Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

2007-12-20 14:38:23 · 43 answers · asked by Suzy Q 2

I found this and just for the fun value of number one it's funny.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

2007-12-20 14:32:32 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshields wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the Car!"

2007-12-20 14:29:16 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just wanna ______ my _______ in your _____ and I can feel your _______


and



Why would you _______ Johnny when all he did was _____ you in your _______

2007-12-20 14:16:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar ful of money and asks the bartender whats with all the money. the bartender said "you put $10 in and have to do 3 taskes to win all the money". so the guys asks what do you have to do to get al the money. the bartender said "you have to drink a gallon of peppered tequila, then go out back behind the bar and pull out a mean old dogs tooth and go up stairs and make an old woman *** for the first time before she dies". he thinks for a minute and turns down the tasks. 10 minutes later he give the bartender $10 and chuggs the gallon of peppered tequila. then goes out back to the dog. you hear houling, growling , then you hear wimpering, then nothing at all. the guy comes back to the bartender and says " so wheres the old lady with the bad tooth"?

2007-12-20 14:01:37 · 10 answers · asked by mcrgirl09 1

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-12-20 13:50:05 · 33 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

One day three friend broke down outside a farmers home. No help could come untill in the morning so the farmer asked the guys if they would like to stay have a hot meal, and a warm bed they were welcome. There was only one rule not to touch his beautiful daughter. At 3:00am the daughter snuck into each of the guys rooms and fooled around. The next morn the farmer knew the guys had betrayed his trust so he told them to go ot into the field and pick a vegtable or he would shoot them!
The first man picks out a tomato, the farmer says ok now drop you're pants and bend over. OUCH the guy screams. Ok, next says the farmer. The second guy had a lettuce head, ok, now drop you're pants and bend over. The guy laughs as the farmer shoves the cabbage up his butt. The farmer says whats so funny boy, you like this kinda thing? No says the second man, but Frank is picking a watermelon!

2007-12-20 13:29:27 · 12 answers · asked by 420 4' LIFE 3

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request denied for the following reasons:

Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too early

2007-12-20 13:24:16 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

2007-12-20 13:20:07 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.

9 The turkey never suffers from modesty.

8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.

7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.

6. There are always at least two kinds of dessert, with or without whipped cream.

5. They give you the day off with pay to have dinner.

4. Christmas dinner is a 'sure thing.'

3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!

2. No one's feelings are hurt when you fall asleep afterward.

1. You're expected to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.

2007-12-20 13:14:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together,One night the 96 year old runs a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters " Was i getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back " I don't know, i'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was i going up or down the stairs?"
The 92 yr old is sitting at the table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I hope i never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as i see who's at the door."

2007-12-20 13:12:52 · 33 answers · asked by lasticlegs 4

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"

2007-12-20 13:10:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk"

3. The early bird still has to eat worms.

4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

9. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

2007-12-20 13:10:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

HOW TO HUNT
by Dick Cheney

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: A Travel Guide

A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

BRIDGE TRAVEL
by Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

2007-12-20 13:06:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

scientists have found the inventor of the remote control.he was found down the back of his settee.

2007-12-20 12:57:06 · 18 answers · asked by country bumpkin [sheep nurse] 7

101 - 102 = 1

2007-12-20 12:51:54 · 7 answers · asked by ? 4

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

2007-12-20 12:48:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-20 12:48:13 · 36 answers · asked by topink 6

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshields wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the Car!"

2007-12-20 12:40:00 · 16 answers · asked by poohbear 39 2

Star if ya like it......
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

2007-12-20 12:26:58 · 11 answers · asked by stayc 4

Johnny was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, store manager etc,
But johnny was being very quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out
with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little johnny
aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said johnny, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

2007-12-20 12:22:17 · 9 answers · asked by cutegir11 3

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteers be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Awesome Eh? :)

2007-12-20 12:13:26 · 18 answers · asked by poohbear 39 2

There are three female thieves, a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head. They are sneaking into a chip factory in order to steal a recipe, when all of a sudden an alarm goes off. The three girls start running away looking for a place to hide. They spot three huge bags of potatoes and they each hide behind one, the red head behind the first, the brunette behind the second, and the blonde behind the last one. A police officer searches throughout the building and eventually spots the sacks of potatoes. He goes to the first one and kicks it, the redhead says "Meow". "Oh," he says, "there must be a cat there". He goes to the second one and kicks it, the brunette says "Ruff". "Oh," he says, "It must be a dog there." He reaches the third bag and kicks it, the blonde says "Potatoes!"

2007-12-20 12:01:34 · 9 answers · asked by specialforces_bassist 3

1)Pass My Shotgun

2)Psychotic Mood Swing

3)Perpetual Munching Spree

4)Puffy Mid-Section

5)People Make me Sick

6)Provide Me with Sweets

7)Pardon My Sobbing

8)Pimples May Surface

9)Pass My Sweats

10)P*ssy Mood Syndrome

11)Pack My Stuff

& My Favorite One
12)Potential Murder Suspect

2007-12-20 11:51:59 · 16 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Ok a guy is in a bar and hes chuging down these 56 oz beers and then when hes done he jumps out a 35 flat building and comes back up. So a guy sees this and asks him how he does thar and he is given a college bound explantion how carbanation combines which your bodies liquids tthat allow you to float so he drink one of those beers and jumps off and all you here is ........... Splat! So the bartender tells the first man Your an A**hole Superman

2007-12-20 11:17:06 · 12 answers · asked by avril_is_the_hotest 2

10points

2007-12-20 10:39:26 · 48 answers · asked by madderstill 3

would it chuck all the wood the woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

2007-12-20 09:49:29 · 24 answers · asked by phuk it dude 4

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To
Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
'I do not Have a Headache;
 I do not have a headache,
 I do not have a headache.'


It Worked! The headaches are all gone.'
The husband replies, 'Well, that is wonderful.'
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
The husband agrees to try it


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He
goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into
bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes
Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With
That, He goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
'She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife...'
His funeral service will be held on Friday.

2007-12-20 09:43:11 · 18 answers · asked by Cotton C 4

That Coke ad with all the trucks comes on the tv, some mean sod drags Noddy Holder out of his retirement bed and makes him yell " It's CHRISSSSSMMASSSS! at everyone until boxing day, Roy Wood goes back to the hairdressers to have his extentions put back in and the Pogues prove once again that there are no dentists in Ireland.

2007-12-20 08:51:18 · 15 answers · asked by abraxas5597 2

Bed Sheets


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.


Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.


As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on here?"


The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I
just beat the **** out of a ghost."

2007-12-20 08:47:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous