Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Tink posted the guys rules but what are/were the girls rules.??

2007-01-03 14:17:25 · 11 answers · asked by dooglepuff 3

Seriously?

2007-01-03 14:09:22 · 25 answers · asked by Tank 2

Example. midINdle = stuck in the middle because the word 'in' is in the middle of the world middle.

or toge ther = not together. because the word 'together' isn ot together.

Sometime like that.



THANKS ALOT!

2007-01-03 14:08:22 · 4 answers · asked by Bowler 1

riddle....

best anser to the one that can give the correct anser.

2007-01-03 13:57:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone").

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone").

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"

The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."

2007-01-03 13:41:29 · 16 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules" from the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

2007-01-03 13:40:59 · 32 answers · asked by Tink 5

are sitting in a bar. the priest turns to the rabbit and says:______________

2007-01-03 13:39:19 · 10 answers · asked by I hate carrots 6

make me laugh PLEASE!!!

2007-01-03 13:34:55 · 9 answers · asked by <<{Lalo-Pacho}>> 1

http://360.yahoo.com/cosmo_z_kramer
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Alaskan standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

2007-01-03 13:17:49 · 11 answers · asked by ? 3

So, a horse walks into a bar and.........

2007-01-03 13:17:37 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men decided to split the cost of a hotel room. The hotel manager gave them a price of $30.

The men split the bill evenly, each paying $10, and went to their room. However, the hotel manager realized that it was a Wednesday night, which meant the hotel had a special: rooms were only $25. He had overcharged them $5!

He called the bellboy, gave him five one-dollar bills and told him to return it to the men.

When the bellboy explained the situation to the men, they were so pleased at the honesty of the establishment that they promptly tipped the bellboy $2 of the $5 he had returned and each kept $1 for himself.

So each of the three men ended up paying $9 (their original $10, minus $1 back) totalling $27, plus $2 for the bellboy makes $29.



Where did the extra dollar go?

2007-01-03 13:08:39 · 18 answers · asked by celia3018 3

You aren't the brightest bulb in the box
Not the sharpest pencil in the box
Not the most up-to-date computer in Best Buy
Not the juiciest grape of the stem
Not the highest note on the piano

I don't know, I just made some of these up..

2007-01-03 13:06:13 · 11 answers · asked by to the moon 2

Did you hear about the midget fortune-teller that escaped from prison?

It was a short medium at large.

2007-01-03 13:05:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a man that jumped off of a bridge, where was he?

*On the bridge... NO... that was before he jumped

*In the air... NO... that was after he jumped

The bridge that he was on is irrelevant. If you know the answer to this question please help me out. Thanks!

2007-01-03 13:02:11 · 9 answers · asked by hogue_amanda 2

Prostitots

2007-01-03 12:55:32 · 16 answers · asked by Guest 1

One day while being bathed by two nurses, they notice a distinct increase of activity on her brain monitor when they are drying her private area. That evening her husband comes to visit her, a nurse approaches, draws the curtains around her bed and tells him that they have had a significant breakthrough, the man is ecststic. "Now this may seem a bit unorthodox," the nurse continues, "but we have reason to believe that oral sex is the key to your wives recovery." At first the man is a bit shocked, but is willing to try anything. The nurse leaves him to it. Five minutes later alarms and monitors are beeping from behind the curtains. "What the hell happened?" the nurse cries as she rushes to their aid. "I.....I think I might have choked her."

2007-01-03 12:46:07 · 14 answers · asked by Trina 3

aberham lincon george washington and the terminator are in a hot air baloon. aberham lincon drops a giant grape fruit george washington drops a giant cherry and the terminator drops a bomb. when the baloon ride was over aberham lincon saw a girl crying and said "little girl why are you crying" and shes like 'cause a giant grapefruit fell on my head. george washington saw a boy crying and said "why are you crying son." and the boys like "cause a giant cherry dropped on my head" the terminator saw a little boy laughing and said "why are you laughing" and hes like "when my dad farted the house blew up.

2007-01-03 12:44:44 · 3 answers · asked by Darkstar 2

A kid came to a convienient store and asks the clerk, who was working there a light bulb. The clerk said "do u have a lamp". The kid said "Yes". Then the clerk said that show me the lanp. So the kid said i don't have right now, it is at home. So the clerk said go home and bring the lamp so that i can give u a light bulb. The kid goes home and bring back the bulb and then the clerk gave him the bulb.
Next day,
the kid came again and asked for dog food. Again the clerk demands him to go home and bring the dog so that she can give him dog food. The kid goes home and brought dog with him and the clerk gave him dog food.

