Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes. What else?

I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

2006-11-29 02:57:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

to get you started i have many:
...walking into a glass door - twice in the same day
...throwing up out of my boyfriends window
...asking my 60 year old teacher what "frig" meant n sitting down with him for about 20 minutes whilest he described it
...smacking myself in the face with a 10 foot rope - infrount of bout 50 people
you get the gist! now tel me yours!!!!

2006-11-29 02:52:12 · 15 answers · asked by katie-pie 2

He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.There was then a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices: I either maul you to death or we have sex" Frank decided to bend over.

Even though he was sore for two weeks, he soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip. He found that black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a giant grizzly bear. The grizzly bear said: "That was a huge mistake, you've got two choices: I either maul you to death or we have rough sex" Again, Frank thought that it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before he recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found that grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge. There was then a tap on his shoulder. He turned

around to see a huge polar bear. The polar bear said: " Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting do you?"

2006-11-29 02:47:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-29 02:46:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and

nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,

four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him

a partial sponge bath."Nurse", he mumbles,

from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't

know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body

and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,

are my testicles black?" Concerned that he

may elevate his vitals from worry about his

testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment

and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one

hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and

moving them around. Then, she takes a close

look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at

her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.

That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......



"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

2006-11-29 02:44:49 · 11 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around, scratching his
crotch, and not paying attention. She went back
to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what
he should do about it. He did it and returned to his
class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back
of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting
at his desk with his weenie hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick
it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from
school."

2006-11-29 02:23:53 · 9 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5

NO IDEA

2006-11-29 02:18:19 · 6 answers · asked by rhijoa 2

Butt Pirates.

2006-11-29 02:16:10 · 15 answers · asked by Roll'n Bluntz 2

2006-11-29 02:14:06 · 6 answers · asked by imahlah 6

And what are they listening to?

2006-11-29 02:14:03 · 8 answers · asked by aka.rene 5

huh tell me i know you know the answer...???

i kno u kno it yeah so answer it!!...

2006-11-29 02:02:26 · 5 answers · asked by basketbabe1013 1

who was so dumb all the other blondes noticed.....

2006-11-29 02:02:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brain and a turd walk into a pub and ask for 2pints of lager and 2 whiskey chasers."I'm not serving you "said the barman,"why not"said the brain.
Well look at you,your out of your head and your mate is steaming....!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-29 01:50:25 · 15 answers · asked by ? 4

once there on there back there both fuckd!!!

2006-11-29 01:48:18 · 12 answers · asked by Metal up ur ass 2

my answer wud be ' a pregnant woman getting on a bus and paying for two haha.. but for fun wat can u come up with

2006-11-29 01:36:37 · 9 answers · asked by вяεηδа™ 2

2006-11-29 01:19:10 · 12 answers · asked by Heather 1

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon
for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new
procedure called "The Knob."
This small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's
head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to
produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.
Of course the woman wanted "the Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the
surgeon with 2 problems.
"All these years everything had been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and
I've loved the results. But now, I have developed
two annoying problems. First of all I have got these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get
rid of them "
The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't
bags, those are your breasts."
She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the
goatee."

2006-11-29 01:17:47 · 8 answers · asked by biggsy 1

SING IT GIRLS!!! To the tune of I Will Survive!!!

>>> At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
>>> When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
>>> But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That
>>> I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...
>>> But there you are, another lie,
>>> I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
>>> I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
>>> Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
>>> jeans!

>>> Go on now - go, ! Walk out the door,
>>> Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
>>> Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
>>> Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
>>>
>>> [Chorus]
>>>
>>> I will survive! I will survive!
>>> Cuz as long as I have batteries,
>>> My sex life's gonna thrive!
>>> I will always have good sex,
>>> with a handful of latex!
>>> I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
>>>
>>> It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
>>> When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
>>> But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
>>> Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
>>>
>>> [Chorus]
>>>
>>> I will survive! I will survive!
>>> Cuz as long as I have batteries,
>>> My sex life's gonna thrive!
>>> I will always have good sex,
>>> With a handful of latex!
>>> I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
>>>

SING IT GIRLS!!!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
>>> When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
>>> But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That
>>> I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...
>>> But there you are, another lie,
>>> I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
>>> I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
>>> Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
>>> jeans!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Go on now - go, ! Walk out the door,
>>> Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
>>> Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
>>> Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
>>>
>>> [Chorus]
>>>
>>> I will survive! I will survive!
>>> Cuz as long as I have batteries,
>>> My sex life's gonna thrive!
>>> I will always have good sex,
>>> with a handful of latex!
>>> I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
>>>
>>> It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
>>> When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
>>> But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
>>> Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
>>>
>>> [Chorus]
>>>
>>> I will survive! I will survive!
>>> Cuz as long as I have batteries,
>>> My sex life's gonna thrive!
>>> I will always have good sex,
>>> With a handful of latex!
>>> I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
>>>

2006-11-29 01:15:11 · 16 answers · asked by biggsy 1

can u name 10 parts of the body within 5mins thats 3 letter words only!!

2006-11-29 00:57:12 · 21 answers · asked by вяεηδа™ 2

Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of butter
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over..
23. Don't forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS

2006-11-29 00:55:24 · 6 answers · asked by lady_kiki_007 1

2006-11-29 00:44:26 · 14 answers · asked by вяεηδа™ 2

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”
A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

He replies, “No, I'm an asshole.”

2006-11-29 00:35:47 · 14 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

2006-11-29 00:33:05 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Recruiting officer walks up to him and says, Hey, what's your name son! Kid says, Dick Hertz sir. Recruiting officer says, Ooo, need an ice pack!

2006-11-29 00:27:00 · 9 answers · asked by Roll'n Bluntz 2

A farmer had a large herd of cows and 3 BULLS. Since they heard that farmer is bringing another bull they arranged a meeting.
1st bull, "Well, there's no way he's going to get any of my cows."
2nd bull agrees, "Yeah, I'm not giving up any of mine"
3rd bull who was a bit smaller says, "I don't have as many as you guys, so I'm not giving any up."
Finally, the new bull arrives. To The first three bull’s consternation, the new bull was the biggest, meanest bull (they ever seen) Upon watching him.The 1st bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I suppose it would be a good thing to give this guy some cows. I think I'll give him 20 of mine."
The second bull says, "Yeah, I guess so, I'll give him 30 of mine."
They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting, and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows too.
He says, "YES, I KNOW, I'M JUST MAKING SURE HE KNOWS I'M A BULL!"

2006-11-29 00:20:54 · 27 answers · asked by Pd 6

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was d**k.

2006-11-29 00:19:13 · 18 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

A man whose car suddenly blows a tire pulls up at the side of the road. He jacks up the car. removes the hubcap and 4 lug nuts. places the nuts in the hubcap, and removes the flat. As he is lifting the spare wheel out of the boot, however, he kicks over the hubcap and all the nuts fall into a drain The next town is several miles away. Of course. he could walk or hitchhike there to buy more lug nuts; but can you think of anything better?

2006-11-29 00:18:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

2006-11-29 00:17:57 · 20 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

Two nickles rub'n togetha!

2006-11-29 00:15:00 · 8 answers · asked by Roll'n Bluntz 2

A Postbox!!

2006-11-29 00:06:31 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous