Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

little johnny asked his Mum for a bike for his Birthday. Well she said if you have been a good boy go upstairs and write a letter to God and see if you think you deserve one.
Dear God. I have been a good boy this year and i would like a bike for my Birthday. I want a red one.
Johnny knew this wasn't true so he tore up the letter and started over.
Dear god i have been pretty good this year and i want a bike for my Birthday. i want a red one.
He knew this wasn't true either so he tore up the letter and started over. I have been an ok boy this year and i want a bike for my Birthday.
Johnny knew this wasn't true so he tore up the letter. Mum i wanna go to Church. Mum thought her plan had worked so she said, ok be back for dinner.
Johnny looked around at the alter and saw a statue of the Virgin Mary. when he was sure no one was looking he slipped it under his shirt and walked home up to his room
He sat down and wrote a note to God..................

2006-11-28 05:16:12 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

2006-11-28 05:14:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the
fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is
in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is
wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The firefighter says "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?" The little
girl says, "I'm a firefighter and this is my Fire truck!"
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that
sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter says. "Thanks, mister" says the little girl. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl had tied the wagon to the dog's testicles. "Little girl" says the firefighter "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster." The little girl says "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

2006-11-28 05:14:52 · 6 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim
naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

2006-11-28 05:09:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good morning....... have u done 2 of thae most important things when u woke up today???? 1) pray , so that u may live long 2) take a bath so that other can live long.......
--------
why do donkey eat grass? .....?? ......???? ...........???????? oooooooppppsssss!!!! i`m sorry. it`s ur personal matter
-----
My nights r becoming sleepless, my dreams r becoming hopeless, i asked GOD is it love.....? GOD said, no..... . . . . . exams r near!
-------
When words are not enough.... To express your feelings.... Dont think you`re in LOVE.... You just need to join... ENGLISH SPEAKING COURSE
-------
Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother. Yes, but be aware, pay attention during the applause
------
Sometime my mind asks why I miss you? Why I care for you? Why I remember you? Then my heart answers it`s simply because mental patient needs more care
-----

a few more coming up

2006-11-28 05:04:57 · 3 answers · asked by Sohaib ahmad 1

Once upon a time a starving man named Harry Enis was walking in the middle of a Chinese forest when he stumbled upon a huge mansion. It was close to nightfall and he had no where to stay, no food, and nothing to make camp; so he walked up to the mansion and rang the doorbell. A very ancient man with a long beard brushing the floor answered the loud, clanging gong. Harry begged for a place of shelter, and the old man pitied him and let him stay. At dinner the old man introduced Harry to his daughter, Naomi. She was the meaning of beauty, and Harry instantly fell for her - mostly because he hadn't done it in a while, due to his disposition of starving and homeless in a forest. - ANYWAY - The old man saw Harry eyeing his daughter and said to him, "If you touch my daughter, I will subject to you the three worst Chinese tortures." That night Harry snuck out of his room and into Naomi's. Having been cooped up in this old mansion for so long, she had no objections.

2006-11-28 05:02:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the d ealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.

`But I think I know where I`m going wrong,` said Santa, `I think I`m planting them too deep.`
-----
One day two friends are bragging.
1st friend: My father has great eyes site like eagle, he is very
clever as fox, very brave like the Lion...
2nd friend: This means that I need to buy a ticket to the
Zoo to meet your Father??
-----
Bagga: 'My girlfriend says that if I don't give up cricket she'll leave me.'
Jagga: 'Oh! that's very tough, Right friend?'
Bagga: 'Yeah, I'm going to miss her'.
------
Hi sweetheart, Doing nothing? Then make aplace 4 me in ur Heart! I may come there any time! Ur`s faithfully "HEART ATTACK!
----

more coming up...

2006-11-28 05:01:53 · 5 answers · asked by Sohaib ahmad 1

Went to the barbers today,said to him "how much a haircut" he said"£10 i said"how much a shave," he said"£4 "so i said"well shave my head"................. keep smiling

2006-11-28 04:53:32 · 13 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

I recentlt visited a friend of mine who was spending some time as a patient in a mental institution.
On arrival Isaw my friend and a nurse entering the bathroom.The nurse was carrying a bucket and a teacup.
I noticed that the bath (tub for our American readers) was full to the brim with cold water.
What's going on I enquired.
"It's a test we often carry-out" said the nurse; He then told my friend to empty the water from the bath.And passed him the cup and the bucket.
My friend proceeded to use the cup to empty the bath water,then poured the water from the cup into the bucket.
The nurse then turned to me and asked me what I thought.
I told him that the easiest way would be touse the bucket rather than the cupand then to empty the water from the bucket down the toilet.

I'm sure we can find a place for you in here" he said,
"A sane person woud simply unplug the bath!!!!

