Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Then he went out and gave it to a bunch of strangers who each handed it back to him. What was it?

2007-12-22 00:43:28 · 9 answers · asked by charlesdclimer 5

a weekly western show in 1960's

2007-12-22 00:43:11 · 18 answers · asked by DAVID H 1

" Mummy" the little girl asked." Do all fairy tales begin with, once upon a time? " " No dear," she replied...... " sometimes they start with, " Darling, i`ll be working a bit late at the office tonight."

2007-12-22 00:42:00 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women were walking home from the pub. They decide to take a short cut through the graveyard, suddemly they need a pee. When they've done, one woman wipes herself with her knickers and throws them away, the other uses a wreath from a nearby grave. The following night their husbands are in the pub, one says "I' better watch my missus, she came home last night with no knickers on" the other man says "That's nothing, my missus had a card wedged in her *** which said, We'll never forget you, lots of love from all the lads at the fire station".

2007-12-22 00:33:03 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

*****

Oh SISTER will you please
Take me by the hand
Let me show you
Where the wisdom lies
See the fishes swimming
In the rivers and streams
This is not a place to urinate

Oh BROTHER stand by me
And see what I see
Are the colors true
What do they mean to you
See the people
With money in hand
It is not all there for you have

Oh REFLECTION on the broken glass
How can I be this thing
Looking cross-eyed at me
With cheek lines cracking
See the way it separates
As you look for
The real you

*****

2007-12-22 00:29:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.

Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five f*cking times."

2007-12-21 22:57:45 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-12-21 20:05:06 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

2007-12-21 19:17:42 · 29 answers · asked by free the weed 3

little Johnny at the match

A teacher was playing a game with her class. She said "I'm holding something behind my back. It's red and you can eat it."

A little boy puts his hand up and says, "Please Miss, is it a tomato?"

"No," replied the teacher, "It's an apple, but it shows you're thinking!"

She continued, "I'm now holding something behind my back. It's yellow and you can eat it."

A little girl puts her hand up and says, "Please Miss, is it a banana?"

"No," replied the teacher, "It's a lemon, but it shows you're thinking!"

Just then, little Johnny at the back, giggling putt's his hand up and says, " 'ere Miss, I got one for ya! I'm holding somefin' under the table. It's straight and 'ard, one inch long and got a round red bit at the end!"

The teacher says, "Johnny, don't be so vulgar!"

Johnny says, "It's a match Miss, but it shows you're thinking!"

2007-12-21 19:14:20 · 13 answers · asked by free the weed 3

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up she jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again.
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says


Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a f**king gritter!

2007-12-21 16:20:59 · 10 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

If, at a party a woman talks about a guy's small penis, her friends will cackle along like hens, but if you join in on the fun and say, yeah with a tiny member like that there's no way he'd be able to handle her cavernous vagina all hell breaks loose and cats start eating dogs.

Why the double standard?

2007-12-21 16:19:29 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1: no legs lay on one leg. two legs sat near on three legs, four legs got some.
what are no legs, 1 leg, 2 legs, 3 legs, and 4 legs respectively?

2: On four legs go i in the morning, on two do i go in the afternoon, and on three in the evening. what am i?

2007-12-21 16:15:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am about to have lunch. if you guess correct you get best answer

clue = its not an everyday thing. has milk in it

2007-12-21 15:50:06 · 12 answers · asked by allaboutme 3

When Hillary is out of town.

lol

2007-12-21 14:58:24 · 13 answers · asked by Kate 4

FIVE: two in the front, two in the back and one in the glovebox

Star if you like this one. Thanks

2007-12-21 14:50:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

THEN I TELL YOU LOL

2007-12-21 13:50:08 · 6 answers · asked by REBECCA M 2

* You can GET chocolate.

* "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

* Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

* You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

* You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

* You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

* If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

* Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

* The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

* You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

* You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

* You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

* With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

* Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

* You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

* Good chocolate is easy to find.

* You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

* You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

* When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.

* With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

2007-12-21 13:33:47 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... "I just love Baskin Robins."

2007-12-21 13:29:32 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.

"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

2007-12-21 13:27:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.."

"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

2007-12-21 13:25:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

after he took a bath. he puts on deodorant then he puts something on his face. i can't figure out what it is. but then he screams?>??? ... i feel stupid. haha.

2007-12-21 13:07:24 · 23 answers · asked by Mallori S 2

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his katana and swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. "What a feat!" said the Emperor."Samurai Number Two, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his katana and swish, swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.
"How are you going to top that, Samurai Number Three?" The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his katana and swoooooosh, flourished his katana so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.

2007-12-21 12:21:12 · 6 answers · asked by thirdfrikkingaccount 3

Please star if you think so...Thanx.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a
bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of
the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she
came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old
lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old
woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls
are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You
can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would
you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet
$25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then
said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring
my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!"
replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning
from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were
square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the
president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet
again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at
his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said
the president,"$ 25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the
hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I
bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the
Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

2007-12-21 11:50:02 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pls star if you like this one. Thx.


One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2007-12-21 11:36:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joke ...featuring Little Billy

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"...

2007-12-21 11:33:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

My co-worker/friend was complaining of her bf using her toothbrush. She said, "I told him Just because you sleep in my bed doesn't mean you can use my toothebrush!"

Fill in the blank ...funniest gets 10 points!

2007-12-21 11:20:12 · 29 answers · asked by Stiletto ♥ 6

These may sound bad but the moral at the end is a good one...

I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.

Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly,
and gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice ... I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.

And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

I squeezed it gently at first,
then a little bit harder.
There seemed to be more and more of it
I moved it towards my lips.
It was a strange and new sensation for me.
I put it in my mouth
and moved it around and around with my tongue.
The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience.

The 1st time I tasted toothpaste.

They were both round and firm.
There was only the slightest difference between the two.
I took one in my hand and twisted it hard.
I used my other hand to grab the other one
and twist it hard the other way.

Now there's a brighter light bulb in the living room.

It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers
until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands,
and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.

I hate neckties.

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

MORAL???

It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.

2007-12-21 10:55:24 · 42 answers · asked by tastybits 7

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty .... do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

2007-12-21 10:53:05 · 12 answers · asked by tastybits 7

My friend told me about this.

Jan: Took scarf back beacuse it was too tight

Febuary: Fired from pharmacy for failing to print labels, but
helllloooo! The bottles wont fit in the printer!

March: Got really excited! I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months when it said "2-3 years"

April: Trapped in escalator for hours, power went out.

May: Tried to make Kool-aid, but i got the wrong recipe. Obviosly 6 cups of water wont fit in the packages.

June: Tried to go fishing. but couldnt find a lake i could walk on.

July: Lost chest stroke in swimming, but the others cheated. They used their arms.

August: My convertable got soaked cuz it was in a rain storm, top was half down but i wanted a breeze

Sep: My friend and i got in a fight! She doesn't think the capital of California is C !

Oct: I hate M&Ms they are just too hard too peel.

Nov: Baked turkey for four and a half days, it said an hour but I weigh 108.

Dec: Couldnt dial 911! Hello do you see a eleven on the phone! So I died!

2007-12-21 10:50:50 · 21 answers · asked by Julia F 2

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11 Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

2007-12-21 10:48:17 · 23 answers · asked by tastybits 7