Quick! i need a funny joke.....ASAP!!!?

Question

im trying to make my friend smile..caus hes had a bad day...so do u no any funny jokes?!? please help..thnx! i luv ya!
-peace

Answer 1

knock knock
who's there?
mop
mopwho?

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve.

They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven.

The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven.

The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.

Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent Christmas?"

The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."

6 Truths of life:?
1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.





2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.





3. The first truth is a lie





4. You're smiling now, because your an idiot.





5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.





6. there's still a stupid smile on your face!!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Norma referred me to a hypnotist. He told me
to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not Have a Headache I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'." "It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful. “His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back.." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and
jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday

A man was driving his wife home after a night out when they stopped by the police.
"Did you know you were speeding, sir?" asked the officer.
"No, I had no idea that I was speeding." replied the driver.
"Of course you were," interrupted the wife. "You're always speeding."
The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle. "And did you know your brake light is broken, sir?"
"No, I had no idea that it was broken." replied the driver.
Again the wife interrupted. "Of course you knew it was broken. You're always saying you'll get it repaired, but you never have."
The officer began to sympathize with the driver. "Does she always talk to you like this?"
"Only when he's drunk." said the wife.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane........'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for teatime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'!
At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story. 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Moral for women:

*Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!*

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5.

"Idiot!" The Taliban shouted, " I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
water!

I should kill you, but I must find water first." "OK," said the old Jewish
man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate
me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that dune to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the
hill.....................................

Several hours later he staggered back. "Your f*cking brother won't let me in
without a tie."



A man wants to buy a car. He goes to a car dealership. He is looking at all of the cars when he sees one that looks so much better than any other. He looks inside the car and sees that it has no steering wheel. He calls the car dealer over and asks why it is. The car dealer replies, "You see, this car is futuristic. It is voice controlled. Directions are easy, you simply say: left, right, or back. But the starting and stopping of the car is tricky. To start it you say Thank God, and to stop it you say Oh ****."

So the man buys it and goes on a trip. He gets really used to the controls and is having fun. Suddenly, he sees a huge cliff ahead of him. He tries to say the words for "stop" or “back", but he cant remember them. He starts panicking and shouting random words. "Stop. Stop car. Please stop." By now he is about to go off the cliff. "Oh ****" and the car stops. “Thank God".


Mary, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband
Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her
heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below
your left breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mary was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.


* Nike Condoms: Just do it.
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
* Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
* Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
* Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
* Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
* Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
* Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
* Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
* Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
* New York Lotto Condoms: 'Cause hey -- you never know.
* California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
* Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
* EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
* KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
* Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
* Microsoft Condoms - Where do you want to go today?
* Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
* Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
* Timex: Takes a licking and keep on ticking.
* McDonald's: Over 1 billion served.
* Volkswagon: Drivers wanted.
* Porsche: There is no substitute
* What was that brand of women's high heel shoe?: Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker.
* Quaker Oats: Do the right thing.
* Life Cereal: He Like's It! He Like's It!
* Johnson & Johnson: No more tears...
* Wheaties Condoms: Condom of Champions
*Honycomb:Big Mouths
wanted

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.
The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the
lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my
glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm taking you to church, to confession".
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to
the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet now."

Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.

The Surprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.



The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....



The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your *** look like "a Japanese Flag".



The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!



The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.



The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.



The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.



The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.



The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......



The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.



The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....



The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

6 Truths of life:?
1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.





2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.





3. The first truth is a lie





4. You're smiling now, because your an idiot.





5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.





6. there's still a stupid smile on your face!!



He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set.
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide... he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms.
And then he stuffed the turkey.



Jesus vs satan?
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."





So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.





They moused.





They faxed.





They e-mailed.





They e-mailed with attachments.





They downloaded.





They did spreadsheets!





They wrote reports.





They created labels and cards.





They created charts and graphs.





They did some genealogy reports





They did every job known to man.





Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.





Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:





"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"





Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.





Satan observed this and became irate.





"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!


How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"





God just shrugged and said,





"JESUS SAVES"




Three men at the doctors. One is a drinker, another a smoker and the third is gay.
The doctor tells them if they don't stop their bad habits they will die.
On the way home they pass a pub, and the drinker says I need a drink. I don't care if I die. With that he has a drink and drops dead.
The other two continue on. The smoker spots a still burning cigarette butt on the floor.
The gay man says''If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.''

Mug shot....?
Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. "Easy, " she replied. "He only has one eye." The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!" He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him. "He only has one ear, " was her answer. "What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer." After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses." This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, "How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!" "Well, " she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"


Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them

Answer 2

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . .
you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm
100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain be idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be
ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Answer 3

there were three girls...-a blond a burnett ana a red head-...they were on a walk and and came to a cliff the burnett said "did you know if u jump off this cliff and say something you will turn into what you said" so the other 2 said ok but you go first... so the burnett jumped off and yelled "EAGLE"!! and she turned into an eagle and few off. the red jumped off and said "dear"! and she turned into a dear and pranced off into the woods. then the blond was amazed! she ran to jump off but accidently triped over a rock and yelled "crap"!! as she was falling... she thenm landed at the bottome of the cliff as a nice huge peice of crap... ^_^ hope you like the joke ^_^

Answer 4

Congress will not feature a Nativity Scene this Christmas

they cannot find three wise men and a virgin .... however

they have more than enough jackasses to fill the stable

Merry Christmas!

Answer 5

George Bush my favourite comic figure of all time.

"I got a lot of Ph.D.-types and smart people around me who come into the Oval Office and say, 'Mr. President, here's what's on my mind.' And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the device, I decide, you know, I say, 'This is what we're going to do'."
Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007

"We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories ... And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them."
Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003

"Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!"
Joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 24, 2004

Answer 6

Q: What did the stomach say to the burp?
A: Behave yourself or I'll putyou out the back door!

Q: What do worms do in a cornfield?
A: They go in one ear and out the other!

"Knock, knock!"
"Who'd there"
"Interrupting cow!
"Interupting Cow Wh...
"MOO!"

And there's probably nothing wrong with a good, old hug if he's nearby and you think he'll allow it!!

Answer 7

why was 6 afraid of 7
because 7 ate 9

Answer 8

Yea just read Garys there great!!

Merry Christmas!

Answer 9

Two peanuts are walking down the street;
One was assaulted

Answer 10

Why did the dolphin cross the road?


To get to the other Tide.

^^

Answer 11

this boy was in the car and they passed a cop and his dad said the bitc word and he asked what it meant he said a cop then his dad tripted on a rug and said the shi word and the asked again and he said a rug then he was shaving and he cut himself and said the as word and the boy asked and he said a beard and his mom was cutting something for a turkey and she said the f bomb and he asked and she said stuffing then a cop came to the door and the boy said hi bitc word you can wipe your feet on our shi word my dad is shaving his as word and my mom is f bombing the turkey.