Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

> >> The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife,"said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great
news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

2007-01-03 17:49:13 · 15 answers · asked by Gary S 5

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’’
“As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replied, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

2007-01-03 17:37:42 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Take any ONE digit No.<> Multiply by 10 <> Add the Original No.<>Multiply by 3<>Multiply by 11<>Multiply by 3 again<>Example [{(6X10)+6}X3X11X3] = 6534.
Just tell me the last digit.

2007-01-03 17:35:19 · 14 answers · asked by Vaakshri 2

I was watching a documentary on HBO and the joke contained a lot of ranchy topics such as incest, race, and bestiality. What does the word "aristocrat" mean anyway?

2007-01-03 17:33:59 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A small East Texas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very
difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian
determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters
worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted
Standen, a Bubba part-time worker, who was responsible for cleaning
the animal's cages. Ted, like most Bubbas, had little sense, but
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The
administrator thought they might have a solution. Ted was approached
with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for
$500.00?

Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, Ted announced that he would accept
their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," Ted said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", Ted said, "you must never tell anyone about this"

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Ted said, "I want any offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.

"And last of all," Ted stated, "you've got to give me another week
to come up with the $500.00."

2007-01-03 17:21:33 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

PLEAZZ...............HAVIN UH BADD DAY, NEED UH LAUGH!
PLEAZZ HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MUAHH

2007-01-03 17:16:52 · 13 answers · asked by YouNg BloNdeE 1

It's like a never-ending condom thatwraps around the seat! Ingenious! Someday there will be a law requiring all public rest rooms to have something like this! Check it out and let me know what you think! I hope this link clicks, if not just copy and paste--you know what to do...

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/365233/someday_every_public_toilet_wil_be_required_by_law_to_have_an_am/

2007-01-03 17:04:53 · 4 answers · asked by petweasel 3

Because it said "concentrate"!

2007-01-03 16:57:05 · 19 answers · asked by David 1

They pull up their pants!

2007-01-03 16:55:46 · 18 answers · asked by David 1

In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring ****, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s, and get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.

At home….stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

2007-01-03 16:53:07 · 5 answers · asked by LAUGHING MAGPIE 6

when fat people walk in mcdonalds the place goes silent
they eat so much it can get violent
fat people play with their food and dont use utenzils
there fricken 700 and im the size of a pensil
fat people are usless in every way possible
better get them a sandwhich quick before they have an asma attach and end up in the hospital

2007-01-03 16:47:04 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The president decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

2007-01-03 16:40:14 · 10 answers · asked by LAUGHING MAGPIE 6

2007-01-03 16:26:21 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-03 16:22:03 · 14 answers · asked by FARIDA H 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJNHQZ_WvQo

I can't even tell.

2007-01-03 16:19:59 · 17 answers · asked by gogoal 1

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

2007-01-03 16:14:12 · 12 answers · asked by LAUGHING MAGPIE 6

Got some Saddam Hussein T-Shirts for sale.
A bit tight around the neck,but they hang well...

2007-01-03 15:48:45 · 16 answers · asked by Jocko 5

and it best be funny yall or ill report u as abuse mofuker

2007-01-03 15:46:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-03 15:18:56 · 17 answers · asked by thamastakush 2

An old farmer in Tonganoxie , Kansas , had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep
end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every
time.

2007-01-03 15:13:05 · 16 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

off light would your headlights work?

2007-01-03 15:08:54 · 9 answers · asked by aussiemess2 2

Light
Sound
Human..

2007-01-03 15:02:45 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

i wanna c if i can get 30 comments or MORE b4 this question is removed....in 3 days

2007-01-03 14:52:37 · 34 answers · asked by krzykels234 1

Riddle?

2007-01-03 14:50:35 · 22 answers · asked by felixtricks 3

One day, a genie appeared before 3 guys and said he'd grant each of them one wish. All they had to do was yell out their wish as they ran across a bridge.
So the 1st dude runs, says "I wanna be rich", and poof! has bunches of benjamins sticking out from his butt.
2nd dude runs, says "I wanna be fabulous", and poof! turns into Ryan Seacrest.
Now, the 3rd dude runs, says "I wanna be.." but suddenly trips on a rock and yells "Oh, s*it!" and turns into exactly that.

2007-01-03 14:43:57 · 15 answers · asked by Space Cadet 3

This enigma was part of an exam at the Stanford University, can you solve it?

-It is better than god
-It is worse than the devil
-poor people have it
-rich people need it
- and if we eat it, we die...

What is it?


10 points for the winner...

2007-01-03 14:40:54 · 24 answers · asked by meda m 2

2007-01-03 14:34:07 · 18 answers · asked by Deedeeyahoo 3

A man says to his wife: "tell me some news that will make me both happy and sad at the same time".
So she says: " Your dick is bigger than your brother`s".

2007-01-03 14:28:21 · 24 answers · asked by Tink 5

You are driving in your car ( only a two-seater), and you pass a bus stop. There you see an old friend that saved your life, the woman of your dreams, and a dieing old woman that needs to go to the hospital. Who do you give a ride?

2007-01-03 14:24:51 · 59 answers · asked by shoremen19 2

Husband admiring his naked body in the mirror says 2 wife, "look at that, 12 stone of pure dynamite". Wife says " Yeah, shame aboue the 2 inch fuse though"!!

2007-01-03 14:19:39 · 18 answers · asked by Tink 5