Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

SMILE is a language of LOVE,


SMILE is a way to get success,


SMILE is to win the hearts,


Smile improves UR personality,


So brush UR teeth regularly ;-))

THANKS.

Do u like this joke??????????????

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.

2007-12-25 01:07:20 · 18 answers · asked by Antara 3

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

2007-12-24 23:53:30 · 15 answers · asked by gemma s 1

I'm still waiting for my mom to come back from work...

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24 23:22:08 · 16 answers · asked by The Questioner 1

there's a 2 chemist that is husband and wife named there son after an element Iron .. what do you think is his name??

2007-12-24 23:18:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Naughty joke though:

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
"HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward.
"There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!"
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honey moon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest....

AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT....IT WILL SOON BECOME THE community CHEST!"

2007-12-24 22:25:10 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

THE COWBOY AND THE LESBIAN.

An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?!”
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a
lesbian."

2007-12-24 21:44:05 · 18 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

After a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was running toward them in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she said, as she shook the older boy's shoulders in anger, combined with relief.
"We were just playing church mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him. You know, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.'"

2007-12-24 20:44:46 · 15 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

Some reasons that it's great to be a guy:

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every picture of somebody crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours ! without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world! is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too dirty.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote control is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healt! hy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends that you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "screw it."
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, "So... notice anything different?"


Things that suck about being a guy:

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
Ribbed for her pleasure -- not yours.
You have to wear ties.
You can't flirt your way out of a ja! m.
"Women and children first."

2007-12-24 20:31:22 · 13 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect..... . So why practice?

Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. - They are so tasty.

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every
Unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........

2007-12-24 19:39:57 · 6 answers · asked by ๏๓ รђคภtเ, รђคภtเ รђคภtเ ....... ! 7

I want some variation of an elf costume for postChristmas

2007-12-24 16:34:13 · 5 answers · asked by Smart Kat 7

It's Prttey fnuny how we can raed tihs einrte snetnece wtih all tehse ltters all out of palce, and we can cnotniue to keep raednig and sitll mekas snece of waht we are raeding. No mttar how mnay tmies you raed tihs oevr and oevr you can sitll mkae snece of it.
How is taht pssoible?

As long as the first and last letter of the word is in its correct position, you can position the middle letters in any order and still make sence of it. Our eyes just glance at he first and last letters of a word.

2007-12-24 15:14:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the Snow bank!

2007-12-24 13:56:28 · 9 answers · asked by angel1 5

1. did you just fart? cuz you blew me away!
2. Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
3. Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!
4. I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow
5. you must've been the reason for global Warming, you're so hot.
6. If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.

I hope you had a good laugh! Bye ~Happy Holidays!~

2007-12-24 13:02:41 · 9 answers · asked by Keep your head high. :) 5

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun,
Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the
old nun
had instructed.



Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.



The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night
bath had gone.



'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash
him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs
where he
said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'



'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to
Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would
be assured salvation and eternal peace.


And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'


'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.


'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation
was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart
with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'



'That wicked old bastard' said the old nun. 'He told me it was
Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years.'

2007-12-24 12:54:16 · 20 answers · asked by st.abbs 5

Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and a baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and the father stork is trying to calm him.

"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest and the baby stork is crying.

The mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mummies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate. Their son is absent from the next all all night. Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Just scaring the sh*t out of uni students!"

2007-12-24 12:49:13 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old country doctor goes way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It is so far out that there is no electricity. When the doctor arrives, no-one is home except for the labouring mother and her five-year-old child. The doctor instructs the child to hold a lantern up high so he can see while he helps the woman deliver the baby. The child does so, the mother pushes, and after a little while, the doctor lifts the newborn baby by the feet and spanks him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child says. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

2007-12-24 12:41:58 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer hires a uni student one summer to help around the farm.
At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you."
The uni student says, "Great!"
So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lots of drinking."
The student says, "I can drink just as much as anyone else."
And the farmer adds, "There is also going to be a lot of fightin' so I hope you are ready."
So the student responds, "I have been working hard all summer and I think I'm in pretty good shape."
"One more thing," says the farmer, "Did I mention that there will be lots of s*x?"
"You beauty!" shouts the student. "I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?"
The farmer says, "Nothing fancy. It's just going to be me and you."

