Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Pharmacist: May I help you sir?
Client: Yes… I, uh..well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I’m going out on a date tonight,
and you know, I need some…ummm.....
Pharmacist: You need some protection.
Client: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, Medium, or large?
Client: Uhhh. Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that’ll be $2.35 including tax.
Client: Tacks!! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

2006-11-28 06:57:17 · 9 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure," says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"

2006-11-28 06:54:00 · 13 answers · asked by Bella 2

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly."How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

2006-11-28 06:49:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.
"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ***."

I Found This At comedycentral.com they have a bunch of jokes that are funnier

2006-11-28 06:46:13 · 11 answers · asked by sk8ter_girl_of07 2

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-------------------------------------------
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it "I do not"

2006-11-28 06:44:08 · 19 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

A man goes into a restaurant. A beautiful waitress comes over to serve him and asks what he would like. He says, “I want a quickie.” She slaps him and says, “Just give me your order, mister!” The man says, “I want a quickie!” She slaps him again. “Last chance,” “What do you want?” The man insists, “Look, I really, really want a quickie!”
Another customer leans over and says, “I believe that’s pronounced quiche.”

2006-11-28 06:42:27 · 15 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

every1 has done something bad when drunk so go on make me and the others watchin laugh ;)

2006-11-28 06:42:08 · 30 answers · asked by saul2slash 2

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks. "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment". So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her ****?" Mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's ****, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

2006-11-28 06:40:40 · 7 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

2006-11-28 06:39:48 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man calls his house from work to speak with his wife about how the new maid was working out. The maid answered the phone & impressed with her courtious manners, he identified himself as the husband of the house & asked to speak with his wife. Sounding puzzled, the maid said "but he is here already in the bedroom with his wife". Angered, realiziling that his wife was having an affair, he tells the maid, "do you want to make $10,000 today?"

Curiously, she says "How?"

"Go to the den & get my gun & shoot them both!" he barks at her.

Eager for the money, she sets the phone down & does as instructed. Upon her return to the phone, she asks, "ok, what now?"

He tells her to put both bodies in the pool & just leave the house. She goes and comes back a few moments later, to say, "You dont have a pool!"

The man pauses & asks, "is this 555-.....?"

2006-11-28 06:38:48 · 7 answers · asked by ricks 5

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.......
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken" says the coroner.

2006-11-28 06:35:30 · 7 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

heres the riddle:

ur walking and then u come to a tree. to the left of it,theres a path and theres also another path to the right of it. they are the roads of life. one path leads to fame and fortune and the other leads to a certain death but u dont no which is which. the tree is in the middle. then u see 2 gnomes that live in the tree. they look exactly the same but if they leave the tree they'll die. one gnome ALWAYS tells the truth and the other ALWAYS lies. but u dont no which is which. u have to decide which road to take. u can ask ONLY ONE gnome ONLY ONE question. wat u need to do is figure out which question ur goin to ask one of them. this was pretty hard for me. good luck (you'll probably need it).

2006-11-28 06:34:52 · 15 answers · asked by NoBody 4

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he Takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

2006-11-28 06:34:50 · 7 answers · asked by Kim 3

A black guy and a white man were sitting in the park.

The white man had a pet monkey and a black guy was selling bananas. So the black guy said "Mr. can u look after my bananas I am going to the toilet".

"Oh yes go ahead" said the white guy.

When the black guy came back there were no more bananas and he goes mad,"where are my bananas?"

The white guy says "ask your brother", pointing at his monkey. The black guy just chilled. Then the white guy said few seconds later, 'can u look after your brother I am going to the toilet.

The black guy says, OK.
When the white guy came back the monkey was dead and he went mad Asking "what happened to my monkey?" The black dude says "Mr. don't get Involved it's a family matter!!!"

2006-11-28 06:33:53 · 10 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

A man gets on a plane and goes to his seat. Seated next to him is a large parrot. The plain taxis down the runway and soars into the air.

As the stewardess walks buy the bird shouts out “Hey you &%&*$, bring me a double scotch and make it snappy”! The stewardess scampers off and quickly returns with the birds drink, sets it down and walks off ignoring the man.

Soon, the bird starts screaming, “Hey, &$^%&*, get you &$$ over here and bring me another drink”! The stewardess, red faced runs to the galley and with in seconds runs back with yet another drink. She completely ignores the man and walks away.

The man, now feeling left out, shouts at the top of his lungs “Stewardess, you (&*^%, Bring me a #%^$^ drink and make it quick, you dumb &^%(“!

With in seconds three burley men approach the man, yank him and the bird out of their seats, drag them to the door, open it and throw them both out.

As the man is falling to the ground, the parrot flies up to him and says, “Dude, you sure are a cocky SOB for someone with out wings’!!!!!

2006-11-28 06:15:53 · 9 answers · asked by Dog Lover 7

2006-11-28 06:14:41 · 10 answers · asked by lynda m 1

I think it was Adam.
Who else would sit next to naked woman and chew apples.
Who is according to U??

2006-11-28 06:14:26 · 9 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

let me first warn you this is a bad joke, SO DON'T REPORT ME.
.........
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, he then gave him a pocket knife, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

2006-11-28 06:09:46 · 13 answers · asked by mr. fancy pants 3

it is dirty, so read at your own risk!!!
.....
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

2006-11-28 06:00:50 · 13 answers · asked by mr. fancy pants 3

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is an intruder in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

2006-11-28 05:59:56 · 15 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

In a town of nowhere, there are groups of bats that live in a cave on the mountain. For many days they have been short of blood supply for them to survive, so the bats are exhausted.

One night, a bat came back to the cave with fresh blood on his mouth. Other bats ask him with eager where did he get the blood. Under the pressure of other bats, the bat with blood says "Alright! follow me." He flies out the cave followed by many other bats.

As they approach a huge old dying tree, the bat with blood says "Do you guys see that tree?"

"Yes!, yes! we see the tree..", the other bats respond.

Then the bat with blood says "Great, I didn't see it.."

2006-11-28 05:51:28 · 28 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

in the book buckminster's son and lizzi bright or somethin like that he keeps sayin he's goin to light out for the territories...do u kno what he means...it takes place in maine i think

2006-11-28 05:49:21 · 4 answers · asked by XxNew york eyesxX 3

hi im gonna drink , an play guitar, its my night off so i start early, what shiuld i drink, liqor or beer? sup yo shout out

2006-11-28 05:44:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.

2006-11-28 05:34:44 · 15 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

This a story i stumbled upon while going through my RSS feed. What do U think?
he Story....
A guy lost his girlfriend in a train accident....

but the gal's name nowhere appeared in the dead list. This guy

grew up n became IT technical architect in his late 20?s, achievement
in itself!!.

He hired developers from the whole globe and plan to make a

software where he could search for his gf through the web..

Things went as planned...

n he found her, after losing millions of dollars and 3 long years!!

It was time to shut down the search operation, when the CEO of Google
had a

word with this guy n took over this application,

This Software made a whopping 1 billion dollars profit in its first
year,

which we today know as ORKUT .




The guy's name is ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN . Yes its named after him only.
Today he

is paid a hefty sum by Google for the things we do like scrapping. He
is

expected to b the richest person by 2009.

ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN today has 13 assistants to monitor his scrapbook & 8
to

monitor his friends-list. He gets around 20,000 friend-requests a day &

about 85,000 scraps!!!

Some other Cool Facts about this guy:

* He gets $12 from Google when every person registers to this website.

* He also gets $10 when you add somebody as a friend.

* He gets $8 when your friend's friend adds you as a friend & gets $6
if

anybody adds you as friend in the resulting chain.

* He gets $5 when you scrap somebody & $4 when somebody scraps you.

* He also gets $200 for each photograph you upload on Orkut.

* He gets $2.5 when you add your friend in the crush-list or in the
hot-list.

* He gets $2 when you become somebody's fan.

* He gets $1.5 when somebody else becomes your fan.

* He even gets $1 every time you logout of Orkut.

* He gets $0.5 every time you just change your profile-photograph.

* He also gets $0.5 every time you read your friend's scrap-book & $0.5
every time
you view your friend's friend-list.


"Moral of the story"?



LOSE U R GIRLFRIEND AND MAKE BILLIONS !!!!

2006-11-28 05:32:16 · 5 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

Why did he want to make peach cobbler in his underwear?

2006-11-28 05:32:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 prawns one called Justin other called Christian.Justin was fed up of being a prawn and one day a mystery Cod granted him one wish," I would like to be a shark said Justin". Christian swam away fearing his old friend would eat him.Time passed ( as it does) and Justin was sad and lonely and fed up with being a shark, while swimming one day he saw the mysterious Cod and asked him to change him back to a prawn.With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends house, " Justin its me come out and see me,"No No your a shark you will eat me."..said Christian


No iv'e changed, Iv'e found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian....

2006-11-28 05:28:41 · 20 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn’t back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

2006-11-28 05:22:51 · 10 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

oscillate its t i t a lot.

2006-11-28 05:20:57 · 16 answers · asked by curt stuttgart 1

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to get on medication. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I also need medication. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here for medication?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

2006-11-28 05:19:18 · 18 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6