Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

try to figure this one out

2006-12-31 13:10:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your grandma!

2006-12-31 13:09:52 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's with those shades he's always wearing?

2006-12-31 13:07:57 · 10 answers · asked by macroscope 2

He wanted one that weighed about 13 lbs. The pig farmer picked out a pig, stuck the tail between his teeth and bobbed his head a couple times.
"this one's close." he said
he put it on the scale and it weighed 11.5 lbs.
"That's amazing." the man said.
"My son is even better." the farmer bragged. He called his son over and told him what the man wanted. The boy grabbed a pig, stuck the tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down a couple times.
"This ones a 12 pounder, daddy."
They put it on the scale and sure enough, 12 lbs.
The man was stunned at this skill.
"My wife is even better." the farmer said. "Boy, run inside and get your ma."
The kid ran inside and then came back a minute later.
"She's busy daddy. She's weighing the mailman."

2006-12-31 12:59:01 · 18 answers · asked by homo.jesus 2

vomit

2006-12-31 12:54:58 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-31 12:53:33 · 20 answers · asked by pepsi0956 1

1;a 2 ton bag of dog saliva for honesty,2;a 5 ton bag of funny comedian jokes for laughter,3; a 5 lb. Box of blood from a lamb of ram. This we will pour over my global of the real world and when you go back there will be no harm or no crime. The world will be full of honesty and laughter and holiness. Then the voice quietly left. I looked at my grandmother and asked her if she knew about this before she left she said no I asked why she never did send me a sign. She said now lets not get all into it you must return before they take you off your bed rest. When I return to earth I wake up at the site of my mom and dad crying over me I said “what you’ve never seen a girl in the hospital before “yea” “but at first we were at a track meet then you fall then…” “well I’m ok now” but something in my body felt wrong “o diamond, the doctor had to go inside your chest to give you a new heart so if you feel a little weird then, you know what it is.” Then the door opened.....
to be contuied

2006-12-31 12:49:45 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Warning : this is the rudest sh1t ever"\
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.


2. Nice legs...what time do they open?


3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.


4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?


5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?


6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?


8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.


9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.


10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.


11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.


12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.


13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?


14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty i

2006-12-31 12:43:31 · 16 answers · asked by Sultan Cartman 5

Can anyone tell me a funny joke? I always say jokes that make people laugh at me instead of the joke. So please??

2006-12-31 12:15:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

They get under the fence and find themselves in a farmers field. They are amazed to find that the field is full of female rabbits and carrots. After hours of sex and eating carrots the two rabbits are laid in the grass recovering from the days exploits, when one rabbit says to the other "I'm off back to the lab". "What's the problem? This is paradise!" the other replies. " I'm fcuking dying for a smoke!"

2006-12-31 12:06:54 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

you are trying to get to San Francisco!
you drive up until you come across a fork in the road.
the sign says
1 of these roads lead to San Francisco
1 of these leads to your death
which do you choose?
then there was another sign
it said
on each road there is one person
making a total of 2 people
one person always lies
and one peson always tells the truth
the riddle is
you try to find out which way to go, but you can only ask 1 question that can make you find the right road
what question must you ask?

2006-12-31 11:57:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-31 11:24:56 · 19 answers · asked by My name's MUD 5

2006-12-31 11:18:33 · 32 answers · asked by taxi 6

A man goes to church one day and hears a sermon titled "ask God and He will give it to you". Based on Matthew 7:7-8

So he went home and asked God to put a highway between his house and his job so he could get to work easier. God explained that He wouldn't be able to do this because He does work that way and asked if there was anything else he wanted. He said, "yes, I would like a complete understanding of a woman's heart."

There was a pause, then the Lord replied, "that highway, do you want it to be 3 or 4 lanes wide?"

2006-12-31 11:07:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell it too me
and the funniest one gets 10 points

2006-12-31 11:04:48 · 15 answers · asked by Flafibopsicles 3

2006-12-31 10:47:30 · 10 answers · asked by qasswara 1

Becuase I found the rubber band....happy new year folks.

2006-12-31 10:43:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see
what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I
want her to know what I go through, so please create a
trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to
draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.


He drove to the electricity company and the phone
company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,
came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was
already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got
into an argument with them on the way home which he
had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set
out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By
then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and
washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and
fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for
an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although
his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaining. The next
morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord,
in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last
night!!!"

2006-12-31 10:34:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

In his sleevies! ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-31 10:23:58 · 5 answers · asked by youalone 1

fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered severe sunburn to his legs.
He was taken to the hospital.
His skin had turned a bright red, was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous drips of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs."

2006-12-31 10:22:31 · 25 answers · asked by OO7 3

sometimes when reading comments there are long abbreviations which i don't get. i only know the basics like OMG & LOL. anything over 3 letters and i got no idea. Please explain ???

2006-12-31 10:14:56 · 20 answers · asked by cybachic2000 2

any1 else got a sady husy joke?

2006-12-31 10:05:20 · 11 answers · asked by all_roads_lead_home 2

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!
The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'

2006-12-31 09:55:43 · 22 answers · asked by OO7 3

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? 2. One to actually do it and the other to say"Oh I can do that"!

What's a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless!

What note do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner!

2006-12-31 09:43:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Now hes down to two butts a day! ha ha ha

2006-12-31 09:40:35 · 17 answers · asked by smooozzzz 2

sorry saddam hussain says he cant make it to your new yrs eve party tonight he's hung over from last night

got some saddam hussain t-shirts for sale. a bit tight around the neck but they hang well

ignorant b@stuard that saddam, just phoned him and he's feckin hung up

elton john is brnging out a nw song in memory of saddam hussain......... its called dangle in the wind

really sorry if they offend you as i say its only a joke

2006-12-31 09:38:40 · 33 answers · asked by Jo C 3

2006-12-31 09:30:44 · 7 answers · asked by sakura7blossoms 2

2006-12-31 09:04:57 · 19 answers · asked by -- 4

A golfer wacks balls and a boxer gets their balls wacked

2006-12-31 09:04:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you figure out my riddle?

2006-12-31 09:04:02 · 8 answers · asked by rickle91 3