another funny 1?

Question

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

Answer 1

Made me laugh - noddy badge and a thumb 4 u

Answer 2

Ha Ha. Thats real funny.

Get this

Little Johnny's Big Answer

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the
grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are
restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
____________________________________________________

Hospital regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.
____________________________________________________

Going home

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung
himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you
saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"
____________________________________________________

Fishing trip

In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking,
Brenda's phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husband's
best friend, to be very quiet. As she answered the phone, he listened
quietly to her cheerful side of the conversation.
"Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that sounds wonderful! I'm so happy
for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!"
She hung up the phone and her lover asked, "Who was that?"
She replied, "That was just my husband, telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
____________________________________________________

New Jersey hunters

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one falls to
the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in
his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He
gasps to the operator,"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The
operator, in a calm soothing voice says:"Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back
on the line. He says:"OK, now what?"
____________________________________________________

New Priest in Town

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess
to adultery, Ill quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say instead that they had fallen.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the
priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the
town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When
people come into the confessional, they keep telling me theyve
fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest
shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I dont know what youre
laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
____________________________________________________

Ladder to Success

Ladder to Success

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the
clouds. Hed walked this way every day and this ladder was never there
before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed
into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman
lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured
success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came
upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than
before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry
saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another
level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of
a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really
liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure
enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed
woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldnt believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He
climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly,
the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a
400-pound, 68" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up
and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "Im Cess."

----------------------
Suck Cess????? Oh no..!

BYE - Imtiyaz G

Answer 3

There once was a man whose given name was "Onestone", so
>> named because he had only one testicle.
>> He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!
>> After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
>> "If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!"
>>
>> The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
>> Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
>> morning, Onestone..."
>> He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
>> made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
>> next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>>
>> The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
>> do.
>&g t; Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
>> woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after
>> being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
>> overjoyed when she
>> saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
>> Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
>> love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
>> next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird
>> wouldn't die!
>>
>> What is the moral of this story?
>> 'OH, 'Come on'...take a guess!
>> Think about it ..
>>
>>
>> And the moral is .
>>
>>
>> "...You can't kill two birds with one stone!"
>>

Answer 4

gud 1

Answer 5

Morning has broken and so did the landlord's luck...good one

Answer 6

good joke always laughing spoiled by that endless joke in the middle of answers

Answer 7

lol 9/10 very funny

Answer 8

hee hee, thats a good one...keep em coming. I also like the joke about onestone that someone posted...LOL!

Answer 9

hahahaha.... lol. good joke. actually i didnt understand the first time i read then went on again on the punch line and got it. its great!!! wow. loved that one.

Answer 10

Real Funny..... All the jokes on here are funny.