Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-22 13:28:12 · 10 answers · asked by Hard Rocker 3

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

2006-09-22 13:17:54 · 26 answers · asked by Aimee S 2

I am fond of Philosophy--very--
But the textbook's too Weighty to carry.

I have been unable to finish this one for about twenty years. Anyone else want to have a try??

2006-09-22 12:58:26 · 10 answers · asked by Leslie D 4

a man was caught in a flash flood and had only a thin tree branch to hang onto to prevent him from being washed into the water. as the water became stronger and he began to tire, a motorboat appeared out of nowhere
'come on buddy, get in,' yelled the boatman/ 'its okay,' the man said. 'I have faith in Jesus. he will save me.' so the boat continued on and the water began to rise. when it was up to his neck another boat appeared. better get in or you’ll drown,' shouted the boatman
'no its okay,' said the man. i have faith in Jesus. he will save me.' the boatman shrugged and rowed away. by this time the water had reached the mans chin. a third boat appeared. 'this is your last chance, get in!' yelled the boatman. 'no, Jesus will save me.' the boat went off and seconds later, the man drowned
arriving in heaven he was greeted by Jesus
'hey, Jesus, I trusted in you and you let me drown! I don’t believe it!'
'neither do I. I sent three damned boats to save you.'

2006-09-22 12:40:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER
WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN.

HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT
YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"

THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS
OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS
> PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP. HE
> ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAD TOLD HIM, FINALLY
> UNDERSTOOD. THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE
> FROM HIS SECRETARY.
>
> WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN
> DID YOU SEE MY EXPEDITION PARKED IN THERE?" THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A

> MOMENT AND SAID "NO BOSS I DIDN'T, ALL I SAW WAS A MINI COOPER WITH
> 2 FLAT TIRES"

2006-09-22 12:33:48 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Steve was asked what his favourite TV show was when he was a kid. He said he loved "Thunderbirds", but "Stingray" would always have a place in his heart!!

2006-09-22 12:25:00 · 22 answers · asked by Suzanne M 1

Michelle, a school teacher, went shopping for pencils at the local general store the other day. The pencils were on sale for only 28 cents each.

However, she got it in her head that, for good luck, the total amount of money she must spend must be a number where all of the digits are the same.

With that in mind, what is the minimum number of pencils she must buy?

Good luck! ^_^

2006-09-22 12:23:55 · 7 answers · asked by Sakura X 2

Because " Mad Cow" was already taking. Lighten up, It" just a joke'

2006-09-22 12:10:50 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sarah had just finished her shower when the doorbell rang. Tiptoeing to the front door, she called, "Who is it?"

"The blind man," came a mournful voice, so she shrugged and opened the door with one hand while reaching for her purse with the other. When she turned to face the man, he was grinning from ear to ear and she saw that he was holding a large package in his arms.

"You can see!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah," he nodded happily. "And mighty pretty too. Now, where do you want I should put these blinds?"

2006-09-22 12:10:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

an elephant . rate this joke .

2006-09-22 11:59:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jeff Foxworthy had all of those southern words...such as a witchaditcha...ex)"you didn't bring Bob witchaditcha" get it...what were some of the others?

2006-09-22 11:51:48 · 10 answers · asked by neon49 3

David's father had 3 sons. Snap, Crackle, and _____. What was the name of the 3rd son?

2006-09-22 11:34:31 · 16 answers · asked by James M 1

What is it?
a) An orange smoothie
b) An Orange and a Dog
c) My gradmas slippers

2006-09-22 11:26:21 · 9 answers · asked by Book of Answers 2

Goldrush, Houston round 3, picture of breakfast??

2006-09-22 11:26:13 · 5 answers · asked by durojack 1

one day Jesus comes across an angry, stone clenching mob encircling a screaming woman. 'what’s going on?' he demands. 'she’s an adulteress,' cries a voice. 'she must be stoned to death.'
'let he who is without sin cast the first stone,' replies Jesus, staring back at the crowd. at this, they fall silent, and one by one they shuffle off, ashamed. except for one little old woman who staggers up to the adulteress with a monster of a rock in her arms. she smashes it down on the other woman, killing her instantly. Jesus lets out a huge sigh and then says, 'you know, mom, sometimes you really piss me off.'

