Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A man walks into a bar, goes up and buys a bottle of beer, and says` good morning sire'
the bar attender replies ` its morning already?'

2007-12-26 08:41:09 · 35 answers · asked by Eminem 2

Scientist invented super computer that should answer any question. They asked "is there god?". The computer respond- not enough information, please connect me to the strongest computers in the world. Ok so they done it and they ask him again, and still it say that there is not enough info and ask to connect him to all the computers in the world. Same thing all other again but this time to connect him to all the electricity in the world. The scientists already tired ask him once more "is there god"? And the computer respond with a grim smiley on the monitor "Now there is!!"


A missioner lost in the desert. Suddenly he see a huge lion coming to attack him. There is no where to run so the last thing he can do is to pray. So he get down on his knees, put his hands together and say "please lord can you make this lion a good christian?" Suddenly the lion sit down put his hands together too and say "Bless, O Lord this food that....."

2007-12-26 08:34:02 · 8 answers · asked by Vagabond 3

A foreign legion fort got a new commanding officer.

After a couple of weeks in the desert he was missing female company.

He called over his sergeant and asked what the men did when they wanted sex.

"We have a camel" replied the sergeant.

"That's absolutely disgusting" said the commanding officer, "take the camel out and shoot it".

The sergeant protested that the men might mutiny, but the commanding officer was adamant.

The sergeant took the camel out into the desert. But he could not bring himself to shoot it, so he tied it to a handy shrub which grew nearby,
fired his rifle in the air and went back to the fort. That night he went out under cover of darkness, brought the camel back to the fort and hid it in the basement.

After a few more weeks the commanding officer is feeling a stirring in his loins and calls the sergeant into his office.

"Did you really shoot the camel?" He asks. "Yessir, I shot the camel as ordered" replies the sergeant.

"Come on sergeant, we're all men of the world and I won't discipline you" says the commanding officer "I don't think you actually shot something so important to the men's morale, where is it?"

"oh alright sir, it's in the basement" says the sergeant.

"Lead me to it", says the commanding officer.

So down to the basement they go, and as he opens the door the commanding officer is loosening his trouser belt.

"That'll be all" he says to the sergeant.

There follow great sounds of commotion, and the camel bellowing deafeningly. A few minutes later the commanding officer re-appears. "Sergeant, that was one of the worst experiences of my life, I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself" he says "Do all the men really get sexual gratification with the camel?".

"Not really sir", says the sergeant.








"They usually ride it to the whore-house in Cairo."

2007-12-26 08:26:56 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy has been a fornicator and a villain all his life, but he decides he has got to mend his ways. So he decides to take up the monastic life. He goes to this monastery and is told the head monk will interview him to make sure his motives are right and that he is sure this is really what he wants to do. So they talk and discuss and the guy nods and seems to be giving all the right answers and he's happy with what it will mean to him. The conversation is just coming to an end and the head monk asks the man has he any questions that he now feels he needs to specifically ask. 'Well', he says, 'There is one thing bothering me father' 'Yes my son' says the father 'Well as i told you I am a fornicator and well I know I'd miss that relief of sexual tension and I just wonder how you lot manage' 'Ah yes, I was wondering when we'd get around to that', said the father. 'Well my son, we have this room, and in this room we have this barrel, and in this barrel there are a number of holes, and my son, on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, you would be allowed to relief your tension by making use of the facilities of the holes in this barrel' 'Ah', said the guy, thinking. 'But father, you said Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, um, what happens on Wednesday father?' 'Well my son, on Wednesday it would be your turn in the barrel.'

2007-12-26 08:16:46 · 15 answers · asked by Quizard 7

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

2007-12-26 08:16:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.
"Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner

2007-12-26 08:15:57 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside.
The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"
The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy."
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment.
They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
The blond says, "Well? what's up?"
The frog still does not move.
So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

2007-12-26 08:14:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

2007-12-26 07:48:59 · 27 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so,"

2007-12-26 07:47:22 · 13 answers · asked by Will S 6

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

2007-12-26 07:18:53 · 27 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Check back for answer...

2007-12-26 06:52:44 · 54 answers · asked by GO Saints!! 3

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, " did Santa get you that?" " Yes", the girl replies. Cop says." Will you tell him to put a reflector light on it next year?" and fined her $5.The little girl looked up at the cop and said. " Nice horse you got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles ,and replies, " he sure did." "Well ", said the little girl, " next year tell santa, the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it".

