come on you lot we all have enough cr@p in our lifes lets have a bit of fun ?????? tell a joke ?? tell a funny story whatever takes your fancy ???????
2007-12-22 22:33:47 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must particularly send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in the special e-mail program you told me about, or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split £7 million with me - I think I can borrow enough for the fee he wants up front to get the money into my account.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains and dissolve the grime on old coins.
I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an after-shave sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider, alligator or snake is lurking under the seat.
And thanks to your great advice, I didn't even pick up the £10.00 note I saw in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large eagle with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon, the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump, and your next poo will be a large hedgehog.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way, a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their emails with their hand on the mouse.
P.S. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
2007-12-22 23:39:14 · answer #1 · answered by nanny chris w 7 · 4⤊ 2⤋
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.
What bird can lift the most?
A crane.
What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.
What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.
What clothes does a house wear?
Address.
What country makes you shiver?
Chile.
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!
What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.
What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.
What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.
What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.
What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.
What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.
What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer.
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
What kind of ties can't you wear?
Railroad ties.
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.
What's green and loud?
A froghorn.
What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.
Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.
Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.
Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
2007-12-22 22:43:13 · answer #2 · answered by Daisy 5 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Merry Christmas to you all.
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
Midnight~Angel :)
2007-12-22 22:44:27 · answer #3 · answered by Midnight_Angel 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
2007-12-22 22:47:03 · answer #4 · answered by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
WHY SANTA CAN'T POSSIBLY BE A MAN
1) Men can't pack a bag
2) Most Men would rather die than be seen wearing Red Velvet
3) Men don't answer letters
4) Men aren't interested in stockings unless someone is wearing them
5) The 'ho ho ho' thing would seriously inhibit a mans pulling power
6) Being totally responsible for Christmas would require commitment
2007-12-22 23:28:39 · answer #5 · answered by ♥ Beaver Diva Sue ♥ 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hi Angel I am coming round after a recent drastic spell.
2007-12-22 22:50:27 · answer #6 · answered by .... 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No jokes - just have a very Merry Christmas!
Enjoy life and your family and friends!
Best, Ken, Christina & Maci
2007-12-22 22:41:09 · answer #7 · answered by Ken 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sorry!!! I have been at mother in law's for the weekend and now I am too tired to think of anything. Happy Christmas xxx
2007-12-23 09:29:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
We wish you a Merry Christmas , We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year :) :) :)
Have A Great Ho Ho Holiday! :]
2007-12-22 23:21:32 · answer #9 · answered by Muffin 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah your right, Merry Christmas!
2007-12-23 08:00:12 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