After few days,
The kid came again and this time he brought a bag with him and asks the clerk to put her hands into the bag. The clerk puts her hands and the bag touches it and them smell and said that "this smells like a ****". The kid replys and said "Now give me some Toilet paper".

2007-01-03 12:40:07 · 13 answers · asked by lilmisslouievuitton 2

1. What row of numbers comes next in this series?

1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221
2. A man was to be sentenced, and the judge told him, "You may make a statement. If it is true, I'll sentence you to four years in prison. If it is false, I'll sentence you to six years in prison." After the man made his statement, the judge decided to let him go free. What did the man say?
3. You have a barrel of oil, and you need to measure out just one gallon. How do you do this if you only have a three-gallon container and a five-gallon container?
4. If your sock drawer has 6 black socks, 4 brown socks, 8 white socks, and 2 tan socks, how many socks would you have to pull out in the dark to be sure you had a matching pair?
5. What is broken every time it's spoken?
6. How did Mark legally marry three women in Michigan, without divorcing any of them, becoming legally separated, or any of them dying?
7. Mom and Dad have four daughters, and each daughter has one brother. How many people are in

2007-01-03 12:36:59 · 7 answers · asked by kim 4

A Priest and a Rabbi were riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain chaste?"

The Priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "a lot better than pork isn't it?"

2007-01-03 12:35:16 · 14 answers · asked by Roll'n Bluntz 2

1.) a man and his wife go to the docters office... the man walks into the back. after 50 mins the docter walks into the waiting room with his wife and ses " your husband is gonna die unless you pamper him for a whole year...all the sports, food sex, ect. he wants, with tht he may live" the wife and her husband were driving home when the husband looks over and ses "so honey, wht did the doc. say" she looks over at him and ses "ur gonna die"

2.) a man walks into a mexican restaurant in mexico sits down right as the table next to him gets their food, it loos soo good and smells devine so when the waiter comes over he asks wht it is the waiter responds " that is the balls of the bull from the bull fight earlier" "well i want an order then, they look very delicious" sed the man "im sorry sr. there is only one a day, come back tomorrow and i will save them for you" the next day the man walks in and orders but relizes they are considerably smaller than yesterday "waiter the ones yesterday were much larger what happened?" "senor, the bull doesnt always loose"

3.) a man walks into a portapotty and gets bit on the dick by a rattlesnake...his friend who hears what happened immediatly calls the docter, the docter ses "well i wont get there for atleast 2 hours, you will have to suck out the venom..." the friend walks over to his friend and ses "the doc ses u better kiss ur *** goodbye

4.) A newly married couple were discussing their new life of living together. The male states "We should have some kind of code for when we are in bed so I know when you want to have sex. Something like... when you want to you just reach over and give me penis a tug or two." "Well," responds the woman, "what's the signal of I don't want to have sex?"The man replied, "In that case, just reach over and tug it 50 to 60 times."

5.) there was 3 deer hunters went out in the woods one day. 2 smart ones and one dork. one went out for about an hour and came back with a huge deer. the second guy asked him how he got his catch. he replied found the tracks followed the tracks found the deer and killed him. the second hunter went out for an hour came back with his deer. his friends asked him how he got his . he replied "found the tracks followed the tracks found the deer and killed the deer. the third hunter (the dork) went out for an hour came back. the others asked him what happened to him. he was all bruised up he replied "i did exactly what you did...i saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and got hit by a train."


phrases to live by

1.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
2.) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
3.) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
4.) Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
5.) a mechanic says to his custamer "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
6.) Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

2007-01-03 12:13:22 · 9 answers · asked by popeye 3

because chickens are walking around

2007-01-03 12:02:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

no windows no doors. and all you have is a mirror and a table....

who ever gets it gets 10pts.

2007-01-03 11:57:49 · 16 answers · asked by ♥(~~**~~)♥ 2

2007-01-03 11:57:11 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night and led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock." the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup." replied the drunk
"How's it work?" the friend asked squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear shattering pounding, and stepped back.
The 3 looked at each other.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed.
"You bastard...it's 10 past three in the morning!"

2007-01-03 11:56:50 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2007-01-03 11:56:34 · 15 answers · asked by ♥ღ...∂αηg3яσυѕℓу ιη ℓσν3...ღ♥ 5

There are ten lizards in the ceiling , one lizard jumped.

2007-01-03 11:56:26 · 8 answers · asked by MAI_Phils. 1

you Swallow most of it! so gross i know but i just saw this on animal planet and had to share it
grossly entertained i guess ?

2007-01-03 11:54:10 · 3 answers · asked by reseda1420 4

2007-01-03 11:53:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

SHIBBY!!!

2007-01-03 11:48:03 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous