Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

okay, my bff asked me if her jokes were lame. i dunno so i'll see how many ppl say yes and how many say no. and then i'll tell her. ok , here they go:


first, whats the difference between a blond and a blind? a blind sees what he thinks, a blond thinks how she sees.....

and second, whats the diiference between a blind and a blond? the i and o...goodness you must be a blond yourself!!!!\


i kno, lame huh?

2007-12-27 06:41:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

They appeared at the Pearly Gates before St.Peter, who said, “I would like to ask you a question each, before you enter heaven”

He asked the first nun, “Who was the first human that God created?”

“Adam,” she answered promptly. The music of harps was heard, the gates opened and angels appeared to escort her in.

He asked the second nun, “Who was the second human that God created?”

“Eve.” The music of harps was heard, the gates opened and angels appeared to escort her in.

St.Peter turned to the third nun, and asked, “What were the first words that Eve spoke to Adam?”

The third nun mentally went over all the sacred,holy books, all Testaments, chronicles, parables, everything but could not remember any reference to any dialogue between Adam and Eve. While St.Peter waited patiently, she racked her brains furiously but failed to come up with any answer.

Finally, blushing and looking sheepishly at St.Peters, she said, “ Gosh! That’s a hard one!” The music of harps was heard, the gates opened and angels appeared to escort her in.

2007-12-27 05:45:40 · 7 answers · asked by ven_god_ky 3

John took his blind date to a carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and got another prize.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate Laura, asked her about her blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh Waura, it was wousy."

2007-12-27 05:29:01 · 9 answers · asked by Mako 7

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

2007-12-27 04:36:05 · 20 answers · asked by .... 6

A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."

2007-12-27 03:49:49 · 14 answers · asked by .... 6

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.

He was served a piece of meat, and as he picked it up with his fork, he held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "To which end of the fork are you referring....?"

2007-12-27 03:42:35 · 14 answers · asked by .... 6

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bolognaise again! If I get a bolognaise sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bolognaise and jumped to his death as well. (more coming)

2007-12-27 03:41:10 · 10 answers · asked by Steve C 7

An old Jewish woman is walking down the street when a flasher jumps out and fully opens his raincoat, the Jewish woman takes one look and says. "Pfft! You call that a lining?"

2007-12-27 03:35:28 · 14 answers · asked by Quizard 7

A man walks into a drugstore with his 8 year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks,"What are these dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy.
"Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package or 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool," says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and ask, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers.
"Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for Jan., one for Feb., one for March...."

2007-12-27 02:51:22 · 9 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

why was 6 scared of 7?

2007-12-27 02:48:51 · 22 answers · asked by little miss monkey. 2

I'm so tired of seeing the Kmart talking light bulb. What ads are you sick of see?

2007-12-27 02:41:27 · 5 answers · asked by gigischildcare 6

Santa was at home with his wife, Jeeto, when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Banta there clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong?", Santa said.

"I've been hit by a bloody cricket ball!" said Banta.

Just then Santa's wife wife, Jeeto, came to the door and said, "Quick, come in here and I'll look after you".

When Santa looked in the kitchen he saw Banta sitting on a dining chair, Jeeto had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing Banta's penis with cotton wool and water.

"How do you feel?" he said.

Banta turned and said, "Santa, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!", then holding his finger in the air he said, "But I still think I will lose the nail!"

2007-12-27 01:12:15 · 8 answers · asked by tick 2

Mrs Banta was in bed with her lover when she heard Banta opening the front door. `Hurry!` she said,`Stand in the corner.`
She quickly rubbed baby oil allover him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
`Don`t move until I tell you to.` she whispered.`Just pretend you`re a statue.`
`What`s this?` Banta asked as he entered the room.
`Oh, it`s just a statue.` she replied nonchalantly too.`
No more was said about the `statue`. Later that night they went to sleep. Around two in the morning Banta got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
`Here.` he said to the `statue`. `Eat this. I stood like an idiot at my friend`s house for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.

2007-12-27 01:09:34 · 4 answers · asked by tick 2

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a gay.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor`s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor`s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette lying on the ground, still burning.
The gay looked at the chain smoker and said, "If u bend over to pick that up, we`re both dead

2007-12-27 01:06:21 · 5 answers · asked by tick 2

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, "Up, or down?". The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife, "Up, or down?" She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again... "Up, or down?"
His wife says, "What?".
To which he replies, "During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long."
The wife says, "Ooooh, I thought you said 'F#ck, or drown !".

2007-12-26 23:48:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells - "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first." "It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up." "It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee." "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away." "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper." "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table." "It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish."

"And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time... "I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!"

2007-12-26 23:45:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blond from the future 2008 shows up at the party on New Years Eve 2007 in a time machine and walks up to the nearest blond she can find and ask. " How do i get here from there? " The blond at the party says " You can't, your already here!...:) "

2007-12-26 23:35:39 · 7 answers · asked by charlesdclimer 5

JUST A JOKE


An Italian, French and Indian went to England in interview and they want to do a sentence with three main words yellow, green and pink.

1. The first one was the Italian :
(I wake up in the morning and I see the yellow sun, the green grass and I think about my self and I hope it will be pink day....)

2. The next was the French :
( I wake up in the morning and I eat the yellow banana, the green pepper and I watch the pink panther on the TV....)

3. The last one was the Indian :
(I wake up in the morning I hear the phone "green green" and I pink up the phone and I say yellow

2007-12-26 23:19:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A chav walks into a Jobcentre, marches up to the counter and says 'Hi, I'm looking for a job.'
The man replies 'Well, we've just got a listing from a millionaire who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard/ for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be required to escort the young lady on her holidays twice a year. The salary is £200k.'
The chav says 'Your bullsh@tting me!'
The man replies 'Well you started it!'

2007-12-26 22:26:51 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

if so where you from im form England im ment to b workin but im stuffing my face on pork pie.

2007-12-26 22:20:03 · 24 answers · asked by Ace 2

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You a*shole, I'm drowning."

2007-12-26 22:16:49 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-12-26 22:00:33 · 35 answers · asked by madderstill 3

Sit in a big bike in the front seat.

Do that and tell me your experience.

2007-12-26 21:56:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a relation between each number of this clock and the corresponding one .. find the relation and complete the missing numbers:

http://www.upload2world.com/pic61/upload2world_71e10.jpg

2007-12-26 21:55:28 · 6 answers · asked by Kimo 4

Read this sentence slowly:

Finished files are the result of years of scientific study combined with the experience of years.

Count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them only once. How many?

2007-12-26 21:19:24 · 15 answers · asked by Lei Al 2

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

2007-12-26 21:08:22 · 39 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

itll remind u of ur name and if its reversed it will remind u of me

whats this answer

2007-12-26 21:08:05 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I wan! t to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

3) Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”

Pupil : “A teacher”.

4) Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colors do you have?”

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.

Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sa! m : “She’s a woman”.

7) Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.

9) Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.

10) Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records sho! w that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

11) Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”

12) Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”

2007-12-26 20:16:37 · 17 answers · asked by lets talk-now w 5

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests.

So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

"Tell her it's ok," says John. "I already did them by hand."

2007-12-26 20:10:09 · 20 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

2007-12-26 20:07:45 · 28 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7