Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

37OH-SSV-O773H.

Bush was baffled, so he emailed Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA and NASA.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down"

2006-12-25 02:55:11 · 8 answers · asked by amudwar 3

2006-12-25 02:51:18 · 5 answers · asked by kazihamid 1

A guy walks into a bar with a dog dressed up in a Dallas Cowboys outfit and pom-poms. The bartender says, "Hey, I don't allow pets in my bar." The guy tells him, "Oh, come on, he's really a good dog, and we both want to see the Dallas Cowboys game. I promise, if he bothers anyone, we'll both leave." The bartender thinks about this, and says, "Well, I guess as long as you promise he'll behave..." So the game starts, and after a few plays, the Cowboys score a field goal. The dog gets up on the bar and starts waving his pom-poms around and dancing! Everyone is absolutely amazed, and the bartender says, "Wow! What does he do when they score a touchdown?" The guy says, "I have no idea. I've only had him for five years."

2006-12-25 02:48:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-25 02:31:34 · 3 answers · asked by area52 6

No, I did not write this, obviously...since I'm a girl...lol...
~~~

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.

"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end... a confused silence.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him that she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

2006-12-25 02:29:41 · 11 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks
they're jokes.

2006-12-25 02:29:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

You know you live in a small town when . . .

The town newspaper is published monthly.

It has an aquarium -- stocked with live minnows.

The town is named after EVERYONE'S distant relative.

It was founded on April Fools' Day as a practical joke.

The Ice Cream store has only two flavors, chocolate and vanilla.

There's no hospital -- only a first aid kit.

For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down main street.

There's no bank... as soon as someone gets enough money, they leave.

The only traffic jam's are caused when a farmer drives down Main Street on his combine.

The local phone book has a yellow page.

Third Street is on the edge of town.

The 7-11 is only open from 8 - 5.

The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road.

At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd place.

The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction.

There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

"Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

The New Year's baby was born in October.

2006-12-25 02:24:54 · 7 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

A parish priest, Father O'Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.

A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic.

Sooo.....Father O'Brien decides to say his own few words while they await the politician's arrival......

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. What is confessed in there to me, is never repeated on the outside. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I ever heard here.

Realize, please, that I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech.

"I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O'Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at this congregation."

2006-12-25 02:08:56 · 13 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

A little boy is told by his mother that he has been very bad this year. Thus, he would probably not get anything for Christmas.

"What? Nothing for Christmas?" cried the little boy.

"Well," said mom, "maybe if you write a letter to baby Jesus and tell him how sorry you are, Santa will bring you some presents."

The little boy returned to his room and began his letter. With each attempt at writing he would first apologize and then promise to be good for a certain amount of time. Each letter he crumpled-up, and then started again, making the "be good" time shorter with each letter.

Just as he was about to give up in frustration, he was suddenly struck by a bolt of inspiration! Running to the living room he carefully removed the little Mother Mary figure from the family's manger scene, and then he carefully wrapped it in a sock, placing it in his top drawer. Returning to his desk, he took out a clean piece of paper and began to write:

"Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your Mother again...."

2006-12-25 02:00:39 · 11 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

The devil came to a young lawyer and said,

"I'll make you a partner, if your firm, will give me your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of each of your three kids, and also, you have to agree to sell every one of your clients down the river."
"Okay", said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"

2006-12-25 01:54:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three (3) most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don't EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you....


*Things NOT To Say When Hanging The Christmas Lights*

"You've got two red lights right next to each other, goober. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

"Give me that!!"

"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!."

"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

"Have you been drinking?!!?"

"Okaaay! Looks like we're *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey....wait a minute, where's the cat?"

2006-12-25 01:49:46 · 8 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

the other, "ever thought about a transplant". His mate replies: " I don't think i'd look any good with kidney on my head"

2006-12-25 01:25:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

that my wife and i were perfectly happy for 20 years.............then we met !!!!!

2006-12-25 00:50:01 · 19 answers · asked by Shredder 6

three friends went to a hotel.the bill was $. 75/-

each one contributed $.25/-.

the waiter took the bill to the cashier.

the cashier was happy & decided to give them a discount of $.5/- & said the waiter to return them $.5/-.

but he was confused how to distribute $. 5 among 3 persons.

he kept $. 2 in his pocket & gave one $ to each one of the 3 persons.

so 1st each one contributed 25 $.

now as they are given 1 $.

back their contibution reduces to $. 24.

they all contributed $. 24 that is 24x3=72 & 2 $ are in the waiters pocket.

the total becomes 74 but they paid $ 75.

where is the remaining 1 $?.

2006-12-25 00:21:56 · 17 answers · asked by crazysaloum 1

Have a good time people... answer for your 2 points :P :D

2006-12-24 23:47:33 · 24 answers · asked by Spike2012 2

Neil Armstong was the first person to walk on the moon and
M. Jackson f ucks little boys.

2006-12-24 23:22:46 · 11 answers · asked by I H8 YOU 2

What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the afternoon, and 3 in the evening?

2006-12-24 23:15:24 · 13 answers · asked by ilovedoves65 2

Round and round, up and down, here I go. Sit back and enjoy the view.
What am I?

2006-12-24 22:15:41 · 20 answers · asked by Sonic The Hedgehog 1

I`d prefer it if you called her Heather

2006-12-24 21:58:43 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Millions of lines and dots down I go.
What am I?

2006-12-24 21:58:02 · 16 answers · asked by Sonic The Hedgehog 1

He laid her on the table, so white and clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...
He looked inside, all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms.....



























then... STUFFED THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY!!!

Wish you all and your dirty little minds a very MERRY CHRISTMAS! lol!

2006-12-24 21:53:19 · 41 answers · asked by digitalfortress 3

Im a DJ...

2006-12-24 21:39:30 · 19 answers · asked by Limeyb 2

1 1 is a race horse
2 2 is 1 2
1 1 1 1 race 2 2 1 1 2

2006-12-24 21:36:19 · 17 answers · asked by benji 3

I just heard a 'thud' from the kitchen and went down to see Mr. GorgeousFluffpot face-down in the Christmas pudding mix. I left him there half an hour ago with a bottle of sherry and instructions to stir it in the mix but I suspect he has drunk it all..
So I have one snoring Mr.GorgeousFluffpot, who is slumped over the kitchen table, and a teetotal Xmas pudding.
Oh, and I have eight people arriving for lunch in two hours' time.
How do I wake up Mr. GF, get the cake mix off his beard, slosh-up the Xmas pud and get ready for lunch?

2006-12-24 21:30:35 · 35 answers · asked by gorgeousfluffpot 5

You hear me speak, but I do not breathe.
What am I?

2006-12-24 21:28:15 · 13 answers · asked by Sonic The Hedgehog 1

Mountains and valleys bow down before me.
Oceans and fires dance for me.
I more powerful then any stars.
I kill with out mercy and with out discrimination.
When you look in the mirror, you see my work.
Those who are wise respect me, I wait for no man.
I do not need to rest, for every second, every minute, every day, every month and every year I am working with out a break.
What am I?

2006-12-24 21:18:15 · 13 answers · asked by Sonic The Hedgehog 1

I understand ambulance people, nurses, police, etc., but there's a fair few people working at their PC today so what is it that you do for a job that you need to be at work for.
Oooooh, awful grammatic sentence, I know, but I have hit the sherry HARD this morning and my typing is starting to deteriorate ....

2006-12-24 21:00:56 · 17 answers · asked by gorgeousfluffpot 5

question just asked by next door's six-year-old. What shall I say?

2006-12-24 20:59:25 · 22 answers · asked by gorgeousfluffpot 5

Both "angry" and "hungry" end in "gry", but what is the third word in the English language?

2006-12-24 20:58:21 · 6 answers · asked by striegyr 1

2006-12-24 20:28:38 · 17 answers · asked by ken.chpmn 1