What is the best joke you heard before?

Question

bored :d

Answer 1

If I told you you'd have to laugh!!

Answer 2

Probably not the best, but this one has always stuck with me (apologies to Polish readers, I'm Polish myself):

Three polocks go into the woods to hunt. They all agree that if any of them become lost, they are to fire three shots into the air every hour until they are found.

After some time two of our hunters realize that they are separated from the third and are, indeed, lost.

The first of the lost polocks fires three shots in the air, as agreed. Eventually enough time goes by that the second lost polock must begin to use his ammunition to fire into the air, as the first has expended all of his.

Several more hours go by. The first polock says to the second: "fire three more shots. Its getting dark".

The second replies: "OK, but I'm almost out of arrows."

Answer 3

A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads "Can I have
12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well."

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven's sake!", to which the guy responds... "Genius me butt - this is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key!"

this may be long but worth it.

Answer 4

OK so a Geometry Teacher is Flying to Chicago, The teahcer goes through security and is carrying a bag with a protactor, a compass, a ruler, a calculator and other various mathematical tools. As the teacher goes through the screening a security guard approaches and says "you're under arrest!" the geometry teacher asks why. The responce was "for carrying weapons of mass construction." hahahah! yay, classic...

Answer 5

St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven when three men appeared, all of them doctors. Peter looked at the first one and asked, ''What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?''
''I was an oncologist—I helped many cancer patients and saved many lives,'' the man answered.
''Very well,'' said St. Peter. ''You may enter...''
Peter looked at the second man and asked, ''What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?''
''I was a clinical pediatrician—I helped many poor kids who could not afford private care,'' said the second man.
''Very well,'' said St. Peter. ''You may enter...''
Peter then turned to the third man and asked, ''And what have YOU done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?''
''I was the director of a large HMO company in the United States,'' the third man said proudly.
St. Peter paused and looked in his book for a few minutes. After a while, he looked up and said to the third man, ''Well, you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but you may only stay for three days....''

HOW TO INSTALL A CHEAP HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size 14-16.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo and NRA magazines.

3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba: Big Mike, Slim, Tiny and I went for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pit bulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but I locked all four of them in the house. Better wait outside”

Answer 6

this guy went to a pet shop and in the window was a frog for 1500 dollars.He asked the clerk,''why is that frog 1500 dollars''?The clerk said that the frog would give him the best head job he has ever had.The man said he would buy it.He got home and a while later his wife showed up and he was in the kitchen boiling a pot of water with the frog in his hand.His wife said,''i hope your not planning on cooking that frog''The man said '' no,but if i can teach it to cook...your out of here''

Answer 7

why did the pervert cross the road?
his dick was stuck in the chicken.
(not the best ever, but the only joke i can think of at the time.)

Answer 8

a blonde lady went into a curtain shop
she asked the salesmen " i want a pink curtain"
the salesman show her all nice ones
she liked the floral pink curtain
the salesman said,"what size"
"15 inches plz."
"that is a small room"
"it's for my computer"
"you don't need a curtain for your computer"
blonde lady said " Hellllllo, it has windows"

Answer 9

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Potato.

Answer 10

When you are with a bunch of buddies and drunk... Write this message and have them read this:

I wee todd did.
I wee todd did.
I sofa king wee todd did.

Read it a few times and them you'll get a good laugh out of it. It seems to work better if someone reads it to you. I am laughing just thinking of it.

Answer 11

Sorry to disappoint but I can't repeat it in this venue. There are sensitive ears and eyes here.