Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other. at about 3 in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled "unbelievable!" which woke Ed.

"whats going on?" asked Ed.
"ive got to go to the other tent and find my wife" said Ted.
"how come?" asked Ed.
"to have $ex! i just woke up with the biggest hard on ive ever had in my life?" said Ted
after a pause, Ed said "do you want me to come with you?"
"hell no!, why would i want you to do that?" said Ted.
"because thats my d*ck your holding", said Ed.

2007-12-22 11:07:47 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

$5.00 all you can drink!:)

2007-12-22 10:29:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.


Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"









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Q. Do you know the true reason for all of these blonde jokes?
A. Brunettes and redheads think they look smart making them all up!

Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes???
A. LUCKY! (She finally gets some attention!)



Q. What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes.

Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party?
A. The Invitation !

Q. Why are there so many blonde jokes?
A. Because the blondes are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights.

2007-12-22 10:05:58 · 15 answers · asked by maghadeera 2

Safety Instruction posted on the wall of a lecture theatre

" In case of fire,shout, FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! "

2007-12-22 10:02:15 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's an easy one:
What walks on 4 legs in the morning,
2 legs in the afternoon,
and 3 legs at night?
Answer given once resolved

2007-12-22 09:49:48 · 33 answers · asked by Robert D 2

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, Johnny why is that hanging out of your pants?

Johnny says, Mommy said if I can stick it out till noon, she'll come get me


STar if you liked!

2007-12-22 09:35:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******



STar if you like!

2007-12-22 09:33:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"



Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"



Star if you like!

2007-12-22 09:30:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a p.i.s.s.!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ’urinate.’

Please use the word ’urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You’re an eight, but if you had bigger t.i.t.s, you’d be a ten!!!"


Please star if you like!

2007-12-22 09:27:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Should we have another joke category which isn't funny, just so americans can understand?

2007-12-22 09:12:10 · 14 answers · asked by freelander 5

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell..


How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two. If you slice them very thinly.


What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage.


Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.


What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.


How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.


What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.


What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.


What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent
man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.

2007-12-22 09:00:02 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 7:00. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

2007-12-22 08:14:55 · 21 answers · asked by ksufan4ever 2

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired
a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all
slackers.
On a tour of the building, the CEO noticed a young man leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them
know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the man leaning against the wall
and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and
replied, "I make £125 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the man £500 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling
pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that plonker did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery boy from
Domino's."

2007-12-22 08:00:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

need sum gd jokes help!!!!!!

2007-12-22 07:41:42 · 7 answers · asked by leahhh 2

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think i'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But your so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!"

2007-12-22 06:57:07 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Hello. If the answer was either 8,760, or 525,600 or 31,536,000 what was the original figure I started with in order to arrive at either of these 3 variable answers?

10 points will go to the first person to get it right!

Good luck!

Alan L.



Alan L.

2007-12-22 06:03:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

none of these words should contain ''a'' in them. what is your answer.PLEASE NOTE THAT TIME MATTERS & IT SHOULD BE VERY VERY QUICK.

2007-12-22 05:45:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q:Ok why did john kerry want a nipple percing?
A:Cause bush got a dick chany.


1. There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the ******* potatoes!"


2. A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"


3. An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
4. If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 feet, which hits the ground first? The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.


5. An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"


6. Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"


7. Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.
So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."
He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"
To this he replies, "Small world."

2007-12-22 05:38:02 · 15 answers · asked by Kdclmn 3

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this emonstration of faith, he smiled and confided,

"The numbers are written on the ceiling."

2007-12-22 05:01:59 · 4 answers · asked by Mako 7

Teacher: "Ok, now kids, I want you to go home and get some spelling words for tommorrow's test.

Children get on the bus and go home.
One child named David, went to ask his mother who's on the phone, for a spelling word that he could share with his class the next day, Mother: "Shut up!"
so he write's down, Shut up!

David goes to his older brother who is busy playing a Superman video game, David ask's him the same question he asked his mother, Older Brother: "Superman!"
so David writes down Superman!

Next place David goes to is his sisters bedroom, she is listening to music, as David did with his other family members, he asked the same question, Older sister: "Ya ya ya!"
David writes down Ya ya ya!

David goes to school the next day and the teacher asks him, "So David, did you get any spelling words yesterday?"

David: "Shut up!"
Teacher: "Who do you think you are?!"
David:"Superman!"
Teacher:"Do you want to go to the principal's office, young man!?!"
David: "Ya ya ya!"

:D
hope you liked it.

2007-12-22 05:01:52 · 15 answers · asked by dardrv 2

Santa-Nav maybe? Ho-Ho-Ho-!

Seasons greetings to all my readers. :-)

2007-12-22 04:25:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are no Jehovah's Witnesses on Sicily. Cosa Nostra doesn't like any kind of witnesses.

2007-12-22 04:14:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

[and how many times has that been posted on yahoo answers?]

2007-12-22 03:38:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A "Wise King" devised a contest to see who would receive the Princess hand in marriage.

The Princess was put in a 50x50 foot carpeted room. Each of her four suitors were put in one corner of the room with a small box to stand on. The first one to touch the Princess hand would be the winner and become the new King.

The rules of the test were that the contestants could not walk over the carpet, cross the plane of the carpet, or hang from anything; nor could they use anything but their body and wits (i.e. no magic or telepathy, nor any items such as ladders, block and tackles, etc.).

One suitor figured out a way and married the Princess and became the new King.

How did he figure it out?

2007-12-22 02:41:29 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate


Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

2007-12-22 02:39:35 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Up on the roof top with slips and clicks
Daddy is trying his decorating tricks.

Cussing and grumblings are what I heard
while Mommy shouts, "Hey, that's a bad word."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Chorus"

"Yo, ho, ho, don't you know
every Christmas is how this goes.

Ya, ha, ha, can't you see
I still have to put up the Christmas tree."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We don't have a Chimney, and I wondered quick
how the heck will old St. Nick,

Find a way into our, house this night
the alarm will be set, to lessen our fright;

"insert or not"

Plus we live in Florida ya know,
so there ain't much chance of snow.

But I'll be up sneaking late at 3
and wait under the Christmas tree.


And yada yada yada

It's just PLAY, and FUN, no need to take the irreverent Reverend seriously.

Be well "y'all"

2007-12-22 02:31:46 · 5 answers · asked by DIY Doc 7

on a back of the chair, pecked it, then looked at you sternly and said: "Behind with your tax payment again, aren't we?"

2007-12-22 01:45:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

paddy pulls alongside a lorry driver oi driver he shouts your loosing your load driver tells him to sod off
5miles further along paddy yells oi driver im not joking your loosing your load the dirver yells back will you put a sock in it you thick t*at im gritting

2007-12-22 01:40:14 · 11 answers · asked by ISAIAH 5

2007-12-22 01:34:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Overheard in restaurant, " Don`t order the Soupe Du Joir,.. You never know what it`s going to be from one day to the next."

2007-12-22 00:45:11 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous