Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

My sister heard that I LIKE MY WINE LIKE I LIKE MY WOMEN when she was about 5 years old. (1982) But never knew the punchline. I think it's Steve Martin...but I can't be sure.

Help me remember!

2006-09-22 19:44:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Why type of horse comes out to play after sunset?
A: A nightmare!

Hehe. And now, here is today's riddle:

How do you buy four suits for a dollar?

Good luck!

2006-09-22 19:31:15 · 16 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

I have a probalemwith this guy i need dome good combacks

2006-09-22 19:20:02 · 9 answers · asked by hannah b 1

Man was horrified. 'Only twenty years of normal
sex life?' but the Lord was very adamant, that
was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him
twenty years. 'But I don't need twenty years',
he protested, 'ten is plenty for me.' Man spoke
up eagerly, 'Can I have the other ten?' The
monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty
years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only
ten. Again the man spoke up, 'Can I have the
other ten?' The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty
years-but like the others,ten was sufficient and
again man pleaded, 'Can I have the other ten?'
The donkey said yes he could.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal
sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten
years of lion about it, and ten years of making
an *** of himself.

2006-09-22 19:18:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

its a sunny day, and a priest decides to walk to the pier. he greets a fisherman along the way and the two begin talking. the fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. so the fisherman says, 'well, give this a go, father.' and what do you know, the priest immediately catches a big one, a huge one in fact
'wow, look at that sonofabitch!' exclaims the fisherman in admiration

priest: 'uh, sir, can you please mind your language?'

fisherman: (a quick thinker, this one) ' I do apologize, father, but that’s what the fish is called: a sonofabitch.'

priest: 'oh, I’m sorry, I’m not normally a seafood eater, I am not aware of the terminology.'

after the trip, the priest takes his prize catch to the bishop

priest: 'look at this big sonofabitch!'

bishop (shocked): 'please, mind your language, we are in church!'

priest: 'no, its alright! that’s what the fish is called and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!'

bishop: 'oh. well, I could clean this sonofabitch and have it for dinner.’

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head mother

Bishop: ‘could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?’

Head mother: ‘goodness, what language!’

Bishop: ‘no, that’s what this fish is called, a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it.’

Head mother: ‘oh okay, I’ll cook the sonofabitch tonight.’

That night the pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it

Priest: ‘I caught the sonofabitch’

Bishop: ‘and I cleaned the sonofabitch’

Head mother: ‘and I cooked the sonofabitch’

The pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, pours a whisky, pops a cigar into his mouth, pts his feet up on the table and chuckles, ‘you know, you sonofabitches are alright!’

2006-09-22 19:08:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies." He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

2006-09-22 19:01:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

'okay, listen!' commanded Noah. 'on my ark there will be absolutely no sex. no kissing, no fondling, no nothing. now, al you males, take off your penis and hand them to my sons. I’ll give you a receipt for your penis, and once we see land I’ll return each penis to its rightful owner
after a few days Mr. rabbit hopped into his wife’s cage. 'quick!' he said in excitement. 'get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land there yet!'
Mrs. rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out at the ocean
'no sir,' she said. 'no land yet.'
'darn!' yelled Mr. rabbit. this went on every day until Mrs. rabbit got fed up with him
'what’s the matter with you? you know it will rain for forty days and nights. only after the water has drained will we b able to see land. why are acting so excited all the time?'
'look!' said Mr. rabbit with a crazy joyous look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. 'I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!'

2006-09-22 18:38:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

lol..:)

2006-09-22 18:34:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
concludes
by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an
accident."

"OH DEAR GOD!! NO!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!" His
staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the
president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks, "How many is a
Brazillion??!"

2006-09-22 18:22:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"


he he he

2006-09-22 18:20:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Organs, not hair, nails, teeth etc. first right gets BA

2006-09-22 18:11:52 · 16 answers · asked by Raptor 3

Has anyone asked Dear Abby a question and not received an answer? If so these may make you feel better.?
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
Middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
Leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

(I love this one!!)
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

2006-09-22 17:57:17 · 8 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

there was a man who had only ten days left to live. he told his family to sell all he had and trade in his money for gold and bury it with him in a suitcase, as he wanted to take it to the next world. after he had passed away, he approached St peter at the pearly gates. when St peter asked him to explain what he was doing with a suitcase, the man replied, 'I brought the most important thing to me in the world, the most valuable possession I have.'
curious, St peter asked what it was. the man excitedly opened his suitcase for him to see, and upon viewing what was inside, St peter drew a perplexed face and asked, 'pavement?'

