Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

2007-03-27 08:10:47 · 9 answers · asked by Amanda M 4

2007-03-27 08:06:00 · 15 answers · asked by dodgie dave 2

to enter the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a man in sunglasses, tee shirt, and jeans.
St. Peter says to the man "I don't recognize you. What was your occupation?" "Taxi driver" the man replies.
"Good, here is a silk robe and soft sandles and have a good time."
To the evangelist he says "Here is your synthetic robe and plastic clogs."
"Why do you treat him better than me?" asks the preacher.
St. Peter: "You made people fall asleep. He scared the hell out of them and made them pray."

2007-03-27 08:02:05 · 6 answers · asked by Everyman 3

2007-03-27 07:56:04 · 9 answers · asked by Naadia Z 1

I really want to make my friend who is over tonight and she spits milk out her nose so it would be great if I could get her to laugh while drinking milk! So jokes please!!!?

2007-03-27 07:47:07 · 5 answers · asked by Rascal_Flatts_Fanatic! 2

There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"... At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together"

2007-03-27 07:45:54 · 12 answers · asked by GuessWho 2

2007-03-27 07:40:10 · 15 answers · asked by ♥♥♥♥ 1

2007-03-27 07:38:53 · 12 answers · asked by ♥♥♥♥ 1

Birth Order of Children
Pregnancy
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

2007-03-27 07:33:18 · 2 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

The name for a team in a baseball draft "No Poor Breakfast" is funny and I dont get it? Some one explain the joke to me.

2007-03-27 07:25:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

2007-03-27 07:16:05 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-27 07:04:30 · 22 answers · asked by ♥♥♥♥ 1

What can help man to see or make him blind?
Can build a building or tear it down?

2007-03-27 06:59:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message
to mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £100, she exclaimed: "I don't
have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the
next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now pull down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead .. take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ...
"Well.... go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
close to her lips, ....... tentatively said ....


"Hello Mum, can you hear me?"

2007-03-27 06:58:33 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

mensentertainment

2007-03-27 06:57:04 · 9 answers · asked by Marian joe 1

Forward I am heavy, backwards I am not. What am I? what is the answer please!

2007-03-27 06:55:18 · 16 answers · asked by rover45662001 3

A lion, a bear, and a rabbit were fighting to the death in the woods, along came Chuck Norris and__________.

2007-03-27 06:53:42 · 8 answers · asked by Pennywise 3

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later of naughty fun, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

2007-03-27 06:53:37 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fat person (200 lbs) and two thin guys (combine weight of 200 lbs) are stuck in a sinking island and they need to get to the other island near by before sunset. They have a raft but can only carry 200 lbs and the water is infested with sharks. How can the three safely arrive at the other island???

2007-03-27 06:52:34 · 6 answers · asked by Caribou 6

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic Church,sat down in the confession booth and said nothing.The Priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.The Priest coughs to attrack the drunking man's attention,but still no answer,the Priest then knocks on the wall 3 times in a final attempt to get the man to speak,finally the drunk replies,No use knocking pal,No Toilet Paper Here.

2007-03-27 06:47:03 · 10 answers · asked by rebelady28379 7

the conversation went like this !
DB : '" Ello mate ! Went to Elton Johns birthday party last night ! Great night everyone was in fancy dress " !
WR : "Nice one Becks, who did you go as ? "
DB : " eeerrrr, ummm, errmmm, whats the name of that old English queen " ?
WR : " Elizabeth " ?
DB : " Naaaa " !
WR: " Mary " ?
DB. Naaaa " !
WR : " Victoria " ?
DB : " Thats it ! Victoria, who did I go as to the party last night ? "

2007-03-27 06:44:45 · 16 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

There was a giant storm, it was rainig and storming and all the power was out, a man was riding his bike and was getting poured on so decided to stop at a haunted hotel, when he went into the door there was a yellow sighn a green sighn, and a red sighn. HE went through the red sighn, when he got out he saw a blue purple and a orenge sign. he went through the purple door when he felt like someone was following him. He looked back and there was a creepy looking guy and asked him a question, it was should i kill you with a gun or electronic chair?

2007-03-27 06:38:42 · 13 answers · asked by The Chairman Of Jazzy Films 3

Suddenly freaks out, opens the door and jumps!

He survives.


How?

10 for the first right answer!!!!

2007-03-27 06:37:17 · 18 answers · asked by sammi 6

she sees a wizend old man hunched on a bench , she says " my your old how did you manage to achive that , plenty of excercise & good diet " . No replies the man i drink three bottles of whisky a day smoke 60 rollup's and eat nothing but junk food , wow she say's & how old are you , 28 he replied

2007-03-27 06:22:57 · 2 answers · asked by dunrockin404 5

10 to the first right answer:

A man lives in a 40 storey building. Everyday (except Sunday) he goes to work and takes the lift (for U.S guys - elevator) to the ground floor and goes off to work.

When he comes home, however, he only takes the lift to the 12th floor and then walks up the stairs to his apartment.

Why?!

2007-03-27 06:22:45 · 33 answers · asked by sammi 6

Whats the difference between outlaws and inlaws?

drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr(drumroll)

outlaws are wanted!

mizzp xx

2007-03-27 06:00:22 · 28 answers · asked by MizzPinkDiamond 2

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

2007-03-27 05:56:35 · 2 answers · asked by chimi c 1

bang bang choo choo train
let me see you do your thang.
i can't.why not?just can't!

ma back ache
ma bra too tight
my booty shakes from
left to right!

2007-03-27 05:49:35 · 18 answers · asked by rebelady28379 7

the answer is 2-3+4-7+8

2007-03-27 05:48:15 · 41 answers · asked by sickelsie3 3

2007-03-27 05:42:56 · 17 answers · asked by Vanessa H 1