Jokes & Riddles - July 2006

2006-07-06 22:28:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, took some money from her purse, and gladly pressed it into the young man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."


that wasn't expected now huh hehe check ya later ♥

2006-07-06 22:27:24 · 20 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A competition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing moments in people's lives.
>
>Third Place:
>It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
>home,
>but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
>girlfriend
>over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making
>love, we
>heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my
>girlfriend that I
>give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to
>miss he
>call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the
>bottom
>of the
>stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people
>yelled "SURPRISE!". My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents,
>cousins
>and all of my friends were standing there ! My girlfriend and I
>were frozen
>to the spot in a state of ! shock and embarrassment ! for what
>seemed like
>an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a
>surprise
>party

wasnt it gud?

2006-07-06 22:21:46 · 18 answers · asked by nits s 1

2006-07-06 22:20:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

If Quentin Tarantino had been brought up on mescaline rather than cheeseburgers, how might 'Pulp Fiction' have turned out?

2006-07-06 22:18:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-06 22:15:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tell them the auditions are at 3 o'clock in the morning at your own address, but tell them not to tell anyone about it, or where they are going, as the auditions are secret.

Regard their confused mammel faces.

2006-07-06 22:13:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-07-06 22:09:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

2006-07-06 22:01:39 · 15 answers · asked by perfect_demise 2

2006-07-06 21:51:07 · 20 answers · asked by gwad_is_a_myth 4

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!"

2006-07-06 21:47:19 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Gilmore♥ 5

2006-07-06 21:43:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three men, one Irishman, one
Englishman and one Welshman, and they went to the
desert.

The Irishman took a bottle of wine, the
Welshman took an umbrella and the Englishman took
a car door. Another stranger said he would give
them a camel if they told him why they were
taking the things they were carrying. The
Irishman said, "In case I get thirsty," the
Welshman said, "in case it rains," and the
Englishman said "because if it gets hot I can
wind down the window."

2006-07-06 21:36:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a rooster says co.ck a doodle doo and a blond says any cockll do

2006-07-06 21:19:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

If yournext door neighbour owns a Peacock, and it flys into your garden (yard for the Americans), and lays an egg. Who does the egg belong to?

2006-07-06 21:14:19 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a joke, please take it at that....

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

2006-07-06 21:11:40 · 27 answers · asked by Chris, Austin TX 2

It's a name.

2006-07-06 21:10:44 · 9 answers · asked by Black Eyes 2

A man and woman were on their way to get married in vegas when they die in a car wreck. They get to heaven and beg St. Peter to find them a priest or preacher to marry them. St. P leaves and is gone for several weeks. He comes back with preacher in tow. Couple is married. About a week later they come back to St. Peter and tell him that they need to be divorced becuase they think they have made big mistake with whole eternity thing and all. St. Pete throws his hands up in discust and says,"It took me weeks to find a preacher that was worthy enough to come to heaven, do you realize how long it will take me to find a LAWYER worthy enough?"

2006-07-06 21:08:59 · 27 answers · asked by simplyfabulous 4

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the
couple on
their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a
chuckle
or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current,
of
course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised
it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms
buddies
received the following note:

"DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO
KILL THE
GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!"

♥
♥
♥
♥
♥

2006-07-06 21:03:21 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A monk dies and goes to heaven. He decides that he is going to spend the next few thouand years reading every Bible in every translation since the very first scriptures.
So the bald litle dude starts to read. He's been reading for about 1 to 2 hundred years when suddenly he screams. 'NO I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. WE MADE A MISTAKE.' St.Peter and the angels rush in and ask if he's alright. 'WE MADE A MISTAKE I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. ALL THOSE YEARS AND FOR NOTHING. What's wrong asks St. P (who was a very nice chap and not at all boring,)
'WE GOT IT WRONG WHAT A WASTE. IT SAYS 'CELEBRATE.'

2006-07-06 20:59:35 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Men are like placemats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets.

They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like parking spots.

The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Men are like copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like curling irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like mini skirts.

If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

♥

2006-07-06 20:49:23 · 17 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A frencman is at a bar in New York.

A man comes and tells the bartender, “Johnnie Walker, Single” and the man’s companion says, “Jack Daniels, Single”.

The bartender approaches the frenchman and asks:

“And you sir.” He replies “Jaque Cristeau, married”

2006-07-06 20:44:26 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-07-06 20:43:50 · 24 answers · asked by Chris, Austin TX 2

An elderly parish priest became unhappy
with the things he was hearing during
Saturday confessions. After his sermon
one Sunday morning, he said to his
congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so
many people tell me in confession that
they have cheated. For thirty years,
people have been saying to me 'I have
cheated with Anthony... I have cheated
with Mary... I have cheated with
Frankie.' I am sick and tired of
hearing this word. From now on, when
you come into my confessional, you will
say 'I have fallen with Anthony, or with
Mary, or with Frankie.' No more the word
CHEAT. It will be FALL."

About a year later, the old priest
retired and was replaced by a younger
man. No one thought to tell the new
priest about the change of words in the
confessional. After hearing his first
round of Saturday confessions, the young
priest went to the mayor of the town and
said to him, "Mr. Mayor, you are going
to have to do something about the
deplorable condition of the streets and
sidewalks in this town. Everybody is
telling me they are falling all over the
place."

The mayor immediately understood the
problem, and he leaned back in his chair
and laughed.

The priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr.
Mayor, you shouldn't be laughing! Your
wife told me that just last week she
fell three times!"

2006-07-06 20:35:40 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

hehe

2006-07-06 20:29:46 · 14 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Theaufalus Thistle, the usuccessful thistle sifter,
While sifting a sieve of unsifted thistles,
Thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb,
So see that thou, while sifting a sieve of unsifted thistles,
Thrust not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.

Now post your favorite!!

2006-07-06 20:16:08 · 14 answers · asked by kutulu2003 1

There are two men riding their horses to the Gold Rush and each thinks his horse is slower than the other. They make a bet, each betting that his horse is slowest. The last horse to reach the Gold Rush wins lots of $$$. A sherriff comes along and sees the two men standing still in the middle of the road. They tell him of the bet, and he pauses to think for a moment. Then he whispers two words in their ears, and then instantly the men are off as fast as possible on the horses to reach their final destination. What did the sherriff say?

2006-07-06 20:05:29 · 5 answers · asked by Tina 1

Interviewer: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”

Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”

Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”

Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

2006-07-06 20:00:40 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Well, maybe. Ok, so here it is: The maker of it doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the person who uses it doesn't know that he/she is using it. What is 'it'?

2006-07-06 19:58:26 · 9 answers · asked by Joga Bonito 4

2006-07-06 19:57:40 · 24 answers · asked by dins 2