Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

When you've finished with the leg and breast, you've still got a greasy box to put yer bone in.

2006-11-29 00:01:41 · 30 answers · asked by f**kwit 1

[To Tampa with the kids!]

2006-11-28 23:58:41 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were captured by cannibals and were told that they were going to eat them unless they went into the forest and came back with 10 fruits of the same kind and stick it up their butts without making any sound.

The first one came back with 10 apples.. Started sticking them up his butt. The first apple went in but on the second apple he said "Ow.." So he was killed and eaten..

The second one arrived with 10 little berries. He started sticking them up his butt too.. But on the 10th berry he burst out laughin.. So he was also killed and eaten..

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "You were doing real good, why did you laugh?!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it.. I saw the other guy coming back with pineapples!"

2006-11-28 23:58:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you bang your load into a washing machine it doesn't follow you around for a week ;0)

2006-11-28 23:55:36 · 22 answers · asked by f**kwit 1

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level.
He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later.
The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, & wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

2006-11-28 23:45:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a ‘hearse’ (Car used to transport coffins) slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog & then about 100 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse & asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened ?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied,
"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man,
"Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line!"

2006-11-28 23:30:29 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-28 23:28:31 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

AIDS does it really stand Anal Injected Death Sentence

2006-11-28 23:15:17 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea
all round you, you are in continent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy
age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister
has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7)

2006-11-28 23:12:16 · 12 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

2006-11-28 23:01:30 · 10 answers · asked by craziemess 1

2006-11-28 22:51:00 · 11 answers · asked by Aisha 1

2006-11-28 22:39:16 · 25 answers · asked by Jenna 3

I got a violation for this yesterday. Incomprehensible it said.

2006-11-28 22:29:37 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all, while the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the successful fisherman repeats.

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly,

"You've got to keep your worms warm."

2006-11-28 22:27:22 · 5 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

2006-11-28 22:19:35 · 8 answers · asked by bellapochbex 1

... it's been buggin' me for days now!

2006-11-28 22:10:44 · 17 answers · asked by Tipsy Dipsy 2

Three men died and were standing at the Pearly Gates. First goes up to St. Peter and Peter says, I am St. Peter you cannot lie to St. Peter, have you ever cheated on your wife? He says no never. So Peter says very well you may enter. You get a limo and a mansion. Second comes up. Peter says the same thing. The man says, yes, I cheated on my wife 1 time. Peter says very well you may enter. You get a Kia and a house. Third come up. Peter asks him the same thing. He says, yes, I have cheated on my wife, many, many, many, many times. Peter says very well you may enter. You get a bike and an apartment. The second man was driving down the golden streets and saw the third man sitting on the curb looking sad. So he pulls over and asks, why are you sad you got into heaven. Third man says. I saw my wife. She was on roller skates!

2006-11-28 21:25:13 · 9 answers · asked by Roll'n Bluntz 2

http://www.starterupsteve.com/video/houselights.html

2006-11-28 21:23:10 · 5 answers · asked by happyclown5769 2

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

2006-11-28 21:07:56 · 9 answers · asked by happyclown5769 2

he got caught with peat up his ars.e

2006-11-28 21:05:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

he keeps flying round

wait for it



uranus

2006-11-28 21:03:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men got stranded on an island inhabited by cannibles. All three men were captured and brought to the Chief. He said if you want to become one of us you must complete two tasks. First go and pick 10 pieces of fruit and bring them back to me and I'll give you you next task. So they all went out. One came back and he was carrying 10 apples. So he brought them to the Chief. So the Chief says now I want you to stick all 10 apples up your butt without making a sound or face. If you don't do it we will kill you, cook you and eat you. So the man sticks one up there. Nothing. The second. Nothing. The third. AAAAHHH! So they kill him, cook him and eat him. The second guy comes he's got 10 berries. Chief explains to him the rules. So he sticks 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8..HaHaHa! So they kill him, cook hi and eat him. The first two are in heaven and the first says you had 2 more to go. Why did you laugh. And he says I saw the other guy coming, he had 10 pineapples.

2006-11-28 21:02:21 · 9 answers · asked by Roll'n Bluntz 2

a judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. have i not seen you here many times already and did i not tell you i never want to seeyou in here again

yes your honour the offender replied
thats exactly what i told the police officer
but he insisted i come in anyway

2006-11-28 20:58:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do convicts on death row who are killed by injection have to have steralised needle?

2006-11-28 20:54:41 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everytime he passes the receptionist he stands right next to her and inhales a lung full of air saying "as always, your hair smell lovely this morning". After a few weeks of the same routine, Jane the receptionist starts to get really pissed off and decides to complain to the HR department and file a law suit for sexual harrassment, the senior HR officer says that just because a man passes you a compliment on how your hair smells nice does not constitute sexual harrassment to which Jane replies "it does when the person doing the smelling is a dwarf".

2006-11-28 20:52:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

HYPOTHERMIA.

2006-11-28 20:41:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The last two attempts by the Irish at a moon shot have failed. The first one because the stick on the rocket broke and the next attempt the bottle fell over !!!!

2006-11-28 20:36:37 · 15 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-11-28 20:28:42 · 1 answers · asked by Louise L 2

Lord Fartquar was laying in the bath one day when his manservant knocks on the door and walks in carrying a hot water bottle. Lord Fartquar asks his servant, Widdle, what the hell have you brought a hot water bottle for. The manservant repies I distinctly heard you call out " What about a water bottle Widdle" to which lord Fartquar says you silly man I just Farted in the bath.

2006-11-28 20:09:39 · 17 answers · asked by sam h 1

When your knees are fatter than your legs start eating cakes.

2006-11-28 20:08:00 · 19 answers · asked by JillPinky 7