2007-12-24 12:19:27 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Rover the rottweiler was taken to the vet he met his old mate Fang the alsation. Ello Fang wot you doing here said Rover. Well said Fang someone tried to pinch our T.V. so I bit him and now I've got to be put down. How about you?
Well It's like this said Rover my owner, Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch me a bone. when she bent over I sort of took over and gave her a bone of my own. Gosh! said Fang you deserve to be put down for doing that.
Oh said Rover I'm not here to be put down. I'm having my claws clipped.

2007-12-24 12:18:39 · 8 answers · asked by bobwit 4

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
He says, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"OK, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replies, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him trying to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other." :)

2007-12-24 12:13:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who ever can tell me the funniest joke wins 10 points! Jokes like this one : Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?

2007-12-24 12:12:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You spend the first 2yr teaching them to walk & talk. Then you spend the next 16yr telling them to sit down & shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own
3. Mothers of teens. I now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat words you shouldn't have said.
5. Holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

2007-12-24 11:49:59 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three frogs are arrested and brought into the courtroom for sentencing.
The judge asks the first frog, "What's your name?"
"Frog."
"What were you arrested for?"
"Blowing bubbles in the water."

Then he asks the second frog, "What's your name?"
"Frog."
What were you arrested for?"
"Blowing bubbles in the water!"

Then he asks the third frog, "What's your name?"......















"Bubbles." :(

2007-12-24 11:40:26 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife are divorcing and are in the process of arguing in front of a judge over custody of the children. The mother is asked to give her side of the story and explains that since she has brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge nods his head in agreement, then turns to the man for his side of the story.

The man thinks for a few moments, then stands and says, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

2007-12-24 11:30:06 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, Peter gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Katie.
"Hey, I really need your help" says Katie.
"What's the matter?" asks Peter.
"Well, i'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle, but i'm finding it really hard cos none of the pieces fit." replies Katie.
"Oh ok. What's the picture of?" asks Peter.
"Just a big rooster" replies Katie.
"All right" says Peter, "I'm coming over to have a look."

So he goes over to Katie's house and she takes him to the jigsaw puzzle on the table.
Peter has a look, then turns to Katie and says, "oh for Christ's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the box."

2007-12-24 10:43:09 · 36 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

3 men di on xmas eve
to get into heaven st peter says "you must have something on you that represents Xmas"
the englishman flicks on his lighter and says its a candle st peter lets him pass
welsh man pulls out a of keys and jingles them and says they are bells st peter lets him pass
the irish man pulls out g sting and st peter says how do they represent xmas!!!
paddy replies they CAROLS

2007-12-24 10:23:10 · 7 answers · asked by Dianne E 2

Father to son... "I don`t care if the outside wall is cracked, stop telling everyone you come from a broken home. "

2007-12-24 10:09:57 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

sticks and stones may break my bones and so will yo mama on top of me


Once, President George Bush visited China, and was greeted by an envoy. The envoy took him on a tour of China for the next few days, at the end of the tour, George told the envoy,"This has been an interesting trip, but i couldn't help but notice, why is China so dirty?"
The envoy smiled but actually, he was fuming inside. A few months later the envoy got a chance to visit the USA, so at this point he planned to get revenge on George, as he was taking the envoy on a tour this time. The envoy looked around for dirty and rundwon places with his binoculars, but he noticed that all the places in the USA were not as dirty as China.


He was on the point of giving up when he spotted an extremely dirty area, at which he pointed to it and asked George Bush,"i couldn't help but notice,but why is that place so dirty?" the envoy snickered as he got his revenge. but George Bush said,"Of course it is! Thats Chinatown!"

2007-12-24 10:09:40 · 5 answers · asked by Eminem 2

* * * Riddle: When this thing "sucks" it's a bad thing Hint: cant be a person

2007-12-24 10:08:23 · 16 answers · asked by iz R 2

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world; an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

2007-12-24 09:35:57 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow **** have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

2007-12-24 09:11:54 · 10 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7