Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A sailor has just returned from a 5 year voyage and goes to the red light distrect to get some entertainment. So he enters one of the establishments and says i want your most expensive sexy hooker you got. The huy at the desk says ok go sit down at the couch. The guy does and sees a bowl filled with tomatoes and starts eating one. The hooker comes in sees him and screems and runs away. The guy goes back and asks for another hooker. The counter guy tells him to go back to the couch and sit down shell be right out. So he goes back and starts another tomato. The hooker walks in screams and walks runs away. The guy is no pissed and is really desperate to have sex so he tells the counter guy he wants the cheepest one he says ok go sit down. He sits down eats a tomato and the hooker sees him and runs away screaming. Th guy now totally pissed goes to the counter and asks whats wrong with me all im doing is eating the tomatoes. The counter guy says those arnt tomatos there todays abortions

2006-09-22 10:06:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The number of pounds of paper that it takes to print 1 million dollars, all in 1 dollar bills.

OR

The number of Amtrak trains that leave from Grand Central Station in New York, every day.

2006-09-22 10:03:23 · 7 answers · asked by creskin 4

2006-09-22 10:00:21 · 10 answers · asked by Raptor 3

2006-09-22 09:54:18 · 23 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

2006-09-22 09:52:09 · 14 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

What do a blonde girl and a screen door have in common?
The more you bang on them the loser they get.

2006-09-22 09:52:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-22 09:48:45 · 9 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

A man asks his girlfriend if she wants to go to the football game, because he was just given these fantastic seats right down close to the field.

She explains that she doesnt know much about football, has never been to a game, but she'll try anything once, so she'll go.

They go to the game and they cheer on their team, and the whole crowd is excited.

After the game, they go home, and the man asks, What did you think? Did you enjoy yourself?

His grilfriend replies, That is the stupidest game that I have ever seen. We were so close that I could hear the players, yelling at each other. All I kept hearing was 'Get the quarterback'.
These guys are idiots. Dont they know that its only worth 25 cents.

2006-09-22 09:47:37 · 9 answers · asked by creskin 4

haha...

2006-09-22 09:46:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

a jewish man meets his non jewish friend one friday for lunch

non jew: 'so, you can't eat shellfish, anything with a split hoof or any animal that chews its cud?'

jew: 'right.'

non jew: 'well, what if a horses hooves were magically unsplit? could you eat a horse then?'

jew: 'hmm, i guess so.'

non jew: 'you mean you could eat a WHOLE horse?'

2006-09-22 09:43:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

/

2006-09-22 09:27:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am a pretty nerdy guy i guess. straight A student. love the matrix. alot of guys around here don't like me cause of my smart-*** comments so they waited till i was on the quad one night, ripped all my clothes off and ran away with them!! the next day, i was on the front page running after them from behind!! what am i gonna do now?? what if my crush Sarah sees this??? they mention me by name!

2006-09-22 09:24:23 · 5 answers · asked by irwin90134 1

I was in town today and was looking for vitimin c and saw a bottle and i swear to you it said horny goat weed.
I could'nt wait to get home and ask you all. If any one knows please tell me. thank you.

2006-09-22 09:14:16 · 12 answers · asked by ? 4

A man walks into an adult store.

I'd like to see the inflatable dolls.

Would you like the Christian version or the Muslim version?

Oh, I dont know. What's the difference?

Well the muslim version blows itself up.

2006-09-22 09:04:53 · 25 answers · asked by creskin 4

so pee wee herman takes his suit to the cleaners he says theres a stain in my suit, the guy says what? peewee says theres a stain in my suit the guy says pardon,theres a stain in my suit, the guy says come again the peewee says no its mustard this time.

2006-09-22 09:01:04 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-22 08:53:52 · 13 answers · asked by beardedredhead7 4

fist one with correct answer gets 10 points

2006-09-22 08:53:01 · 18 answers · asked by freckleface 4

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.

2006-09-22 08:44:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-22 08:43:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was once on a train and this big sized say about 9yr old boy was standing before me wid his back faced towards me. He was wearing grey colored cotton shorts that was stuck right tightly in his rear and I was soooooooooo tempted to yank it out!!! I was giggling with my fren next to me. That was hilarious and unforgettable!! Of cos I didnt do anything about it but kept fixated on the 'problem'. lol

2006-09-22 08:41:54 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he
was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor
after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an
Arab doctor who said, "Take this bucket, go into de other room, poop
in the bucket, pee on the poop, and then put your head down over the
bucket and breathe in the fumes for ten minutes." Ahkmed took the
bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the
poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back
to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong
with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."

2006-09-22 08:41:48 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

2006-09-22 08:21:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparin

2006-09-22 08:19:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-22 08:18:08 · 6 answers · asked by Amy D 2

How about Robert Reed?

2006-09-22 08:16:50 · 3 answers · asked by Naddo 3

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, “I don't care if I die, I need a drink.” The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.

Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead.”

2006-09-22 08:16:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-22 08:12:09 · 8 answers · asked by Twilighttime 1

Two lions walking through the jungle. The second lion is licking the *** of the first one which says 'what the hell are you doing? The second one says 'I just swollowed a/an -------- and want to get the taste out of my mouth'.

2006-09-22 08:10:25 · 20 answers · asked by Buck 5

a woman was about to give birth to her first child in her house, when a genie appeared. the woman and her husband stared at it in amazement. the genie said "i will give u one wish before u give birth to this baby" so the woman said "i wish all my pain would be transferred to the father of this child so he would know what its like to be pregnant" . the genie waved his hand and said "there i have granted your wish", then turned to the husband and said "feel anything?"..he replied "no" and the genie said give it some time. a minute later the mail man was on the womans front porch yelling and screaming.

2006-09-22 08:08:20 · 26 answers · asked by Ohkay 5

a good old boy, sitting on his porchas a young dude walked up carrying a notebook and pencil.
'what you selling?' he asked.
'i'm not selling, i'm a census taker'
'a what?' the local asked
'a census taker... every ten years we try to find out how many people are in the USA'
'aw, shucks,' came the reply,
'you're wasting your time with me, i have NO idea!'

2006-09-22 08:03:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous