Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Little Johny went to class one day, and the whole class was working, when suddenly the teacher says

"if you are stupid stand up"

no one stands up untill suddenly little johny stands.

the teacher says

"Little Johny you think your stupid?"

he replies by saying

"no but i didn't want you to be the only one standing their alone!"

2006-11-28 11:57:12 · 23 answers · asked by [blahh] ™ 5

3 guys get trapped on an island with a canibal. The canibal tells them to brong him ten of any fruit. The first guy brings apples. The cannibal tells the guy to shove the apples up his butt. The guy does so but quits after the first one.The canibal eats him The second comes with blackberries. He shoves 1....2....3....4...5...6...7...8...9.. and then bursts into laughter and farts them all out. He too gets eaten. In heaven the two eaten meet. The first guy asks the second, " YOU WERE ABOUT TO BE FREE WHY DID YOU LAGH?" The second answers," AS I WAS SHOVING UP THE LAST BLUEBERRY, I SAW THE THIRD GUY COMING BACK WITH 10 PINEAPPLES"

2006-11-28 11:53:43 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hunter was tracking a bear. The bear was always two hills ahead of him and would turn around at the top of the hill to look back.
This disgusted the hunter so that he waved his arm “Dammit, bear come here. Dammit, stop going on!”
Same thing the next hill, he waves his rm ”Dammit, bear come here!” And the next one.
Trecking up the next hill, suddenly the bear comes over the top in a full run.
The hunter is so startled he drops his gun and can’t run before the bear grabs him in a big hug, squeezing him tighter and tighter.
Instantly the hunter realizes what he must do.
He masturbates the bear, and the bear lets go toppling over backwards.
This time the hunter runs like hell and only looks back after going two hills. The bear is still where the hunter left him, looking at him and waving his arm.

2006-11-28 11:52:58 · 8 answers · asked by Everyman 3

What did one paedphile say to the other????

2006-11-28 11:52:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond on Boston Common when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Bruins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Bruins fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in Boston, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter and starts again. “Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not a Red Sox fan either,” the boy said. “I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or Red Sox. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.

“I’m a Yankees fan,” the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

2006-11-28 11:51:20 · 5 answers · asked by babegirl 1

Waz crackin?

Hey imagine a chair. Then put shoes on it. Then imagine it walking around a laughing happily. Isn't that funny!

2006-11-28 11:40:06 · 13 answers · asked by adamjj48 1

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."

Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."

Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran that stop sign back there!"

Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference?"

The police officer pulled out his night-stick and began whacking the man over
the head and shoulders. Bang! Bang! Whomp! Bang!

Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down, or stop!!!?

2006-11-28 11:39:59 · 13 answers · asked by babegirl 1

a man gives blood,to save his wife,later they split up he says gimme my blood black *****, she throws him a tampon and says : ill pay you back monthly u B*****D.....

2006-11-28 11:39:45 · 17 answers · asked by madmarie35 3

can anyone out there, please tell me...have they been in, FIRE, NIGHT CLUB in london..if so, could you please tell me. how many chill-out rooms it has. also what colour they are..what kind of music it tends to have, on a saturday night.. i realise this sounds a bizarre thing to ask, but there is a reason behind it...thanks for any help given.

2006-11-28 11:35:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

So they can hide in apple trees.
Don't believe it? Have you ever seen an elephant in an apple tree?

2006-11-28 11:35:13 · 3 answers · asked by Everyman 3

How do you know when a blonde has been on your PC?
There's Tippex on the screen

Why are blondes not allowed out of work at lunchtime?
Coz it takes too long to re-train them

2006-11-28 11:33:51 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma. "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

2006-11-28 11:33:36 · 10 answers · asked by babegirl 1

2006-11-28 11:33:01 · 9 answers · asked by Tights Face 2

post every single blonde joke you know, best answer will be awarded to the ones that make me most laugh and who has the most, alright, lets get it on...

2006-11-28 11:32:48 · 16 answers · asked by Guitr Playrrr 2

Whats up? Here's a joke for ya-

Ok, three robbers enter a house. The police come. One of
them says to hide. One hides behind a couch, one hides behind a chair, and one hides in a sack of potatoes. The cops come in and one says "meowww" another says "ruff" and the last one says "sack of potatoes!!!"

2006-11-28 11:31:49 · 31 answers · asked by adamjj48 1

Just for a laugh i would like to see you give a good answer for that one. Now there's some good brain exercise for ya! Have fun!

2006-11-28 11:29:49 · 4 answers · asked by Lady_Crimsyn1986 3

got ya there i think the egg cuz it came from another bird thing anyway what came 1st egg or chicken

2006-11-28 11:22:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Heres a joke for ya-

A man was walking and saw an elephant with his foot up. He went over to see and looked underthe foot to find a thorn in the foot. He scraped it out and the elephant stomped away.

Years later the man went to a zoo with his son. He saw the elephant cage and decided to take a look. He noticed an elephant was holding his foot up. So the man climbed over the fence and went to see the elephant.
The elephant grabbed him with his trunk and swung him into the fence repeatedly, killing him.

2006-11-28 11:21:20 · 46 answers · asked by adamjj48 1

2006-11-28 11:16:47 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

but the bouncer wont let him in. " you have to wear a tie " "But iv'e come from the other side of town" said the man".Tie or no entry" said the bouncer
so the man goes to his car to find something that he could use as a tie.
All he can find are the jump leads so he fixes them around his neck and off he goes.
The bouncer lets him in this time but warns him " Hey i am watching you, dont start anything"

2006-11-28 11:04:04 · 12 answers · asked by chris w. 7

from the cnn website, these have been been voted the best jokes from different countries, tell me what you think.
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Top joke in the United States
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight ..."

Top joke in Belgium
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

2006-11-28 10:54:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress,
Tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,Tension
Is when girlfriend is pregnant,
And Panic is when both are pregnant.

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
Bcoz people started licking the wrong side.

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this right time we shud talk ABT sex.
Daughter: Sure mom, tell me wat U want to know.
Mom:##??!!

Friend to sardar: Why are U going for a birth control surgery for the ninth time?
Sardar: Wat to do yaar, my wife still keep getting pregnant.

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs??
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

2006-11-28 10:53:43 · 7 answers · asked by mmcnb1987 1

Why doesn't Hungary just eat Turkey?

2006-11-28 10:46:44 · 19 answers · asked by people are scum 4

my mans penis is called "the single barrel one shot porridge cannon" or when he's feeling moody "the purple headed warrior" can anyone better this?!!!

2006-11-28 10:39:28 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

2006-11-28 10:39:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

had been married 50 years and had gone away to a hotel for the night.
"Darling do you see what i'm wearing" said the wife.
"yes your wearing the negligee your wore on our honeymoon"
"and do you remember what you said to me that night" she said
"Yes i said i would suck the life outta those wonderful boobies and then s.crew your brains out"
"yes "she said" and what do you say tonight"?

Mission accomplished.

2006-11-28 10:34:50 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy
yells to the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathly
silence
transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to
him
says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The
bartender
is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a
black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde
and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a
pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell
that
joke?"
The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times."

2006-11-28 10:32:17 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

ive just had this joke off thee cnn website, its been voted the best joke in the world, tell me what you think?

here it is.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

2006-11-28 10:31:21 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."

2006-11-28 10:26:55 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have A Break ,Have A **** Cat

2006-11-28 10:24:24 · 15 answers · asked by flybnite2003 2