Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

I just wanted to say that Mothers are very amazing and they have from me the most respect that I could give to all the mothers in the world, it is enough for them to take the pain and have us here in this life and not just this but they keep going until we grow up and be ready for the world :) I love my Mother and My father and I hope from all of you that see this question if you have a problem with your mother go back and give her love and be under her feet no matter what. So here is the question you are waiting for!!!!! When your mother had you in the first day there is something the baby knows very well about his mother that he or she cant miss at all. In another meaning if the baby was hold by the nurse he or she would know that is not his or her mother at all but when he or she goes to the mother he or she knows very well this is it but cant say. If the babies can talk when they come out you would be very shocked of how the baby knows his mother very well ? So what is

2006-11-28 20:02:42 · 5 answers · asked by § 2

I just wanted to say that Mothers are very amazing and they have from me the most respect that I could give to all the mothers in the world, it is enough for them to take the pain and have us here in this life and not just this but they keep going until we grow up and be ready for the world :) I love my Mother and My father and I hope from all of you that see this question if you have a problem with your mother go back and give her love and be under her feet no matter what. So here is the question you are waiting for!!!!! When your mother had you in the first day there is something the baby knows very well about his mother that he or she cant miss at all. In another meaning if the baby was hold by the nurse he or she would know that is not his or her mother at all but when he or she goes to the mother he or she knows very well this is it but cant say. If the babies can talk when they come out you would be very shocked of how the baby knows his mother very well ? So what is

2006-11-28 20:02:14 · 1 answers · asked by § 2

Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.

2006-11-28 20:01:25 · 22 answers · asked by anitha 4

The American, German and Chinese go camping. When they get to the camping site they decide to divide the chores, the american should go get water, the german firewood and the chinese shoud organise the supplies. After a while the german and the american come back to the camping site with their wood and water but there is no sight of the chinese guy, only a big sack in the middle of the camp site. So they wait for the chinese guy to show up but he doesn't pitch. Dying with hunger they decide to open the bag to see what food the chinese guy organized. As they open the bag the chinese guy jumps out and shouts SUPPLIES!!!!

2006-11-28 19:44:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-28 19:44:03 · 9 answers · asked by Zoey x 1

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

2006-11-28 19:11:16 · 15 answers · asked by vinny_the_hack 5

2006-11-28 19:09:37 · 16 answers · asked by P T 1

You know that sex is a good exercise, recent study shows that how many calories are used for different sexual activities. Here is a result for you,

Removing her clothes:
With her consent - 12 cal
Without her consent - 187 cal

Opening her bra:
With both hands - 8 cal
With 1 hand - 12 cal
With your teeth - 85 cal

Putting on a condom:
With an eraction - 6 cal
Without eraction - 315 cal

Premiminaries:
Trying to find clitoris - 8 cal
Trying to find the G-spot - 92 cal

Positions:
Missionary - 12 cal
69 lying down - 78 cal
69 standing up - 112 cal
Wheelbarrow - 216 cal
Doggy style - 326 cal
Italian chandelier - 912 cal

Orgasamic:
Real - 112 cal
Fake - 315 cal

Post orgasm:
Lying in bed hugging - 18 cal
Getting up immediatly - 36 cal
Explaining why you got out of bed so soon - 816 cal

Getting a 2nd eraction if you are:
20-29 yrs - 36 cal
30-39 yrs - 80 cal
40-49 yrs - 124 cal
50-59 yrs - 972 cal
60-69 yrs - 2916 cal
70+ - Results are awaited

2006-11-28 18:38:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points to the 1 who can lighten my day :-)

2006-11-28 18:17:14 · 7 answers · asked by kiss 1

2006-11-28 17:52:54 · 14 answers · asked by morbidsmindtrip 3

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

What has only 1 horn and gives milk?
A: A milk truck!

Hehhe... And here is today's riddle:

What do you call a hamburger made with pork?

Have fun! :)

2006-11-28 17:51:09 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-11-28 17:45:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court??

He heard that the refaree was blowing fowles. Ha ha ha

2006-11-28 17:42:46 · 13 answers · asked by blackbolt 2

Ans:
She could never take a color picture of herself!

2006-11-28 17:41:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-28 17:41:17 · 15 answers · asked by Joho 7

A boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

2006-11-28 17:34:31 · 22 answers · asked by anitha 4

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

2006-11-28 17:29:46 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this . I gotta go home and screw the cat."

2006-11-28 17:22:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"

"Make it a whisky," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.

"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."

"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."

Anyway, two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same bartender.

The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the asshole who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"

"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"

"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."

"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whisky."

2006-11-28 17:20:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

2006-11-28 17:12:25 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

if a man says something in the forest and no woman is around to hear him is he still wrong?

2006-11-28 17:00:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

because hotels are not designed for little people, so he has opened a hotel where everything is scaled down to fit dwarfs and he is not charging anything for the rooms. They are called stay free mini pads.

2006-11-28 16:47:00 · 6 answers · asked by al p 3

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked
if
she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle
East. See
this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and
I
want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It
will
bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape
after
being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!
I
don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, hard
working, with a good education and a successful profession, accepts and respeaccepts
and
respects me for who I am, is sensitive and willing to talk and listen,
>likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, adores me and is great
in
bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time,
and
is absolutely faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that damn map again."

2006-11-28 16:37:00 · 9 answers · asked by miki 3

2006-11-28 16:32:15 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

well i want to do jokes but i dont which to do can u give me one

2006-11-28 16:18:21 · 6 answers · asked by MARIA R 2

You live in California when ...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is; you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Alaska when . . .

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when . . .

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.

You live in Colorado when . . .

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You live in the Midwest when . . .

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

2006-11-28 15:58:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

explain why the daughter would dream about killing her mom

2006-11-28 15:54:47 · 6 answers · asked by RaNDOMme 1

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.

The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," says the woman.

"I didn't even touch you," replies the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment."

2006-11-28 15:49:26 · 7 answers · asked by Crazy in love 1

This gorgeous blond chick had a tattoo of the map of Canada put on her butt. She was talking about it with a friend, saying, "It's pretty cool, except every time I fart, Quebec separates."

2006-11-28 15:35:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in? "Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do."
God then turns to Bill Gates who was staring at him idignantly. God asked,"whats your problem Bill Gates." Bill responded,"I think your sitting in my chair."

2006-11-28 15:19:55 · 9 answers · asked by happyclown5769 2