Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."

"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.

The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

2007-12-23 02:11:34 · 12 answers · asked by Denz 5

a blond with her BF r driving to the airport,
all the way the blond was repeating:
"i should have packed the TV, why i didn't Pack the Tv"
her BF ignored her as he knows how women love to take everything with them when they travel.

but the blond kept saying:
"i should have packed the TV, why i didn't Pack the Tv"

when the arrive to the airport, her BF was really annoyed, so he said:
"honey, don't worry, i booked us a room with cables"

the blond replied:
"ohh, how sweet, but i should have packed the TV b/c tht where i put our passports"......!!

2007-12-23 01:56:32 · 14 answers · asked by Light Shielded By Dark 5

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"

2007-12-23 01:30:55 · 8 answers · asked by puma 4

A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings.


He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly.

'Don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man'

The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man.

The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it.

Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong.

"No, not really" replied the doctor. 'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared the East.'

2007-12-23 01:28:08 · 9 answers · asked by puma 4

" Okay, i walk into the GAP and a Cashier sees me and says 'You need help' and I'm like 'yes, I'd like some clothes' and she says 'what size are you?' And I say 'Actual! This ain't a trick baby!'

"So later, I need some help unlocking a dressing room and a different woman comes up and uses a key to unlock it. I'm like 'thanks' and she's like 'Your welcome, and if you need anything, my name's Jill.' Right before she leaves I'm like, 'Wait, what if I don't need anything, will you be like 'Hey, I'm Eugene' "

2007-12-23 01:25:35 · 5 answers · asked by Forksided 3

"I noticed there are no B batteries, but I think it's to avoid confusion. It's like stuttering. 'Hi I'd like some B batteries please' 'Sure, what kind?' 'B batteries.' 'What kind?' ' B BATTERIES DANGIT I SAID IT 3 TIMES!'

"Now D batteries, those are had for foreigners, 'Yah, I'd like dee batteries up theah, pleeze.'

"I never buy C Batteries in Two's. ' Yah, I'd like 2 C batteries, please.' 'Then look at them stupid!'

2007-12-23 01:12:23 · 8 answers · asked by Forksided 3

The one that makes me fall of my chair will get the points

2007-12-23 00:53:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Why are you here, dude? Don't you know that the beach is closed after 10 p.m.?"

2007-12-23 00:46:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

But why is the rum gone?

2007-12-23 00:39:02 · 15 answers · asked by Jack_Sparr0w 1

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not beat his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me!"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay God.
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2007-12-23 00:33:31 · 24 answers · asked by Quizard 7

How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care

LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money

LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts

LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's

LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV

LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score

2007-12-23 00:32:43 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

It was a small congregation that sunday and people where milling about talking of clothes and other things when suddenly the devil appeared at the pulpit.
Suddenly people where running for the doors,trampling others as they scrambled to get out amidst their fear.
Only one man remained seated calmly in the pews.
satan approached him amased that he had not run away as the others had.
He asked the man, "why are you not afraid of me as the others are".The man replied, "why should I be, I've been married to your sister for the past fifty years!"

2007-12-22 23:48:38 · 7 answers · asked by rhay ♥ 7

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

2007-12-22 23:17:28 · 7 answers · asked by Sofiya 6

come on you lot we all have enough cr@p in our lifes lets have a bit of fun ?????? tell a joke ?? tell a funny story whatever takes your fancy ???????

2007-12-22 22:33:47 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Out of the following, which doesn't belong: First Second Third Forth Fifth Sixth Seventh Eighth

2007-12-22 22:26:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

here about the blonde who had double glazing fitted to her stomach.she wanted a womb with a view.happy Xmas

2007-12-22 20:02:35 · 17 answers · asked by country bumpkin [sheep nurse] 7

i will give 10 points to the person that can insult me the worst and can say the worst most low down thing they can think of


im 16 a sophmore have shortish hair thats a dark brown

well shoot

2007-12-22 19:19:19 · 12 answers · asked by C2 2

here are four brainteasers, solve them and good luck:

a)what did the mother bullet tell the father bullet?

b) Gun Jr.

c) N U R 4th

d) butter, steak, swiss have what in common

2007-12-22 18:57:31 · 9 answers · asked by Agent R. 2

Anyone know the answer?? First one to get it gets the points..

2007-12-22 18:07:47 · 24 answers · asked by debbie 5

Read the following statements and the amazing
conclusion:


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is

Basketball.


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level

employees is Bowling.


3. The sport of choice for front-line workers

is Football.


4. The sport of choice for supervisors is

Baseball.


5. The sport of choice for middle management

is Tennis.


6. The sport of choice for corporate officers

is Golf.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

2007-12-22 15:11:00 · 4 answers · asked by Cotton C 4

2007-12-22 14:38:49 · 2 answers · asked by ? 6

Bison.

2007-12-22 14:34:18 · 10 answers · asked by beachbellex3 4

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds!"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says. "Worked for your ar.se, didn't it?"

2007-12-22 14:28:28 · 25 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

2007-12-22 14:22:55 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by ticking of the stick the blind man is using and that he walks slow. The man says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus dumbass, so shut the hell up!!!!"

2007-12-22 14:12:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

2007-12-22 13:57:32 · 15 answers · asked by henpeg29 1

One sells watches and the other watches cells.

2007-12-22 12:36:13 · 10 answers · asked by Tango 7

Hehe...this is a trick question...will you answer it right?

2007-12-22 12:07:17 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

im trying to make my friend smile..caus hes had a bad day...so do u no any funny jokes?!? please help..thnx! i luv ya!
-peace

2007-12-22 11:56:48 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

She told me to get lost because I probably wouldn't bring the book back.

2007-12-22 11:52:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous