bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?"

Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness."

Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants stay in your car."

Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care center on the 1st floor."

Notice in a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

2007-03-03 00:37:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pat & Mick in the jungle by a river, they see a mans head sticking out of a crocodile, pat says 2 mick look at that flash Bas**** in his lacoste sleeping bag.

2007-03-03 00:25:03 · 14 answers · asked by HELEND 6

little johnny is sitting in math class and the teacher asks,"if you have 5 birds sitting on a wire,and you throw a rock and hit one,how many do you have left?johnny,you take this one."
johnny thinks about it and says,"none.if you hit one,the rest will fly away."
the teacher replies,"no johnny,the answer is 4,but i like the way you think."
so johnny says"let me ask you something then. 3 women are sitting on a park bench,each having an ice cream.one is licking it,one is sucking it,and the other is biting it,which one is married?"
the teacher says"geez i dont know johnny,the one thats sucking it?"
no,johnny says,"its the one with the wedding ring,but i like the way you think"

2007-03-03 00:13:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One manager let employees know how valuable they are with the following memo:

"You Arx A Kxy Pxrson"

Xvxn though my typxwritxr is an old modxl, it works vxry wxll -- xxcxpt for onx kxy. You would think that with all thx othxer kxys functioning propxrly, onx kxy not working would hardly bx noticxd; but just onx kxy out of whack sxxms to ruin thx wholx xffort.

You may say to yoursxlf -- Wxll, I'm only onx pxrson. No onx will noticx if I don't do my bxst. But it doxs makx a diffxrxncx, bxcausx an xffxctivx organization nxxds activx participation by xvxry onx to thx bxst of his or hxr ability.

So, thx nxxt timx you think you arx not important, rxmxmbxr my old typxwritxr. You arx a kxy pxrson.

2007-03-02 23:59:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can
tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will
get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts
are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just
wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just
broke up." -- Sarah, age 9

"See if the man has lipstick on his face." -- Sandra, age 7

2007-03-02 23:57:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

SICKNESS:

No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's

statement as proof. We believe that if you are

able to go to the doctor, you are able to come

to work.



AN OPERATION:

We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish

to discourage any thoughts that you may need an

operation. We believe that as long as you are an

employee here, you will need all of whatever you

have and should not consider having anything

removed. We hired you as you are and to have

anything removed would certainly make you less

than we bargained for.

2007-03-02 23:50:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The eight year old boy who wieghs 14 stone was interviewed on television last night,when asked what was his favourite musical instrument he replied the dinner gong.

2007-03-02 23:20:44 · 19 answers · asked by geoff t 4

hole jumps up 3 feet but slides back 1,how many jumps till hes out?

a boat on the dock has a rope ladder over the side.the rungs are 12 inches apart.the tide is rising 6 inches an hour.how tong till the first 2 rungs are covered in water?

2007-03-02 23:09:37 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

2007-03-02 22:59:25 · 7 answers · asked by Matthew Dawns 2

2007-03-02 22:51:19 · 9 answers · asked by phwuckjoo 1

Ageing gracefully, a 70 year old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great...just great...some *ss-hole's got my pen!"

2007-03-02 22:51:16 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-02 22:49:37 · 8 answers · asked by monochrome 4

leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

2007-03-02 22:40:31 · 8 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4