I need a joke?

Question

Can anyone tell me a funny joke? I always say jokes that make people laugh at me instead of the joke. So please??

Answer 1

Blonde Jokes

How do you kill a blonde?.....
Scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

How did the blond explain how her helicopter crashed?
She said it was getting cold, so she turned off the ceiling fan.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

What's the advantage of being married to a blond?
You can park in handicapped zones.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.

Where do you look for blonds' obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."

Did you hear about the blond who thought she discovered that
she had a twin brother?
She didn't realize he was looking in a mirror.

Did you hear about the blond who never learned to water ski?
She couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Why couldn't the blond bob for apples?
Her sister was using the toilet.

A blond is going to London on a plane; how can you steal her
window seat?
Tell her all seats going to London are in the middle row.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

Why don't blonds have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

Did you hear about the blond who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000
leagues under the sea?
She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there
were so many teams.

Why did the blond stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

What does a postcard from a blonde’s vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.

Why did the blond scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blond tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Why did the blond get so excited after he finished the jigsaw
puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."

Did you hear about the blond who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

A young blonde, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
"I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free.
Later the shopkeeper drove home. He spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou,
shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement
as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
"Darn!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" The blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?"

There is a blonde who goes into a store and says, "Excuse me sir, can I buy that television?" The guy said, "No, I don't sell anything to blondes." So the blonde goes home colors her hair red and goes back to the store. She says, "Excuse me sir, can I buy that television?" He says, "I don't sell anything to blondes." So the blonde goes home, colors her hair pitch black and goes back. She says, "Excuse me sir, can I buy that television?" He says," No I don't sell anything to blondes." She says, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" He says, "Only a blonde would think a microwave is a T.V."

A blond gets tired of it all and dyes her hair. She's now a brunette and feels *much* smarter. Everyone tells her she's smarter. So she goes for a drive in the country one day and stops in a lane which is blocked by a herd of sheep. She gets out, talks to the farmer and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" He looks perplexed but says, "Sure." So she says, “Uh....157?" He says, "My God, that's correct. Take a sheep. So she wanders among the herd. She likes this one and that one and finally is very attracted to one that wags its tail and likes her. She picks it up and puts in it the car. The farmer says, "Can I make a deal with you?" "Sure," says she. He says, "If I can guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her Lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman. She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser. So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head. Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...
"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Why was the blonde fired from her job at the M&M's factory? Because she kept throwing out all of the ones marked with a "W"!

How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree!

Other jokes

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State
building
drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so
intense that it carries you around the building and
back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar, but says nothing. The second guy
says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man,
"let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor
window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished."You
know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a
one-time fluke.
That was scientific-ally impossible!"
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles toward the street, the
10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the
bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the heck," the
second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony, plunges downward....rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th, 7th
floors....his body hits the sidewalk with a loud
"splat."
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his
head. He says..."You know, Superman, you’re very stupid when you’re drunk.

4 High School friends meet at their High School Reuion. Then the fourth High school dude goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons...---
Highschool Dude 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!
Highschool Dude 2: Really? My son's made me proud to. He's became so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.
Highschool Dude 3: Even my son got rich to. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yatch and plane.
---The fourth High school Dude comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son. ---
Highschool Dude 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.
Highschool Dude 1: What a shame.
Highschool Dude 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yatch, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends

Answer 2

You can read this off to them and they will have fun taking this test!

The Smart Test (For all your smart friends(<;

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't look at the answers UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Answer 3

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Answer 4

this is rude yet funny
Warning : this is the rudest sh1t ever"\
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.


2. Nice legs...what time do they open?


3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.


4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?


5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?


6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?


8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.


9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.


10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.


11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.


12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.


13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?


14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.


15. Are those real?


16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.


17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.


18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.


19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.


20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.


21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

2
2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?


23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.


24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.


25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?


26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.


27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.


28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.


29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.


30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?


31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.


32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?


33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.


34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???


35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.


36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.


37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet cloth

Answer 5

This isn't a joke exactly, but I do get a few laughs from it. I was trying to buy a house a couple of years back, and when I went into the office to sign some papers, the ethic group the bank had me grouped in was African American. I'm white.... My friend was with me and she thought I had pulled an inverse Michael Jackson!!

Answer 6

OK THERES THIS MAN AND WOMEN
THE MAN SELLS SCRAP FOR A LIVING THE WOMAN TELLS FORTUNE AND THERE REAL RICH THEY HAVE MONEY ON TOP OF MONEY THEY WOULD MAKE AT LEAST A THOUSAND DOLLARS A DAY SO ONE DAY THE WOMEN GOESE AND GETS A DOG AND A FEW DAYS PASS AND NEITHER ONE MAKES ANYTHING NOW THE MAN GETS SUSPECIOSE ON THE DOG AND SAYS TO THE WOMAN HEY IM TAKING THE DOG FOR A WALK AND HE GOES ABOUT 5 BLOCKS AWAY AND LAVES THE DOG THERE WHEN HE COMES HOME HE SEE'S
THE WOMEN ON THE PORCH PLAYING WITH THE DOG NOW ABOUT A WEEK GOES BYE THEY CANT MAKE A DOLLAR
SO THE MAN TAKES THE DOG A MILE AWAY AND LEAVES HIM WHEN HE COMES HOME HE SEES HER PLAYING WITH THE DOG AGAIN SO THE NEXT DAY HE'S ALL FREAKED OUT SO HE TAKES THE DOG AND PUTS HIM IN THE CAR AND DRIVES ABOUT 15 MILES AWAY AND LEAVES THE DOG IN THE WOODS AND NOW HE FORGOT HOW GET HOME SO HE CALLS THE WOMEN AND ASKES HER IF THE DOG IS THERE SHE SAYS YES SO HE SAYES WELL PUT HIM ON SO I GET DIRRECTIONS LOL,.

Answer 7

Three women were about get hung for steeling.they put the rope around the redheads neck all of a sudden ,she said oh no a tornado everybody duck!when they did she cut the rope off and got away.when-they brought the dark haired girl up they put the rope around her neck ,the exicutioner said ready,set,then the girl said lookout a stampede everybody ran the girl escaped ,when they brought the blond to hang ,she thought to herself,i got this figured out.they put the rope around her neck,the executioner said ready ,set ,and the blond said wait! then she said pull!

Answer 8

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....Nice children you've got there, are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? ..........Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replied the greeter, " I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

Answer 9

I got a tonge twister.
try 2 say sixish 5 times really fast!

Answer 10

A guy is having a costume party and everyone has to come as an emotion. First a girl shows up painted all green. The host asks, "What are you supposed to be?" She answers, "I'm Envy!"
Next, another girl shows up painted all red with little devil horns on. He asks, "What are you dressed as?" She says, "I'm Naughty!"
Then a guy shows up totally naked, with a hollowed out pear on the end of his ding-a-ling. He's asked, "Who are you supposed to be?" He answers, "I'm fcuking despair."