2006-09-22 17:43:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-22 17:43:02 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-22 17:35:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-22 17:33:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

first name George midle name Herman
what name was he better known by

2006-09-22 17:31:40 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

While Superman was out flying around one day, he thought "Y'know, I'm really horny, I'm going to look for a little action". So he flew around the highrises looking for an interesting prospect, when in one window he spotted Wonder Woman lying on the bed totally naked with her eyes closed and with her legs spread. "Hmmmm," he thinks to himself. "I'm gonna get me some of that!". So he flies into the window and does his thing at superspeed and then flies back out the window a couple seconds later. Wonder Woman opens her eyes and says "What the heck was that??" And the Invisible Man says "I dunno, but my a*ss sure hurts!"

2006-09-22 17:29:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nun! Do you have one for me??

2006-09-22 17:26:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back.

Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."


Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"

Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"


Sam says, "How about rose?"

"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.


"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

2006-09-22 17:25:57 · 16 answers · asked by Woody 3

A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am."

He continues, "But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?..... Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," says the clerk.

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The Clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

2006-09-22 17:23:48 · 16 answers · asked by Woody 3

three priests, all traveling by train into the city for a religious convention, happened to be sitting in the same carriage. becoming familiar with one another, they began to confess their sins. I cant resist women,' said the first priest. 'I have succumbed to temptation time and time again.'
'I cant keep off the booze,' said the second. ;at least once a week I end up lying naked in a drunken stupor in the dining table.' the third priest was quiet
'so what’s your vice?' asked te first priest. gambling? stealing from the collection plate?'
'no,' replied the third priest. 'my sin is a bad one. I gossip, and I can hardly wait to get to that convention

2006-09-22 17:15:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your hair looks so healthy and smells so nice,
have you had any luck getting rid of the lice?
Your eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky,
how long have you had the one glass eye?
Your lips taste just like cherry wine,
they should, you drink it all the time.
Your breasts are as firm as they can be,
too bad they're only a 28 C.
Your hips are soft, supple, and pale,
But i've seen less blubber on a whale.
Your feet are small and dainty and pink,
put your shoes back on, they're starting to stink.
And in case you are thinking that we should date,
I'd rather be the victim of a prison rape.

2006-09-22 17:12:18 · 17 answers · asked by opjames 4

2006-09-22 17:11:45 · 15 answers · asked by briar_rose1080 2

its my birthday so my friends held me down, stripped me and took ALL my stuff!!! the place looks like i just moved in!! all i have is my computer!!! not even my cell!!! my friend joey who is just a friend is on his way over rite now!!! and he has a key to get in!!! wut am i gonna do?!?!?!

2006-09-22 17:11:22 · 11 answers · asked by sarah1212111 1

I have a body ,a neck,a head ,4 ears and ware a g-string
what am i

2006-09-22 17:05:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

an elderly priest visited a ranch one day to sell his horse. a farmer for years, chuck knew a good horse when he saw one and agreed to buy it. but when chuck jumped on the horse, rearing to go, it would not move an inch. 'oh sorry,' said the priest. the horse is religious. he'll only go when you say "Jesus Christ"' and will only stop when you say "amen".'
chuck thanked the priest, said 'Jesus Christ,' and was off sprinting around the countryside. after riding for only an hour they suddenly found themselves in shooting range. BANG! a gun fired right next to them, sending the horse into a galloping frenzy. as chuck was taken at full bolt through the woods he closed his eyes, trying desperately to think of the word to make it stop, finally yelling, 'amen!' the gorse skidded to a halt and when chucks heat had stopped racing, he opened up his eyes and saw that they had stopped right on the edge of a terrifying mountain chasm.
'Jesus Christ,' he said

2006-09-22 17:01:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

free pork

2006-09-22 16:43:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is the beginning of eternity and end of time. the end of all age and beginning of ever?

2006-09-22 16:41:05 · 27 answers · asked by Tigers Gal! 4

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

2006-09-22 16:36:47 · 26 answers · asked by Fat Kids Are Hard To Kidnap 4