Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

I can be told, I can be played. What am I?

2006-12-26 03:38:19 · 9 answers · asked by theburlaces 3

2006-12-26 03:36:45 · 9 answers · asked by CHARLIEDONTSURF 2

There is a mirror, but no reflection. There is pizza with cheese, but not sausage. There is pepper, but no salt. There is a door, yet no entrance or exit. What is the law?

2006-12-26 03:35:23 · 10 answers · asked by theburlaces 3

*
MIND GAME


2% or 98%
* This is strange...can you figure it out?
*

* Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?
* Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* * Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > * There's no trick or surprise.
> >
> >
> >
* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
> >
> >
* * Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really.
> >
* * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something.)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* Think of a number from 1 to 10
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* Multiply that number by 9
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* Now subtract 5
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with. (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* Think of a country that starts with that letter.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* Remember the last letter of the name of that country.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* Remember the last letter in the name of that animal.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange ?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
* I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Keep this message going.This one is actually worth sending on to others.
Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are usual or unusual

2006-12-26 03:32:53 · 40 answers · asked by shadow dweller 2

I cannot move, but as you near me, I will move away from you. What am I?

2006-12-26 03:28:39 · 13 answers · asked by theburlaces 3

The answer relates to the party symbol.

2006-12-26 03:27:07 · 3 answers · asked by Snowshoe 3

how many times would you have written the number 3?

2006-12-26 03:26:13 · 19 answers · asked by theburlaces 3

And who should Scotty beam up on to the Star Ship Enterprise before this year ends-I reckon the world would be a better place if he beamed up anyone who scriptwrites anything on terrestial TV these days!!

2006-12-26 03:23:50 · 8 answers · asked by CHARLIEDONTSURF 2

I told her my back
Needed a crack
She said come on in
Let the fun begin

So she gave it a yank
With a hank crank
I jostled in pain
I said this is insane

So I gave her a whack
Defending my back
She looked kinda pissed
She smiled “You missed”

I said Doctor no more
She said back to the floor
She said this is fun
I wanted to run

She saw in my face
I hated this place
But the doctors not in
She said with a grin

2006-12-26 03:09:39 · 12 answers · asked by gary_b04901 1

Or is it just that I'm hero worshipped by three wise dyslexics?

2006-12-26 03:08:24 · 7 answers · asked by CHARLIEDONTSURF 2

a vicar owned 10 hens and a cockerel. One day his beloved cockerel went missing so he decided to mention it at morning service,
Sunday morning came and he stood in the pulpit and said,
Has anyone got a c.ock...all the men stood up...no no thats not what i meant.
Has anyone seen a c.ock.that doesn't belong to them...half the women stood up....no no thats not what i meant,
Has anyone seen my c.ock.


all the choir boys stood up.....

2006-12-26 03:00:23 · 27 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2006-12-26 02:57:27 · 7 answers · asked by CHARLIEDONTSURF 2

Here is a dumb riddle for you.

I have no shape and no form. I hide myself inside of you. When the time comes, you have no choice but to get rid of me.
I have many lives. You see me everyday. When you are alive, you can only see me out but not coming back, when you are dead, then I cease to exist. What am I??

2006-12-26 02:54:49 · 27 answers · asked by Webballs 6

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again praprays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

2006-12-26 02:51:46 · 21 answers · asked by Joe the God of Averageness® 4

2006-12-26 02:35:04 · 7 answers · asked by Vijay Gupta 2

Attorney General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation, he announces, "All right, boys and girls, you can all ask me questions now."
A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have 3 questions: 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties? 3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"
Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again.
Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions."
A young girl raises her hand and says, "I have 5 questions: 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties? 3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? 4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? 5. Where's Bobby?"

2006-12-26 02:33:31 · 8 answers · asked by theburlaces 3

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

2006-12-26 02:32:08 · 16 answers · asked by theburlaces 3

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

2006-12-26 02:27:17 · 11 answers · asked by theburlaces 3

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big boobs."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

2006-12-26 02:22:34 · 8 answers · asked by theburlaces 3

2006-12-26 01:59:23 · 10 answers · asked by CHARLIEDONTSURF 2

One night two dead boyz got up to fight it wuz a bit of a freight.The blind neighbor overlooked them and called the cops.The deaf policeman came with his hoarse asistance.The hoarse(mute)policeman yelled ''You two stop it right now!!!!!!!!!Then then crawled back to their graves THE END

2006-12-26 01:57:45 · 8 answers · asked by Zen Master Chiggy 5

TWISTED JUNGLE



A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little f#@%r has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

2006-12-26 01:53:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

He saw tht the girls spot was covered with a hat. He asked where he is? She said he has gone inside. The other man ran away.

2006-12-26 01:35:56 · 22 answers · asked by KNOWALL 2

Paddy had just arrived in London straight from the Irish countryside, he had promised to call his mother as soon as he arrived, he wandered around to find a quiet pub, and entered a gay bar. The landlord asked him what he would like, Paddy said have you got a phone i could use after ordering his Guinness.
The landlord explained that he only had a private phone and he would check up how much it would cost to ring Ireland, and went to find out. As Paddy waited, a gay guy walked into the pub, as the Landlord shouted, i can do it for 10 quid, the gay guy said i will do it for 5, Paddy agreed and followed the guy into the toilet, where the guy dropped his trousers and said to Paddy get hold of that,
Paddy did so and put it to his lips and shouted........Hello Mother can you hear me.

2006-12-26 01:35:00 · 18 answers · asked by spiritania 1

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

2006-12-26 01:27:50 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

many possible answers, of course.

2006-12-26 01:13:39 · 18 answers · asked by Snowshoe 3

A 70yr old man had a Jaguar car from new, his pride and joy, a law abiding citizen, one night he was going for a drive and decided to see just how fast the old Jag would go, he pushed his foot down to the bottom and the old jag was pushin around 120, then he heard the sirens and saw the blue lights, so he gave them a chase, he knew they could'nt catch him so eventually the guy pulled over.
The officer said look sir, it's late at night and its been a very long day, 30 yrs in the service, it you can give me an excuse that i have'nt heard, i wont book you.
The old man replied, my wife ran off with police officer 3 weeks ago and i thought you were bringing her back.
The officer let him go.

2006-12-26 01:13:01 · 22 answers · asked by spiritania 1

(every strait line needs to equal 16). I give up. How about at least a clue (one number anywhere in the block)? Please don't leave us hanging.

2006-12-26 01:12:50 · 7 answers · asked by Clarissa P 3

Not a man, and not an animal but it is crying?

2006-12-26 01:12:19 · 29 answers · asked by hotchixxxz 3

Curious to see if someone can come up with the answer to this riddle.

2006-12-26 01:06:19 · 12 answers · asked by hiclaude 3