Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-25 16:42:56 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2006-12-25 16:37:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK.........

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Well! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk !

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

2006-12-25 16:29:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-25 16:18:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

saw this earlier: It could be about anything!

2006-12-25 16:17:01 · 19 answers · asked by maddsk8 2

a w*nker

2006-12-25 16:16:47 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Out for a walk
Paddy and Murphy were walking in the highlands then suddenley
paddy fell down a deep hole.
"Are you ok?" said murphy.
"Fine thanks!" said Paddy.
"Did you break anything Paddy?"
"No, there's nothing down here!"

2006-12-25 16:07:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can anyone guess the answer?

2006-12-25 15:48:46 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The pallbearers at a funeral drop the casket as they climg the steep church steps. The casket flies down the stairs, across the street, and right through the front window of a pharmacy. The casket ends its journey when it slams into the pharmacy counter, the lid pops open, the body sits straight up and the pharmacist says "Can I help you?" The deceased says "No, I'm all set now. I was just looking for something to stop this coffin."

2006-12-25 15:37:07 · 11 answers · asked by Commander 3

A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.
She said "I can't believe you did this for me."
Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."
But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.
With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."

2006-12-25 15:31:16 · 19 answers · asked by Pimperella4u 1

joke and rittle see if it is posible to get this one the last one i got a lot of points for it .

2006-12-25 15:21:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8.... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

2006-12-25 15:15:01 · 40 answers · asked by Pimperella4u 1

Give me your best yo mama jokes.

2006-12-25 15:14:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

a mexican

hahahaha
hahahaha
hahahaha
etc............

2006-12-25 15:09:15 · 33 answers · asked by god g 1

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

2006-12-25 14:54:30 · 22 answers · asked by Grand Ma Jay 2

Question:
If a tree falls into a lake how many fishes will there be?

Answer:
Chesse because its made out of milk.

2006-12-25 14:41:54 · 15 answers · asked by konellaquell 2

bored :d

2006-12-25 14:24:57 · 21 answers · asked by Hi 4

they went fishing,there are 2 sons and 2 dads, but that is four, but i said there is 3

Good luck

2006-12-25 14:18:16 · 30 answers · asked by pinay 2

IN A KINDERGARTEN CLASS,A TEACHER SAID;
"WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT MULTI SYLLABIC WORDS,CAN YOU GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE?"
JOHNY RAISED HIS HAND AND SAID "MAS-TUR-BATE"
ABIT SHOCKED AND AS NOT TO APPEAR PERPLEXED SHE RESPONDED "THAT'S A MOUTFUL JOHNY!!!"

JOHNY RESPONDED "YOUR TALKING ABOUT *******, IM TALKING ABOUT JERKING OFF!!"

2006-12-25 14:10:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

2006-12-25 14:08:11 · 21 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

2006-12-25 14:03:38 · 8 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

2006-12-25 14:00:08 · 6 answers · asked by Mr.Why? 2

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."

2006-12-25 13:49:46 · 17 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

But the men's room was occupied. The stewardess, suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the
importance of what women say, the man tried the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed button marked "WW" and warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, women really have it made!" Still curious he pressed "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air dried his bottom. He thought that was neat! The "PP" button yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in a hospital he panicked and called for
the nurse. He asked, "What happened? The last thing I remember is being in a ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed ATR.

2006-12-25 13:43:29 · 11 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God." she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.

The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ***."

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus."

With that the nun turns around and says, "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

2006-12-25 13:41:10 · 13 answers · asked by Mr.Why? 2

2006-12-25 13:28:24 · 5 answers · asked by Barbie 6

2006-12-25 13:24:16 · 12 answers · asked by onelight 5

I love reading really funny embarassing stories. anyone have a couple???

2006-12-25 13:05:28 · 12 answers · asked by MissPerfect 1

2006-12-25 13:01:23 · 13 answers · asked by stav_rock 2

2006-12-25 12:27:54 · 10 answers · asked by ilajaha m 1