Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
>
> HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
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> IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE,
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> MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
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>
>
> I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY,
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> WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
>
> AND TO SEE JUST WHO,
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> IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE.
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>
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> I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
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> A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
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> NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
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> NOT EVEN A TREE.
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>
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> NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
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> JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
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> ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES,
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> OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
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>
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> WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
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> AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
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> A SOBER THOUGHT,
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> CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
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>
>
> FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
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> IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
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> I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
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> ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
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>
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> THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
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> SILENT, ALONE,
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> CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR,
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> IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
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>
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> THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
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> THE ROOM IN DISORDER,
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> NOT HOW I PICTURED,
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> AN AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER.
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>
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> WAS THIS THE HERO,
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> OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
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> CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
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> THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
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>
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> I REALIZED THE FAMILIES,
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> THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
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> OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS,
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> WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
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>
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> SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
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> THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
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> AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE,
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> A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
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>
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> THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM,
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> EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
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> BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
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> LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
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>
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> I COULDN'T HELP WONDER,
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> HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
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> ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE,
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> IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
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>
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> THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT,
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> A TEAR TO MY EYE,
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> I DROPPED TO MY KNEES,
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> AND STARTED TO CRY.
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>
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> THE SOLDIER AWAKENED,
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> AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
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> "SANTA DON'T CRY,
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> THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
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>
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> I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
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> I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
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> MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
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> MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
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>
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> THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
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> AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
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> I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
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> I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
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>
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> I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
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> SO SILENT AND STILL,
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> AND WE BOTH SHIVERED,
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> FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
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>
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> I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE,
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> ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
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> THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR,
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> SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
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>
>
> THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
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> WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
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> WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
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> IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
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>
>
> ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
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> AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
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> "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
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> A ND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
>
> This poem was written by an Australian Peacekeeping soldier
> stationed overseas. The following is his request. I think it is reasonable
>

2007-12-21 10:14:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

2007-12-21 10:04:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

2007-12-21 09:53:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

2007-12-21 09:49:50 · 25 answers · asked by tastybits 7

about 2 stone

2007-12-21 09:48:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you kiss him, you are easy
If you don't, you are frigid
If you praise him, he thinks you are fake
If you don't, he thinks you are ungrateful
If you agree to all his likes, you are submissive
If you don't, you are controling
If you visit him often, he thinks you're desperate
If you don't, he thinks you're not interested
If you are well dressed, he says you are vain
If you don't, you are a dog
If you are jealous, he say's you're possessive
If you're not, then he fools around
If you attempt a romance, he say's you are cheap
If you don't, he thinks you are cold
If you are a minute late, he says you are fussy
If he is late, he says you're impatient
If you visit another man, you are fooling around
If he is visited by another woman, "oh we're just friends"
If you kiss him once in a while, he says you're too shy
If you kiss him often, he says you're too forward
If he fails to help you in crossing the street, he brings up the feminist movement
If he does, he expects to be rewarded
If you stare at another woman, he says you're jealous
If he is stared by other men, boy, you're in big trouble..
If you talk, it's always too much
If you listen, it's never enough

In short:

So complex, yet so predictable
So macho, yet so sensitive (usually to their own feelings)
So confusing, yet so funny
but most of all,
So irritating, yet so irresistible

...MEN!

2007-12-21 09:47:45 · 24 answers · asked by tastybits 7

was your cat, sitting on the sink, cleaning its teeth with your toothbrush, looking at itself into the mirror?

2007-12-21 09:42:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

My first is in cable but isn`t in call
My seconds in label but isn`t in small
My third is in Janet and also in just
My fourth is in healing but isn`t in lust
My fifth is in marvel and also in male
My sixth is in tiger and also in tale
my sevenths in pathas and also in maths
my eighth is in precious but isn`t in maths
my ninth is in sunbeam but isn`t in car
The whole thing you`ll find if you follow the star

2007-12-21 09:28:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

why does Santa have such a large sack?
-because he only comes once a year

2007-12-21 09:26:27 · 7 answers · asked by Tr4ck4Inc@ 2

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

2007-12-21 09:09:17 · 6 answers · asked by britrob20 3

a blonde goes for a pizza she chooses the pizza she would like the guy behind the counter takes the order and when it's cooked he asks "would you like that cut into 6 or 8 slices". The blonde replies "oh only six im not that hungry tonight.