2006-09-22 10:59:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-22 10:59:01 · 7 answers · asked by Onan the Barbarian 1

3 guys walk in a hotel to get a room. clerk says "that's $150." so each guy divies up $50. for their share of the room. later the hotel manager checks out the registry and sees that the clerk over-charged the 3 guys by $50. and tells the clerk to refund the guys the $50. so the clerk takes 5 ten's out of the register and goes to their room. on the way up the elevator he thinks; "how the hell am i gonna split $50. evenly between the 3 guys?" he decides that he'll give each guy back $10. and pocket $20. which adds up to the $50. he took from the till.
now the question to the riddle is this: if each guy got back $10. from the original $50. they each paid, that means the 3 guys paid a total of $120. for the room. $40.x3=$120. right? so if that's true, and the clerk pocketed $20. what happened to the other $10.?
This is not a trick question, & must be done to the exact decimal (so no 33.3's).

2006-09-22 10:47:08 · 10 answers · asked by filotofo 1

2006-09-22 10:37:37 · 6 answers · asked by answer faerie, V.T., A. M. 6

3 blokes walking down the street to the pub, their names are 'sh1t', 'manners' and 'mind your own business'..

Their messing around and 'sh1t' trips over bangs his head and gets unconscious, so 'manners' stays with him and the other goes and find help. He finds a policeman and explains that his friend has fallen over and needs help, the policeman asks him whats your name, guy says 'mind your own business'.. police asks again... whats your name? 'mind your own business' police gets annoyed now.. where's your manners?!

- round the corner picking up sh1t!

2006-09-22 10:35:00 · 27 answers · asked by happy soul 2

Where did Bubba Sparx buy dinner for Missy Eliot?

2006-09-22 10:33:55 · 6 answers · asked by April Ann Codon Cruz 2

one day Adam thought it was time to ask god a question or two

Adam: 'lord, why did you make eve so beautiful? her beauty baffles me.'

god: 'so you will always want to look at her.'

Adam: and why, lord, is eves skin so soft?'

god: so you will always want to touch her

Adam: 'that’s wonderful, lord. but why oh why, did you make that girl so darned stupid?'

god: 'why, that’s simple Adam. it was so she would love you.’

2006-09-22 10:33:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 guys walk in a hotel to get a room. clerk says "that's $150." so each guy divies up $50. for their share of the room. later the hotel manager checks out the registry and sees that the clerk over-charged the 3 guys by $50. and tells the clerk to refund the guys the $50. so the clerk takes 5 ten's out of the register and goes to their room. on the way up the elevator he thinks; "how the hell am i gonna split $50. evenly between the 3 guys?" he decides that he'll give each guy back $10. and pocket $20. which adds up to the $50. he took from the till.
now the question to the riddle is this: if each guy got back $10. from the original $50. they each paid, that means the 3 guys paid a total of $120. for the room. $40.x3=$120. right? so if that's true, and the clerk pocketed $20. what happened to the other $10.?


This is not a trick question, & must be done to the exact decimal, so no 33.3's.

2006-09-22 10:30:56 · 15 answers · asked by filotofo 1

wishy whisy whisy in my new blue cheer,
washy washy washy shooy,
wishy wishy wishy in my new blue cheer
washy washy washy shooy,lol the stink would not go away.

2006-09-22 10:21:27 · 16 answers · asked by ? 4

2006-09-22 10:17:04 · 30 answers · asked by bo nidle 4

A Chevy Suburban is seen traveling very fast down this curvy road with 5 lawyers inside.
The cars tires are squeeling as they round the corners.

Pretty soon the driver misses a turn and the car is about to go off the cliff.

What is wrong with this picture?












The Chevy Suburban seats 8.

2006-09-22 10:13:33 · 16 answers · asked by creskin 4

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys
his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick, it was a big eel, it had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toi

2006-09-22 10:12:46 · 11 answers · asked by kracker3977 3

Somebody told me about this today. There was a man who worked at the trade center and on 9/11 his wife called him and asked if he was okay. He replied ,confused, that he was okay and why was she asking. See he didn't know that two planes had crashed into his work. He was at his girlfriends house making out. So good news is he wasn't hurt or killed bad news is he faced divorce court the next day. Sucks Huh?

2006-09-22 10:11:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-22 10:09:46 · 33 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

Is a turtle without a shell necked or homeless?

2006-09-22 10:06:49 · 12 answers · asked by ♥femme fatale♥ 2

2006-09-22 10:06:23 · 14 answers · asked by Confused?! 4