Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

One day Joe saw Larry sleeping by a pond with a fishing pole in his hand. Larry's bobber kept disappearing under the water. Once awoken, Larry asked Joe, "Would you mind reeling it in for me?" Joe reeled the fish in.
Then Larry asked Joe, "would U take the fish off the hook and bait it again?"
Flabbergasted at Larry's laziness, Joe said, "You are the laziest man I have ever seen. You should get married & have a bunch of kids to do these things for you."
Larry nodded & said, "I reckon you're right. Do you know where I can find a pregnant woman?"

2007-03-02 22:34:34 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. I am hollow and soft. I come in different colours, sizes and designs. My body odour sucks with time. Who am I?

2. I come in different shapes and sizes. I'm so loyal that I mate with only my wife. Some people really hate my wife, yet they love to see us together. Who am I?

2007-03-02 22:31:21 · 12 answers · asked by SikSonic 4

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidently bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for 10 more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries, "Watch out for that wall!"

2007-03-02 22:27:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities & adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other & said,"Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought & thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least 3 minutes she just stared & glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

2007-03-02 22:21:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

ive heard of a guy swallowing gasoline with milk and puking in the fire, blowing up his house killing himself and his sister. and another guy stiking a tube from his gas mask to his rectum and suffocating!!

2007-03-02 22:17:45 · 4 answers · asked by Starfish 2

"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve-thirty."

2007-03-02 22:14:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Couple in their 90's R both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, they're told they're physically OK, but they might want to start writing things down 2 help them remember.
Later, watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?"
"Will U get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure," he answers.
"Don't U think U should write it down so U can remember it?"
"No, I can remember."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, 2. Maybe U should write it down so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. U want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whip cream. I'm certain U'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need 2 write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries & whip cream. I got it, for goodness sake!"
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen & hands his wife a plate of bacon & eggs.
She stares at the plate and asks, "Where's my toast?"

2007-03-02 22:11:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is driving down a road going way over the speed limit, a squad car sees the blonde's car and pursues her with the siren on, The blonde pulls over.
A cop gets out of the squad car who Incedentaly is also blonde.

The cop asks the blonde driver "Can I see your license?" the blonde driver looks in her bag and then asks the cop "What does it look like again?" the blonde cop answers "Its square and it has your picture on it!" the blonde driver roots through her bag and finds a square mirror, she looks at it and hands it to the blonde cop, the cop looks at it and says "Sorry, I didnt know you were a cop too!"

2007-03-02 21:43:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

My nookie days are over,
my pilot light is out.
What use to be my sex appeal
is now my water spout.

Time was when,
on it's own accord,
from my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job to find the fuking thing.

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave,
For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.

Now old age approaches it sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes.

2007-03-02 21:41:58 · 4 answers · asked by Buffy 4

a american approached a prostitute in the backstreets of london ",how much?" he asked
" it will cost you 20 pound",replied the tart,
" american express?" he inquired
" you can go as fast as you like" she said.

2007-03-02 21:40:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks into a bar and orders a bottle of the finest champagne, takes down her thong and pours it over her neither region, the barman asked why did you do that? she replies, I've just won the lottery and thats the is the only c**t im sharing it with.

2007-03-02 21:34:28 · 12 answers · asked by Buffy 4

got to make love to me this very moment." The husband, thinking it's his lucky day, makes love to her on the kitchen table. Afterward he says, "What was that all about?" She says, "The egg timer's broken!"

2007-03-02 21:23:11 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

The church organist was in her 80's & had never been married & was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One day the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with the tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease."

2007-03-02 21:22:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

and takes them ten days to get there. so they pack their picnic and start the long walk. by the time they get there, they are all so hungry and thirsty they get started on the food straight away. harry opens the picnic basket to find the drinks are not in there and asks jack "did you pack the drinks" jack says "no" so they both turn to larry and say "will you walk back and get the drinks while we wait here?" larry refuses because he thinks harry and jack will eat all the sandwiches while he is gone. after lots of promises from harry & jack that the will not eat anything till he returns, larry sets off on the long twenty day walk home, and back to the picnic spot. only, ten days pass, then 20, and then 30 days and larry is still not back with the drinks. harry & jack are so hungry they cannot resist the sandwiches and decide to eat just one each.....just at the moment they put the sandwiches to their lips, larry jumps out from behind a nearby bush & shouts "I KNEW IT......I'M NOT GOING"

2007-03-02 21:19:55 · 11 answers · asked by Kelly 5

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally and the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 dollars. Please advice."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

2007-03-02 21:09:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-02 21:04:48 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

.........................................................................................
...........................................................................................
George Micheals latest release

2007-03-02 21:02:25 · 15 answers · asked by Pattythepunk 3

A lil old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto the stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," the man replied. "Arthritis."

2007-03-02 21:01:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yes, all my life
Ok, if you had two houses, would you give one away?
Yes, of course, I can only live in one.
If you had two cars, would you give one away?
Absolutly, I can only drive one.
If you had two suits, would you give one away?
No
Why?
Well, I've got two suits.

2007-03-02 19:58:31 · 10 answers · asked by lulu 6

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Honey is sweet ...but not as sweet as...?

2007-03-02 19:50:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

please help me solve this riddle, i have no clue what the answer may be
all i know is that it is related to games

http://weffriddles.com/metal.html


thanks for any help

2007-03-02 19:11:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you think of this commercial please be descriptive.

2007-03-02 19:03:01 · 11 answers · asked by Jonathan 2

there was a girl and a boy living in a house. they were alone and they didn't go to school. the boy woke up earlier than the girl and he read th newspaper. he was surprised that there was breakfast ready on the table. it was hot and delicious. if the girl was still asleep, who prepared breakfast?

2007-03-02 19:00:26 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

dont be such a MOTHER FATHER!!!!!
LOL
u like?
me like.
anyway. whats a good nickname to call my friend Jack?
i already thought of...
jack-o-lantern
jacka$$
and
jackie chan

what else?
humor me.

2007-03-02 18:53:57 · 20 answers · asked by LOVE♥ 1

1. stupid
2. knowledge
3. happy

???

im soo confused!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-02 18:38:57 · 19 answers · asked by LOVE♥ 1

2007-03-02 18:37:20 · 6 answers · asked by LOVE♥ 1

2007-03-02 18:21:06 · 24 answers · asked by ike 1

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.



Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;



it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.



He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.



A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.



As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.



Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!



Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.



We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.






Remember the five simple rules to be happy:



Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.



Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.



Live simply and appreciate what you have.



Give more.



Expect less






NOW ............






Enough of that crap . ... .



The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.



The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.






MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:



When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ***, it always comes back to bite you

2007-03-02 18:17:56 · 7 answers · asked by Valkyrie of Lor 6

Hello ppl. I have been looking for "hilarious" computer jokes from like 2 hrs now but unfortunately found none. They're like OK.

I want some jokes, hearing which, ppl would burst into immense laughter and jokes that tickle their funny bone all ends up.

I'll actually be compering/hosting an IT quiz and need some real gud jokes for the same.

Plz help !!!

2007-03-02 18:15:46 · 11 answers · asked by Cristiano R 3

2007-03-02 17:59:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous