Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

post what it comes? and how do u like it?
RULES-->Please select month, date and colour that is relevant to you or the colour you like and complete the sentence.

Pick the month you were born in:
January-------i shot
February----- i ate
March---------i killed
April------- -i ran away with
May-----------i fell in love with
June----------i murdered
July----------i gave my shoes to
August--------i sang a duvet with
September ----i had crush on
October-------i danced with
November -----i kissed
December------I hit

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------------homeless guy
2-------------a fat lady
3-------------a mad cow
4-------------a mad monkey
5-------------a mexican
6-------------a gangster
7-------------a monkey
8------ ------an ipod
9------- -----my best friends boyfriend
10------------a goat
11------ -----my dog
12------ -----my cat
13------------the computer
14------- ----my science teacher
15-------- ---my neighbor
16------------myself
17------------a giraffe
18--------- --my bestfriend’s girl friend
19------------a gorilla
20------------a stuffed animal
21------------a permenant marker
22----------- a policeman
23------------a cannibal
24------------a baseball bat
25------------my pshyciatrist
26------------old lady
27------------hockey stick
28--------- --a football player
29--------- --a post man
30------------a paperclip
31------------my cell phone

Pick the color of shirt/top/salwar you are wearing:
White---------Because i was high
Black---------Because I was drunk.
Pink----------Because I m a half dead.
Red---------- Because I was in mental hospital
Blue----------Because i cant control myself.
Green---------Because I hate myself.
Purple--------Because I’am shy
Gray----------Because that’s the way Iam
Yellow--------Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--------Because I enjoy it.
Other---------Because I was hungry

2006-11-29 05:16:24 · 16 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

going on in the World at the moment it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which went almost totally unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote ''The Hokey Pokey'' died peacefully in his home at the ripe old age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was when they were putting him in the Coffin. You see they put his left leg in . ... And then the trouble started.. ......... AAh come on you know its funny.. Well a little bit mabe ???

2006-11-29 05:15:49 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, a gang of raiders' efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat," The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SP--M BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

2006-11-29 05:03:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

RF,DB,SG,BH,HS,

Clue, women have them once per month normally

2006-11-29 05:02:35 · 11 answers · asked by The brainteaser 5

HE SAID/SHE SAID…

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to
make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well you've succeeded.

He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said... Good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

2006-11-29 05:00:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mine was the first time I went fishing I chucked the expensive poll across the river. Real smooth, what a dork!

2006-11-29 04:56:46 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-29 04:54:00 · 3 answers · asked by wmf936 5

I was thinking of buying a box of condoms XXL and some femenine wipes. Then when a girl at school is not looking, put them in her bag and then after a few minutes accidentally know her bag over so the contents fall to the floor infront of everyone.

2006-11-29 04:38:15 · 22 answers · asked by Pimp of the Day 1

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Seanin (Also Kerrymen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Seanin in to identify the body. Seanin took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Seanin looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".


The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Seanin said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes." "What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."

2006-11-29 04:28:20 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-29 04:23:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

2006-11-29 04:17:29 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sp--m, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

2006-11-29 04:11:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

u have 12 litre water in a jar, and u have to split it into half. u have 2 other empty jars of exactly 8 and 5 litre capacity, how will u split 12 litre into half

2006-11-29 04:11:12 · 18 answers · asked by Amelia 1

driving along when they see a wounded skunk at the side of the road....they stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and takes it back to the car. She says " Look it's shivering it must be cold , what should i do ? "quick" says the husband "put it between your legs" "But what about the smell" says she,
"HOLD ITS NOSE."

2006-11-29 04:09:02 · 22 answers · asked by chris w. 7

the beginning of eternity
the end of space and time
the beginning of every end
and the end of every place

2006-11-29 04:08:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PE--S' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PE--S' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

2006-11-29 04:07:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO
EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO
HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY
BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR
HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF
$27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

2006-11-29 04:05:56 · 18 answers · asked by ? 3

He opened it and there was letter inside . It read'' Dear God Im an 83 Year old lady and I had my bag stolen last week, Inside my bag was my pension money and now I have no money to buy food for Christmas dinner and I've invited three of my closest friends over for x. Mass so I wonder if you could help me out please. Thanks God . Signed Elizebeth.. Touched by this letter the Postal worker put the letter on the notice board and a collection was raised by all the postal workers. 200 Euro was collected and was sent off to the old lady. A week after x.Mass another letter arrived and again was addressed to God. The same postal worker open it and it read. Dear God Thanks very much for the money , I was beside myself when It arrived and I had a wonderful x mass and we ate like kings. I noticed however that the money you gave was short by 5 Euro . It must have been those Thieveing B**tards at the Post Office who took it.............Good joke yes ???

2006-11-29 04:02:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is Greater than God worse than evil the poor have it the rich require it and if you eat it you die?

2006-11-29 03:58:16 · 14 answers · asked by ? 3

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

2006-11-29 03:57:48 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-29 03:55:51 · 16 answers · asked by Jenna G 1

This joke is just a joke and in no way conveys my feelings toward any race.
Scroll Down for the joke.












A white guy, a black guy, and an Iraqi were on a plane flying to South America. The pilot is looking at his gauges and says,
"Hey you guys, we have already dumped all of the luggage and we still seem to be a little heavy. One of you is going to have to jump out of the plane. I can't jump since I am the pilot, so I will ask each of you a question, if you cannot answer it...you have to jump."
The three men agreed and so he asked the white guy a question.
"What is the famous ship that sank in the North Atlantic?"
"The Titanic," replie the white guy. "Correct," says the pilot and turns to the black man, "next question. How many people died on the Titanic?" The black man said, "About 1,500." "Correct," and then turns the Iraqi and asks,
"Ok...what were their names?"

2006-11-29 03:53:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry
and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so
confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit
some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying,
they slept all day Sunday and didn't make
it back to Duke until early Monday morning .

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the
final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.  

They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a
flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam.

The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them each
a test booklet.  They quickly answered the first problem worth 5
points. Cool, they thought, this is going to be easy,
then turned the page.  On the second page was written:

For 95 points: Which tire?

2006-11-29 03:42:17 · 15 answers · asked by babyvictorialee 2

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

2006-11-29 03:33:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Make me laugh!

2006-11-29 03:26:45 · 18 answers · asked by mighty_power7 7

When i was in year 8 in school, there was this lad in my tech rm class (woodwork 2 others!) who i couldnt stand! sooo, after a long lesson i went over to the sink to was my hands n he followed! whilest i was using the bar of soap, i gave him this bottle n told him it was liquid soap. I then ran out of the class. 2 minutes later he came running out the class shouting and screaming because i had given him "super super glue" and his hands wer stuck together!! i know you will proberly think im a ***** now but it was funny at the time n he looks back and laughs at it now!

2006-11-29 03:25:58 · 17 answers · asked by katie-pie 2

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and ask to see her ticket. She then tells the blond that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blond replies, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a
Blond sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blond and tries to explain that because she only paid for
Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blond replies, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blond who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED
TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

He goes back to the blond and whispers in her ear, and she says, "OH,
I'M SORRY." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON

2006-11-29 03:24:29 · 19 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

2006-11-29 03:18:10 · 12 answers · asked by Push It 1

2006-11-29 03:16:13 · 8 answers · asked by Push It 1

I was told this riddle, i guessed a mouth, but I was wrong.

2006-11-29 03:10:41 · 6 answers · asked by anthony c 3