Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mom, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her bf who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the bf was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the bf was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother
again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they!"

2006-12-31 04:20:03 · 9 answers · asked by pokerface 4

would you leave or stay

2006-12-31 04:19:30 · 13 answers · asked by spring۞beauty 3

2006-12-31 04:07:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-31 04:06:54 · 22 answers · asked by Rachel <3 2

000000000000000_000000000000000
00000000000000___00000000000000
0000000000000_____0000000000000
000000000000_______000000000000
00000000000_________00000000000
0_______ Happy New Year_______0
000_________ ...._________ 0000
00000 _______2007!_______ 00000
0000000_________________0000000
000000_________0_________000000
00000_______0000000_______00000
0000_____0000000000000_____0000
000___0000000000000000000___000
00_0000000000000000000000000_00
8888888888888888888888888888888
8888___88888888888888888___8888
888_____888888888888888_____888
888_____888888888888888_____888
888_____888888888888888_____888
888_____888888888888888_____888
888_____888888888888888_____888
888_____888888888888888_____888
888_____88____888____88_____888
888_____8______8______8_____888
888_____8______8______8_____888
888_____8______8______8_____888
888_____8______8______8_____888
888_____8____888888888888888888
888_____8___88_____________8888
888_____8__88_______________888
888______888_________________88
888________88_________________8
888__________88_______________8
888____________88_____________8
888_____________88___________88
888______________8___________88
888_______________8__________88
888_______________8_________888
8888_______________________8888
88888_____________________88888
8888888888888888888888888888888

2006-12-31 03:56:48 · 17 answers · asked by chris b 4

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in.

2006-12-31 03:47:21 · 5 answers · asked by Wimpyyy 3

We had a party and my wife dressed up like a topless waitress for the night and we found an old plastic baby doll and cut a hole in its neck and packed fireworks in the hole and blew her off from the balcony. The doll landed across a field right next to a police car so we had to ditched the balcony and hide inside. But it was fun.

2006-12-31 03:42:45 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "Do you want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask that?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

lol

2006-12-31 03:36:08 · 23 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

2006-12-31 03:28:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want to paint my laudry room to look like a map of tropical islands. I want it to be humerous. I thought of a couple things "Island of Lost Socks", "Bleach Beach", "faded blue dolphins","clothespin palms".
Do you have any other ideas?
"Clean" laundry humor only, please.

2006-12-31 03:15:43 · 3 answers · asked by Janice M 2

2006-12-31 03:10:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

where have i put my envelopes?

2006-12-31 03:07:48 · 17 answers · asked by suethestickinsect 2

Saddam was being taken to his execution point and as he was approaching the gallows, the executioner places the noose around his neck and says to him, 'Saddam' do you have any last requests'. Saddam pauses for a moment and replies, 'Yes. I have one last request. I would like a beautiful woman and I would like to be F****d'. The executioner agrees and sends for the most beautiful woman in Iraq. She appears and is dressed in the sexiest, most revealing underwear. Saddams eyes light up at the thought of his final moments of pleasure on the earth. At the moment, the beautiful woman approaches him with bosom heaving and luscious red lips pouting.............................



the executioner pulls the lever and Saddam falls through the trapdoor and the rope tightens....................................




the executioner shouts loudly at Saddam............




'There, Now you're well and truly F****d'!!!!!!!

2006-12-31 02:47:56 · 23 answers · asked by jamand 7

A very elegant woman broke wind very loudly at a dinner and, thinking quickly, turned round to her butler and said "Jeeves, stop that at once!"
The butler replied "certainly, madam, which way did it go?"
So, if you have every let off a stinker, what did you do or say ?

2006-12-31 02:41:54 · 23 answers · asked by gorgeousfluffpot 5

is it?

2006-12-31 02:34:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

landlord says go for it the toilet is over there. the man then stands on the bar and pees everywhere and is barred from the pub saying "i feel so ashamed doing that"
about 6 months later he returns and the land lord is wondering whats on. he says "sorry about beforebut now i'm cured"
next thing hes stood on the bar peeing everywhere the land lord says "i thought you were cured?" the man says"yes i am and i dont feel the least bit ashamed

2006-12-31 02:21:42 · 20 answers · asked by peter.w 4

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.

"What's going on here?"

"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

2006-12-31 02:15:53 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

lord as i lay down at night to sleep, i pray for a man whos not a creep.
one whos handsome, smart and strong, one whos willy is thick and long.
oh send me a man who makes love to my mind and thinks i have the perfect behind.
but lord as i pray and look over my bed, i look at the wanker you sent me instead, amen.
hope it made someone smile
xx

2006-12-31 02:13:45 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I Heard He Was WELL HUNG

2006-12-31 02:10:22 · 6 answers · asked by rhijoa 2

He's called it "dangle in the wind"..

2006-12-31 02:04:34 · 14 answers · asked by jabelite 3

2006-12-31 01:58:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

He will swing for that next time!!

2006-12-31 01:57:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-31 01:51:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

2006-12-31 01:50:33 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-31 01:48:54 · 7 answers · asked by singlensullen 1

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

2006-12-31 01:45:43 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Riddle 1:

With thieves I consort,
With the vilest, in short,
I'm quite at ease in depravity;
Yet all divines use me,
And savants can't lose me,
For I am the center of gravity.
What am I?


Riddle 2:

I am the heart that does not beat.
If cut, I bleed without blood.
I can fly, but have no wings.
I can float, but have no fins.
I can sing, but have no mouth.
What am I?


Riddle 3:



I welcome the day with a show of light,
I came here stealthily in the night.
I bathe the earthy stuff at dawn,
But by noon, alas! I'm gone.
What am I?

Riddle 4:



I can be huge, or I can be small,
I can be long like a sausage, or round like a ball.
I might stay with you, or I might travel for miles.
For those of few years, I always bring smiles.
What am I?

2006-12-31 01:40:55 · 9 answers · asked by Hanna K 1

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't **** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

2006-12-31 01:40:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

My nephew (he's seven) made me a birthday card and it had the cutest inscription:

For your birthday, we trained Frankie the Fish to sing the birthday song for you, but unfortunately he's been singing a little off-key lately! But dont be mad please, because you know how hard it is to TUNA FISH!! Happy B-Day, Love your bestest nephew Shane.

Now isnt that adorable?

2006-12-31 01:32:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wishing all the people on yahoo all the very best for 2007,hope u hv a cracking night x?

2006-12-31 01:08:06 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous