Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says, "M@s -tur- b@te."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "Actually Miss, You're thinking of a b_l_0_w j0b."

2007-03-27 10:53:23 · 10 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Fidgety fingers was sitting on the floor doing a jig-saw puzzle.

She says to her husband "I've been sitting here for 2 solid days trying to complete this thing. It's meant to be a tiger but i havent managed to get a single piece to fit together."

he replies "You must be tired. Why dont you put those Frosties back in the box and come to bed".

2007-03-27 10:53:16 · 8 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

One night, as a couple lay in bed the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry hun, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back and taps his wife again......"Do you have a dental appointment tomorrow too?"

2007-03-27 10:48:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you are kept in the dark, and fed on bulls**t.
Are you a mushroom...hummmm.

2007-03-27 10:47:03 · 7 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Get caught cheating on a test or fail it?

2007-03-27 10:46:33 · 10 answers · asked by Trisha 4

AIDS.

2007-03-27 10:43:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Richard is in the hotel lobby...he wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. Richard turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If you p***s is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 233."

2007-03-27 10:40:05 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

,sex with my wife is down to 3 times a year". the other man say's same here pal, as a matter of fact if my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open, i'd have none at all....

2007-03-27 10:38:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man awoke one morning and he noticed he had an orange p*nis.
Mistified by this he tested it, making sure everything was fine, and it was.
So he ignored it and went to work.
While in the urinal a friend looked over and seemed very suprised.
His friend said, "Dude! What happened, doesn't that hurt?!"
He said, "Nope, i just woke up and it was like that."
His friend replied, "You should get that looked at."
So after the man finished work he went to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "This is a special case, what exactly did you do this weekend?"
The man said, "Not much, just ate cheetos and watched p*rn..."

2007-03-27 10:38:06 · 13 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

2007-03-27 10:37:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.'Look I'll give you £100 if you'lll change the wedding vows.When you get to me&the part where I'm to promise to'love honour and obey'&'forsake all others/be faithful to her forever' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman £100&walked away satisfied. The day of the wedding&the bride&groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.When it time for the groom's vows the vicar looks the young man in the eye& says: "Will you promise to obey her every command and wish&serve her her breakfast in bed every morning of your life&swear eternally before God&your lovely wife that you will not ever look at another woman as long as you both shall live? The groom gulped&looked around&said in a tiny voice,'Yes'. Groom leaned toward the vicar&hissed,I thought we had a deal .'The vicar put the£100 into his hand & whispered... "She made me a much better offer."

2007-03-27 10:35:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The food is good but half an hour later you are hungry for power!

2007-03-27 10:34:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

when they see the driver screaming in pain they tell him to calm down that at least he was not flung out through the windscreen like his girlfriend, he screamed back "have you seen whats in her mouth"

2007-03-27 10:27:38 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pregnant woman and her husband went to her doctor so that he could try a new treatment to take away labor pains. The treatment ment that all the pain wud be placed on the childs father each time she felt it.

The treatment started and the husband felt no pain, the doctor pumped it up, the wife felt no pain but yet the husband still felt nothing. He turned the machine up to the highest level and still the husband felt no pain. He sent the lady and her husband home and told them to return in 14 days so that he could make some repairs. So they returned home, only to find there mail man dead on there door step...

Get it? Im so lame...

2007-03-27 10:27:11 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1st to answer gets best answer points. ( No offence to big girls!)

2007-03-27 10:24:34 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's an old couple sitting watching TV, when the woman decides she's got to do something to spice up their lacklustre sex life.

With a mischievous glint in her eye, she goes upstairs and searches through her wardrobe.

She finds an old pair of stockings and suspenders, a moth-eaten basque and a fancy-dress cape.

Putting them on, she creeps downstairs and kicks open the living-room door. "Darling!" she shouts, running in. "Super Pu55y!"

Her husband glances up, then looks back at the television. "I'll have the soup, thanks."

2007-03-27 10:23:24 · 7 answers · asked by Jay A 3

hide his food stamps in his work boots!


(im not racist btw)

2007-03-27 10:21:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I can have any woman I want here."

The bartender raises an eyebrow and says doubtfullym "Yeah? what's your secret?"

The guy takes a long pull off his pint, looks at the barkeep and says, "I'm a rapist."

2007-03-27 10:21:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

After marrying a younger woman, a middle-aged man finds that no matter what he does in the sack, she never achieves 0rg@5m.

So he visits his doctor for advice. "Maybe fantasy is the solution," says the doctor. "Why not hire a strapping young man and, while you two are making love, have him wave a towel over you?"

The doctor smiles. "Make sure he's totally naked - that way your wife can fantasise her way to a full-blown 0rg@5m."

Optimistic, he returns home and hires a handsome young escort. But it's no use: even when the stud stands naked, waving the towel, the wife remains unsatisfied.

Perplexed, the man returns to his doctor.

"Try reversing it for a while," says the quack. "Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

So he returns home to try again - this time, waving the towel as the same escort pumps away enthusiastically.

2007-03-27 10:20:50 · 8 answers · asked by Jay A 3

One day a construction worker left the job a little early and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple, with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his p***s in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop! Stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you?" ......"Are you?"

"Nope" replied the construction worker, "YOU ARE!! ......I'm going to set fire to the garage."

2007-03-27 10:19:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teenage boy who is a virgin is told by his long time girlfriend that they will finally have s*x. But first she tells him, he must buy c.ondoms.

Off he goes to the drug store where he study's the rows and rows of different types of rubbers. He finally chooses the style he thinks will pleasure his girlfriend most and redfaced makes his way to the checkout counter.

The clerk rings in the boys purchase and says "That will be $5.99 plus tax".

"Tax?" the shocked boy says. "I thought they stayed on by themselves."

2007-03-27 10:13:34 · 10 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

2007-03-27 10:11:02 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10yr old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he said.
'An ambulance just drove by.'
A few minutes passed...'Looks like the Andersons have company' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee.
Mum and Dad shot up in bed. 'How do you know that? the startled father asked....
'Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,' his son replied.

2007-03-27 10:09:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Back to back they face each other. Holding swords they shoot each other, a deaf policeman heard the noise and came and sliced the 2 dead boys.




It's so confusing! I know! Yet somehow to me it's funny.

2007-03-27 10:07:33 · 9 answers · asked by sillyshas 2

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "Oh my, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."

2007-03-27 10:07:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did jesus turn water to wine?

2007-03-27 10:03:48 · 7 answers · asked by luxlugger 1

Tricky goes to a doctor because he thinks his p*nis is simply way too long. It makes it hard to get into clothes comfortably; it sometimes scares the ladies too. It also seems to impair his speech.

After his consultation and exam, the doctor schedules him for surgery to shorten his p*nis a remarkable seven inches, leaving seven in place.

The patient says, " Dddoctor, ddo yyyooou tthhink I willll bbbe hhapppy aafterr tthhe ssssurggery?"

The doctor assures him he'll find the normal life easier to deal with and the surgery is performed.

But at the post-operative visit, the patient says, "Doctor, I can't believe I lost my studder since the surgery! It is remarkable. But, I have to say I do miss the extra length! Is there anyway you could re-attach what you took off?"

"Nnnooooo wwwaaayyyyy mmmmmate!," replied the doctor!

2007-03-27 10:02:42 · 21 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

2007-03-27 10:02:17 · 9 answers · asked by laura 1

ok theres this wolf who hasnt eaten for days and finds a compound with sheep in it. the bars were too close together for the sheep but the wolf could easily slip through. the wolf is about to eat his fill but he realized that he wouldnt be able to fit back through if he ate all of the sheep. what did he do to eat the sheep and leave the compound without waiting until he got thin enough to fit theough the bars?

2007-03-27 09:57:14 · 7 answers · asked by !!! 3

2007-03-27 09:56:07 · 14 answers · asked by babygirl p 1