a few good jokes and phrases?

Question

1.) a man and his wife go to the docters office... the man walks into the back. after 50 mins the docter walks into the waiting room with his wife and ses " your husband is gonna die unless you pamper him for a whole year...all the sports, food sex, ect. he wants, with tht he may live" the wife and her husband were driving home when the husband looks over and ses "so honey, wht did the doc. say" she looks over at him and ses "ur gonna die"

2.) a man walks into a mexican restaurant in mexico sits down right as the table next to him gets their food, it loos soo good and smells devine so when the waiter comes over he asks wht it is the waiter responds " that is the balls of the bull from the bull fight earlier" "well i want an order then, they look very delicious" sed the man "im sorry sr. there is only one a day, come back tomorrow and i will save them for you" the next day the man walks in and orders but relizes they are considerably smaller than yesterday "waiter the ones yesterday were much larger what happened?" "senor, the bull doesnt always loose"

3.) a man walks into a portapotty and gets bit on the dick by a rattlesnake...his friend who hears what happened immediatly calls the docter, the docter ses "well i wont get there for atleast 2 hours, you will have to suck out the venom..." the friend walks over to his friend and ses "the doc ses u better kiss ur *** goodbye

4.) A newly married couple were discussing their new life of living together. The male states "We should have some kind of code for when we are in bed so I know when you want to have sex. Something like... when you want to you just reach over and give me penis a tug or two." "Well," responds the woman, "what's the signal of I don't want to have sex?"The man replied, "In that case, just reach over and tug it 50 to 60 times."

5.) there was 3 deer hunters went out in the woods one day. 2 smart ones and one dork. one went out for about an hour and came back with a huge deer. the second guy asked him how he got his catch. he replied found the tracks followed the tracks found the deer and killed him. the second hunter went out for an hour came back with his deer. his friends asked him how he got his . he replied "found the tracks followed the tracks found the deer and killed the deer. the third hunter (the dork) went out for an hour came back. the others asked him what happened to him. he was all bruised up he replied "i did exactly what you did...i saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and got hit by a train."


phrases to live by

1.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
2.) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
3.) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
4.) Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
5.) a mechanic says to his custamer "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
6.) Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Answer 1

HA HA HA HA
i especially loved the last one--it was the only one i havent heard, yet it was REALLY worth it reading the old stuff
Useless Information
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A whale's penis is called a dork.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Answer 2

Cute but kind of lame! 7/10.

Answer 3

LOL! those are good, especially like the first one and the last phrase to live by.

Answer 4

hahaha LOL I can't stop laughing. hahaha You made my day.

Sorry I don't have any phrases maybe within next couple years or so.

Answer 5

Horrible... the look on my face would have been the same if I was watching someone get disemboweled.

Answer 6

Heres a good one...(in my opinion)

a man is in the ocean and is about to drown. a boat comes along and says "you need any help?''

The man says back "no thanks,God will save me." So the boat leaves. Then another boat comes along and says "you need any help?"

The man says again ''no thanks God will save me''

After a while the man drowns and goes to heaven. he goes to God and asks ''why didn't you save me!?"

God replies ''I sent 2 boats ya dummy!!"
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HAHAHAHAHA :D
Anyways....sorry i dont have any phrases...

Answer 7

only the 2,4,5 in the jokes were funny

Answer 8

Good jokes!!! the phrases to live by......so true!!

Answer 9

those are funny thanx