2007-12-21 08:59:14 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

These are always great! I have a few myself

Hide in the clothes rack and when some random kid with glasses walks by, drag him in and say "You're a wizard, Harry!"
Take a sharpie and write on someone's back when they aren't looking
Pick your nose and wipe it on the nearest kid. Do it noticeably, too.
Pick your nose and wipe it on the nearest employee.
Throw random stuff into the next aisle over the top of the shelves.
Walk up to some random guy with his girlfriend and throw yourself into his arms yelling "Oh, Robert, I love you!"

Anyone else have any?

2007-12-21 08:44:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-21 08:44:32 · 2 answers · asked by Hani 2

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2007-12-21 07:48:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man was hunting in the woods when a bear started to chase him. the man tried to shoot him but his rifle jammed. he ran desperatly thru the woods trying to find shelter while the bear was closing in for the kill. the man finaslly came out of the woods into a clearing with no where to go. a cliff in front of him and the bear behind. if he jumped he would surely die no where to go he did what any person beliveing in God would do. he got on his knees and started praying. he said "oh lord please let this bear a christian bear, please lord just let him be a christian bear". when he opened his eyes from praying God had answered his prayers. the bear was on his knees, thanking god for the food he was about to recieve.

2007-12-21 07:29:44 · 14 answers · asked by aquila1014 2

Up and up and up you go, until you've almost got em'
You would never make it here if you were at the bottom.


Please answer it! I need the riddle to be answered! If i think your answer is the best, then it shall be!

2007-12-21 05:51:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you get if you gross a snowman and dracula? answer frostbite. any good?

2007-12-21 05:33:57 · 5 answers · asked by Phillip K 1

Today, I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

She sleepily replied, 'I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff

2007-12-21 04:58:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two terrorists go into a camping shop, one buys a new back pack and turns to the other and says "does my bomb look big in this"

2007-12-21 04:23:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What kind of pizza dose king wenceslas like? hes likes his Deep and crisp and even. Any good?

2007-12-21 04:18:46 · 3 answers · asked by Phillip K 1

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," smiled his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?"

"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

2007-12-21 04:05:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

2007-12-21 03:58:58 · 7 answers · asked by She's Back 6

2007-12-21 03:57:45 · 4 answers · asked by lizandames 2

What kind of pizza dose farther christmas like? one thats Deep pan crisp and even. Is that good?

2007-12-21 03:51:29 · 7 answers · asked by Phillip K 1

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, What is politics?

Dad says, Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny- well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, Dad, I think I understand what politics is now.

Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.

The little boy replies, Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.

2007-12-21 02:30:41 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)

2007-12-21 02:17:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sign in Zoo in Tennessee

To customers
please be safe , do not sit,climb on or lean on the zoo fences, If you fall the animals could eat you, and that would make them ill.

2007-12-21 01:13:27 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I fell, but luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

2007-12-21 01:09:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting. Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How come?


Pronounced as one letter,
And written with three,
Two letters there are,
And two only in me.
I'm double, I'm single,
I'm black, blue, and gray,
I'm read from both ends,
And the same either way.
What am I?


What seven letters did Old Mother Hubbard say when she opened her cupboard?



When can you add two to eleven and get one as the correct answer?


Tom and his younger sister were fighting. Their mother was tired of the fighting, and decided to punish them by making them stand on the same piece of newspaper in such a way that they couldn't touch each other. How did she accomplish it?

2007-12-21 00:41:27 · 23 answers · asked by Johnny the real santa 2

A husband was just coming out of anaesthesia after having surgery in the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful."

He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to beautiful?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

2007-12-21 00:02:21 · 19 answers · asked by puma 4