2006-11-28 04:51:49 · 16 answers · asked by mickeok 1

'Cos he's got little legs.

Yeah, I know I've told it before, but it's so lame it still gives me the giggles. :)

2006-11-28 04:47:57 · 22 answers · asked by The Mad Shillelagh 6

An Antartian woman came into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then she started to yell, "Yeah!" "Yeah!" Then five more Antartians came in and started to do the same thing. Then three more Antartians came in and one of them had a Barney puzzle. The bartender asked one of them, "Why are you yelling 'yeah yeah!'?" Then one responded, "We did this puzzle in three hours and it says 2-3 years."

2006-11-28 04:38:42 · 10 answers · asked by anitha 4

The queen doing the hokey cokey.

2006-11-28 04:29:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a daddy bull eats 3 bails of hay and a baby bull eats 1 bail of hay, how much does a mama bull eat?

what is more powerful than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you'll die.

there are 15 birds on a fence, you shoot one off, how many birds are left?

anybody who can answer all of these gets 10 points for best answer. good luck!!!

2006-11-28 04:24:43 · 13 answers · asked by juz me, deal with it 1

I said to her why don't you try rubbing a piece of toilet paper between your boobs,once in the morning then again at night for a week."what good will that do"she said,"well its worked for your ar se" i replied.........!!!!!

2006-11-28 04:24:11 · 14 answers · asked by ? 4

A man and his wife went on a holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband he could have her shipped home for $5000 or have her buried here, in the holy land for $150. The man thought about it then said he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked the man "why would you spend $5000 having your wife shipped home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and it would only cost $150.
The man replied "long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk."

2006-11-28 04:22:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because his wife died.

2006-11-28 04:18:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

retort from the late Spike Milligan? You have a face madam like a dogs bum wearing an hat. !!!!!!!!!

2006-11-28 04:16:52 · 5 answers · asked by Shredder 6

If all brides are beutiful...WHERE DO ALL THE UGLY HOUSEWIVES COME FROM....!!!!!!

2006-11-28 04:02:21 · 18 answers · asked by ? 4

A girl wanted to increase her breast size, so she went to Dr warbler a specialist in this sort of field.
He instructed here so swing her arms from side to side and recite this...
"mary had a little lamb,its fleece was white as snow,if i do this everyday,my bust will surely grow"
After a few weeks,she noticed great inprovement.
One morning she was running late for her bus to go to work.
She rushes and gets to the stop a minute or so early.
She then remembers that in her rush she didn`t do her excercise.
She looks around and sees the coast is clear,so she quickly did her exercise.
A guy gets to the bus stop and asks,"you`re being treated by dr warbler aren`t you?" sheepishly the girl says "yes but how did you know?"
The guy starts thrusting his hips backwards and forwards and starts singing "Hickory Dickory dock....."

sorry if you`ve heard it before!!!

2006-11-28 04:00:54 · 40 answers · asked by HOOPS 7

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, " The sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, " And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, " I think he said: ' Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!"

2006-11-28 03:58:40 · 3 answers · asked by eeyoree rocks2003 7

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow
near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yon castle
with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy
doing so ."

That night,
on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't fcuking think so!!!

2006-11-28 03:50:18 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.

The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself."

So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to come, so he fired the pistol.

The next day, he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went.

He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my di*ck, shi*t in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

2006-11-28 03:37:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-28 03:31:07 · 7 answers · asked by Cool M 1

2006-11-28 03:30:30 · 6 answers · asked by Cool M 1

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..." I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

2006-11-28 03:23:37 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One wipes herself on her knickers and the other on a wreath.The two husbands were in the pub the next day,the first man says"i'd better watch my wife she came home last night with no knickers on".The other one says thats nothing mine had i card wedged up her bum sayimg "we'll never forget you..from all the boys at the fire station..................!!

2006-11-28 03:17:05 · 17 answers · asked by ? 4

2006-11-28 03:08:25 · 4 answers · asked by MARY J 1

2006-11-28 03:08:19 · 8 answers · asked by specs appeal 4

He went back to Wan Kin

2006-11-28 02:59:51 · 8 answers · asked by murphy51024 4

One day FBI takes 3 agents to make them a test. In the test they mustn't say the things that they know.

Then first day they take first agent to make him speak. They make torture to him. So after 10 days he tells everything.

Second day they take second agent. They make torture to him too. So 20 days later he tells everything too.

Third day they take the last agent. They make torture to him too. 10 days later - he doesn't speak, 20 days later - he doesn't speak, 30 days later, he doesn't speak - 40 days later he doesn't speak.

FBI is very surprised for this. So they close the man into a small room. Next they they look into the room and they see the man while he is hitting his head on the wall. And he is saying :

- What was it!? What was it!? What was it!?

2006-11-28 02:58:22 · 7 answers · asked by Irmak 7