Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

2007-03-27 01:49:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

LETS SEE TUMHARE gohrde KAHAN TAK BAHGTE HAIN. U CAN EVEN CHAT WITH ME ON THIS TOPIC.

2007-03-27 01:37:26 · 4 answers · asked by raangarv 1

2007-03-27 01:37:01 · 15 answers · asked by Doodle 6

Two blondes walking through a wood, when they come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says there rabbit tracks, no says the second blonde there deer tracks..
So they stand arguing for 5 mins, and a train hits them....

2007-03-27 01:35:06 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

2007-03-27 01:29:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man had relations with his friends wife and challenged her that he will make love with her in front of him. He arranged a party and took them to a park. He made the couple to sit under a tree and himself climbed up. He then shouted from the top and told his friend not to make love so open people are seeing him . His friend said that he is not doing any thing. Then he climbed down and told him to go up and see from the place he was watching. His friend went up and came down confirming to what he said.

2007-03-27 01:27:39 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

2007-03-27 01:22:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Has anyone got any funny txt jokes please?

2007-03-27 01:16:23 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ 5

a man died and goes straight to hell.the devil made him chose which chamber he wants to have his punishment.the first chamber contains a man being whipped by an ugly dementor and the second one has an old man tied in chains and was given a b*** j** by a beautiful woman.
the man of course chose the second chamber.
the devil said to the girl, "get off your feet, your punishment is done."

2007-03-27 01:10:10 · 11 answers · asked by jan-na~♥~ and im luvin it 6

If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas.... Mexican
status!!
If you're late Tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco vending
Business, Yes, you're a Mexican.
If you pronounce words beginning with the letter "S" by putting an "E"
in front of it, (estop, estupido), big time Mexican.
If you call a chair, a sher, you got it.... Mexican.
If you have ever hurt yourself and your mamacita rubbed the area while
chanting, "Sana, Sana, Colita de rana....." You're Mexican, bigtime!!!
If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere on your car,
truck, or tattooed on your back. Yes, you ARE a Mexican (Proud one too).
If you refer to your wife as your ruca, your hina, your wifa, your old
lady,or your Vieja, guess what? Not only are you a Mexican, You're a cholo.
If you throw a "Grito" every time you hear Vicente Fernandez, then not only
are you a Mexican, but you are a drunk Mexican.

2007-03-27 01:08:17 · 6 answers · asked by mejjicanna 5

Please Help this is bugging me:

1--2--3------4
0 0 0 (wall) 0
B-B-W-------W

There are 4 mexican(they are the zero) who's body are buried in the sand(only thier body are buried not thier head). having thier head facing on the wall

3 in the left and 1 on the right
each mixican was wearing a hat
B means black hat : W means White hat

They did not know what color of hat they are wearing but they can see the color of the hat of the one in front of him
-all of them are facing the wall
-they are not allowed to look to thier own hats and to ask other mexican
-Big Prizes are waiting for the one mexican who will know the color of his hat. the first one knows will be the winner so these 4 are very stimulated to answer the riddle. they must be 100% sure thier answer is correct.

Question:
One of the mexican Able to find out what color of hat he is wearing.

Who among the 4 mexicans is 100 % sure without a doubt
and with valid reason that knows the color of his hat...

2007-03-27 01:04:04 · 12 answers · asked by Ash 1

When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son also overheard some of his parents' private conversations.

One day when mother and son were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

2007-03-27 00:55:41 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Set it Free!
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But. . . .
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you actually
set it free in the first place. . .

You either married it or gave birth to it.

Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared.

They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about attraction, affection, love, and reproduction.

Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "My friend Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

2007-03-27 00:53:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What goes from green to red at the touch of a button?







A. Kermit - in a blender

2007-03-27 00:51:21 · 17 answers · asked by Rubber * Duckie 4

The Rabbi in a small town in the old country died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was disconsolate for months until the people of the village decided she should remarry.


The town was so small that it only had one eligible bachelor, the butcher.


The Rebbetzin was concerned because she had been wed to a scholar, but this butcher had little education. Still, as she was lonely, she agreed, and soon they were married.


After the marriage, on the next Friday she went to the mikvah and then home to light the candles. Her new husband leaned over and said, "My mother taught me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.


She then lit the candles and he again leaned over to her and whispered, "My father taught me that after lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.


After saying their prayers, they went to bed, but when they awoke the next morning, he said, "My grandmother taught me that before going to synagogue, it's good to have sex." So they did.


After praying all morning, they came home to rest and again he whispered, "My grandfather taught me that after praying, it's good to have sex." So they did.


On Sunday she went shopping and ran into an old friend who asked, "So? How is the new husband?"


She replied, "Well, he's no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!" .

2007-03-27 00:50:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord. Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."

2007-03-27 00:48:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

-A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.

-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.

-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

2007-03-27 00:47:34 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just love reading embarassing stories of other people.... hmm... I think I'll vote for the funniest story... ;)

2007-03-27 00:45:57 · 3 answers · asked by somebody 1

A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Coke and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: If a woman speaks, and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

2007-03-27 00:45:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

How to say "I Love You" in 9 languages

English - I Love You

Spanish - Te Amo

French - Je T'aime

German - lch Liebe Dich

Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu

Italian - Ti Amo

Chinese - Wo Ai Ni

Swedish - Jag Alskar

Redneck - Nice butt. Get in the truck.


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the > >trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

2007-03-27 00:42:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A FAIRYTALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"

The girl said "No", and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

2007-03-27 00:40:24 · 15 answers · asked by mandy 3

Have u ever put water in ur sisters bed so when ur sister wakes up she would think that she wet the bed or put water in a can of pop and say to ur sister do u want a drink. Some thing like that.

2007-03-27 00:39:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're
wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: What do you call six nude men standing on each other's shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole
Sky has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view

2007-03-27 00:36:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your horn sticks on the freeway while you are behind 32 Hell's Angels.

You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the Suicide Hotline and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You get to work and Mike Wallace and a crew from "60 Minutes" is waiting for you.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You put both contacts in the same eye.

Your mother approves of the girl you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

2007-03-27 00:36:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy walks into the doctors and points at his head "It hurts here doc".

He points at his neck "It hurts here".

He points at his chest "It hurts here".

He points all over his body complaining of the pain.

"What's wrong with me doc?"

"Let me have a look. Hmm..........I see the problem.........You've broken your finger!"

2007-03-27 00:33:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring stories over and over.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 a.m.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion tthat you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big mean guy named Chuck.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2007-03-27 00:33:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-27 00:31:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our marital problems. Just goes to show ya how much she knows - I'm never home.

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm, trim body or my intellect. She said, "Your sense of humor dear."

I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive driver. I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the paper's gonna print her real age.

My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches me like a hawk.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

2007-03-27 00:31:09 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Warm Lover
Jim was talking to his new bride, Mary, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"

To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

"Really?" he said excitedly.

"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary
definition of the word 'warm'."

Rob was pleased until he went home and, just for fun,
checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

Miss Me?
I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

2007-03-27 00:28:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

In case her guests asked for black coffee.

2007-03-27 00:26:56 · 13 answers · asked by *♥* donna *♥* 7