2007-12-26 06:24:38 · 32 answers · asked by no33 2

Q what is the definition of mixed emotions?
A watching your mother in law driving off a cliff in your new mustang.

2007-12-26 06:11:25 · 9 answers · asked by Johnpet 4

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead on top of a building and it was on fire.

The fireman held out a tarp and told the redhead to jump.
Just before she went to land in it, they moved the tarp, and SPLAT she hit the ground.

So, the brunette says, "You won't do that to me, will you?"
"NO, of course not said the fireman".
So she jumped. And again, just before she goes to land in it, they moved it, and SPLAT she hit the ground.

So, now the blonde walks over to the side of the building yells down to the fireman, "NO WAY, I'm not that dump - y'all set it on the ground and step away.!!!!

SPLAT!

2007-12-26 03:58:21 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-26 03:40:04 · 31 answers · asked by om_chessking 2

2007-12-26 03:34:35 · 9 answers · asked by azz hole 2

2007-12-26 03:06:43 · 2 answers · asked by Smart Kat 7

i saw someone try it on youtube and the worms looked like rice
and then i saw another video and they said it was a hoax
i dont have any pork to try it
so can someone give me answers?

2007-12-26 02:42:25 · 13 answers · asked by fsryhwr d 1

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins.

Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Buffie.

Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . .
Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

2007-12-26 02:28:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-12-26 02:26:59 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

2007-12-26 02:23:08 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"

2007-12-26 01:46:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-26 00:47:36 · 17 answers · asked by Eric Chua Yanshan Maynas 3

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Shiit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

2007-12-26 00:00:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

2007-12-25 23:56:53 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

St Peter is standing at the Pearly gates to Heaven when a man approaches claiming to be Bill Gates.
St Peter asks for proof of who he is, so Bill shows him his bank balance.
"In you go" says Peter.
A second man approaches claiming to be Stephen Hawking, St Peter asks for proof, so Stephen explains the Big Bang theory.
"In you go" says Peter.
A third man approaches, claiming to be David Beckham. But when St Peter asks him for proof, Beckham gets really annoyed.
"Come on, even Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking had to do it."
"Who?" says Beckham."
"In you go" says Peter

2007-12-25 23:25:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

>> A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
>> In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer,
>> was
>>questioning Clyde.
>> "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
>>fine,'?"
>>asked the lawyer.
>> Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I
>>had
>>just loaded my
>> favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
>> "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted.
>>
>>"Just answer the
>> question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the
>>scene
>>of the
>> accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
>> Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
>>trailer
>>and I was driving
>> down the road...."
>> The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I
>>am
>>trying to
>> establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
>>this
>>man told the
>> Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
>>Now
>>several weeks
>> after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
>>believe
>>he is a fraud.
>> Please tell him to simply answer the question."
>> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
>>Clyde's
>>answer and said to
>> the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about
>>his
>>favourite cow, Bessie".
>> Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was
>>
>>saying, I had just
>> loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and
>>was
>>driving her down
>> the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran
>>the
>>stop sign and
>> smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into
>>one
>>ditch and Bessie
>> was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
>>
>>didn't want to move.
>> However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
>>I
>>knew she was in
>> terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the
>>accident a Highway
>> Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie
>>moaning
>>and groaning, so
>> he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw
>>her
>>fatal condition,
>> he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
>> the
>>Patrolman came
>> across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
>>said,
>>"How are you feeling?"
>> "Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?"

2007-12-25 23:21:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two IT guys are walking through the park when one says "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second one replies "I was walking along yesterday, when a beautiful young woman rode up on this bike. she threw it down on the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take whatever you want!"
The second guy nods approvingly and says "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted!"

2007-12-25 22:22:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.-Alright your stuck in a room with no door windows or openings, just walls. You only have a baseball bat and a ball. How can you get out.

2.- Your in the same situation your in a room with no doors windows and its just walls. You only have a table and a saw. HOW DO YOU GET OUT.

3.- A person eats one apple each minute. Now you have ten people and ten apples how long will it take to eat the ten apples.

2007-12-25 19:24:07 · 33 answers · asked by ? 3

A FATHER TELLS HIS SON TO FILL A BUCKET
FULL OF WATER' FROM THE LAKE

THE BUCKET HAS
HOLES ALL AROUND IT

WHEN HE COMES BAK
THE BUCKETS FULL

HOW DOES HE DO IT'????

2007-12-25 18:28:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous