Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

No offense.

2007-12-24 08:13:04 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.


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Q. Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A. Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers.


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Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.



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Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.



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Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.



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Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.


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Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.


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Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.


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Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.


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Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.



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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.



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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


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Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?



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Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.




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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.



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Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.

2007-12-24 07:28:04 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-12-24 07:08:03 · 11 answers · asked by ben t 3

Tampax have announced that they are to stop using the little bits of string and will replace them with little bits of tinsel.....................................
but only for the Christmas Period.

2007-12-24 06:54:46 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

- You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
-Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
- The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
- Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
- You've ever been too drunk to fish.
- You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
- Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
- Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
- You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
- The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold
- You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor
- You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
- In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
- Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
- You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

2007-12-24 06:48:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mine is " your unique, just like everyone else " ....lol

2007-12-24 06:26:04 · 21 answers · asked by Roxy 1

3 old triplet sisters each 88 years old are becoming more forgetful

The first sister is about to take a bath and has one foot in the tub and one foot out. She calls out "WAS I GETTING IN THE TUB OR OUT?"

The 2nd sister tells the 3rd "I'm going to find out what she wants." As she reaches the landing of the stairs she turns back and asks "What was I going up stairs for?"

The 3 sister say's "God, I hope I never get that senile, knock on wood" and raps her hand on the coffee table 3 times.

She yells to both of her sisters "I COMING TO HELP BOTH OF YOU AS SOON AS I GET THE DOOR"


Star me baby!!!!!!!!!

2007-12-24 06:12:56 · 12 answers · asked by Sports fan 5

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

2007-12-24 06:04:31 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator
door - nose height.


Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up
in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space

2007-12-24 05:32:39 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.jacquielawson.com/preview.asp?cont=1&hdn=0&mpv=3111930

2007-12-24 05:16:14 · 23 answers · asked by chris w. 7

the new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. "can i see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"but officer," the fellow started, "i can explain..."

"shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer."yer going downtown and sit awhile til the sarge gets back."

"but, officer, i think you really should know..."

"and i said to shut yer trap! you're going to jail!"

a few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said," lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughters wedding. he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"dont count on it," shot back the sap in his cell. "im the groom!!"

2007-12-24 03:57:13 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

"You know, cotton balls are an example of something I would buy, but not what I would want as a nick name. Yah thats Leroy and Charlie over there, and this is Cotton Balls right here next to me.

" Cinnamon Buns, that's what I'd like to buy AND have as a nickname 'You Cinnamon Buns? Get your sweet butt over here.' "

2007-12-24 03:53:51 · 7 answers · asked by Forksided 3

There was a married blonde who was very concerned about her stupidity to her husband, so she decides to make it up to him by painting the house while he's at work.

When her husband came home, the house was suspiciously green and smelled like paint, so he went to her wife to see what's going on. When he went in the bedroom, she was still painting while she was wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket. The husband said "I like what you did to the house, but why are you wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket?" The blonde responds "When I was reading the instructions on the can, it said 'FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS!'"

2007-12-24 03:53:06 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

depends on whether you'd rather be screwed or fingered.

2007-12-24 03:47:19 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

this elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, "cough drops" and snickered.

just then the cop approached the old gal and said,"what are you doing here m'am?"

the woman pulled herself up to her full height of 4'4 and replied, "well, i can suck em, cant i?"

2007-12-24 03:36:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

2007-12-24 03:32:42 · 9 answers · asked by beachbellex3 4

a husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. he commented,"boy, your @ss is getting big, almost as big as this gas grill here." she angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying,"yep, that thing is getting huge." at this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed,"it is as big as the gas grill!"

later that night when they went to bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. she just turned away."come on honey,"he said,"whats wrong?" her cold reply was, "im not firing up this grill for just one little weiner!"

2007-12-24 03:31:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

*..x..*Guess How Many Gum Balls I Have In My Hand Right Now*..x..*

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2007-12-24 02:49:14 · 9 answers · asked by Teaaaa 1

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."

2007-12-24 02:31:45 · 42 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"

2007-12-24 01:04:35 · 28 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

2007-12-24 00:59:53 · 26 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

2007-12-24 00:44:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

2007-12-24 00:42:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor.
This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!
The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH.
The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!
The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox,and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!
A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.
The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"

2007-12-24 00:40:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

2007-12-24 00:34:15 · 34 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-12-24 00:24:43 · 15 answers · asked by Kairi 2

A fridge wearing a leather jacket!
ahahaha

2007-12-24 00:17:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

cause it was taking the piss out the pants

2007-12-24 00:02:47 · 19 answers · asked by walkovshame 3

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

2007-12-23 23:57:47 · 15 answers · asked by 19G30 5

they would ve asked directons,arrived on time,helped deliver the baby,cleaned the stable,made a casserole,brought practical gifts,and there would bepeace on earth !

2007-12-23 23:42:56 · 17 answers · asked by bunny 2