Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

uuuummm...you might have your hand on me now, people think that i like chesse, and i got one ball some of us do!

2007-03-27 05:41:35 · 15 answers · asked by seth williams! 2

I have never been tempted to munch on one anyway, but I'm curious. For those booger-eaters out there, how old were you when you stopped? (hopefully you stopped.) Did they taste good?

2007-03-27 05:39:11 · 14 answers · asked by floridaguy 2

ok heres one for you....i can stop the sun, i look good backwords and some peopel put logos on me! what am i? and i know my spelling sucks!

2007-03-27 05:24:58 · 13 answers · asked by seth williams! 2

Fully expecting to be probed, I became excited. When the martians took off my clothes, all they could do is laugh and they sent me straight back to bed. No probe, no nuthin. Should I be offended that aliens find my undesirable?

2007-03-27 05:24:11 · 13 answers · asked by floridaguy 2

2007-03-27 05:23:38 · 17 answers · asked by raangarv 1

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

2007-03-27 05:18:40 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blonde girls from Essex walk into a department store. They
walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,

"That's quite nice, don'tcha fink, Susan."

"Yeah. Wot's it called Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? Wot's that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Susan again
saying,

"That don't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to
you?"

2007-03-27 05:16:44 · 10 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

what you have to do is have someone lay straight on the ground and they cant laugh talk or open their eyes untill you tell them to. then recite this:
Imagine ur on a beach.Suddenly u dose off.you wake up and no ones there. all of a sudden you see a shadow of a man.you dont know where you have seen him or where he came from. then suddenly...BOO....he grabs you by ur wrist and takes you to his secret lair. he puts you to sleep with sleeping medicine. next thing you know you fell cut put sew up(run your finger down the persons arm pat it and run your finger back up. do this to the arms the legs and the stomach wile reciting that last line.) you wake up. (tell the person to try to get up) if they cant get all the way up. Then it worked. tell them that they are full of sand)!

2007-03-27 05:16:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-27 05:14:43 · 16 answers · asked by jam99_2u 3

A bus driver is taking the oaps' for a day at the beach when he is tapped on his shoulder by a sweet old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, "thanks" he says as he munches

After about 10 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

As she is about to hand him a third handful, he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

MizzPink :p

2007-03-27 05:07:37 · 11 answers · asked by MizzPinkDiamond 2

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

2007-03-27 05:05:44 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy gets on an elevator and begins to ride down. the elevator stops. and a beautiful woman gets on. after a few seconds the man leans over and asks "excuse me, but can i smell your p*ssy?""no", rages the woman."oh" the man replies, "must have been your feet".

2007-03-27 05:02:48 · 26 answers · asked by Tammie Tempesta 2

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

2007-03-27 05:02:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-27 04:59:50 · 6 answers · asked by dirky15 2

There is a pink single story house and everything in it is pink. The doors are pink, the windows are pink and the TV is pink. What color are the stairs? I really like this one even if you have heard it

2007-03-27 04:57:57 · 16 answers · asked by Katie S 3

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my MIL." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

2007-03-27 04:53:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.
"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".
Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"
"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."

--------------------------------------
A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!"
"Good.."
"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."
"Good..."
"Now can you take off my panties."
"Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

--------------------------------------------
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

2007-03-27 04:49:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-27 04:40:59 · 17 answers · asked by lushpoppy 4

They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. What are they?

2007-03-27 04:33:58 · 7 answers · asked by Katie S 3

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

2007-03-27 04:33:05 · 13 answers · asked by chimi c 1

What did the lil baby corn say 2 the mama corn.

2007-03-27 04:32:30 · 4 answers · asked by roblow16 1

let it not be too drastic make it simple and fun and believable

2007-03-27 04:21:33 · 12 answers · asked by twinkle stars 2

Why did the one humped camel cross the road?
To get to his girl friends house for his other hump! LOLOLOLOL

2007-03-27 04:21:32 · 8 answers · asked by UnP0ssible 3

I am more powerful than God, worse than the Devil, Rich people want me, poor people have me and if you eat me you will die.

What am I?

2007-03-27 04:19:07 · 7 answers · asked by Stephanie_ is_ bomb. 3

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

2007-03-27 04:16:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was walking in the woods one day and happened upon a frog. the frog said ."I am really a prince and if you will kiss me and return me to a prince I will grant you three wishes"

The woman kissed the frog and a prince appeared.

"Grant me my three wishes " said the woman.

The prince replied .."I will grant you your three wishes but first let me explain the rules"
"Whatever you wish for you will get, but ...your husband will get your wish tenfold".

"Ok Ok said the woman ...I wish I were the richest woman in the world"

The prince replied" I can grant that wish if you are sure ...but remember ...you husband will be ten times richer than you and he will be the richest man in the world."

"Well said the woman....I love him and he loves me so that would be ok"
"Poof" said the prince you are now the richest woman in the world...what will you have for your second wish"?

Well said the woman..."I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world"

2007-03-27 04:15:54 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone oestrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphin's into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilliser in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

2007-03-27 04:15:33 · 10 answers · asked by chimi c 1

Whoever can answer all the riddles correctly will get the points. Good luck everyone!!!

Which moves faster: heat or cold?

What's the difference between here and there?

What won't break if you throw it off the highest building in the world, but will break if you place it in the ocean?

What kind of coat can be put on only when wet?

What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?

2007-03-27 04:09:03 · 17 answers · asked by mickeymouseroyalty 2

2007-03-27 04:02:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

PRAWN STORY
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck......
Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.
............He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."

2007-03-27 03:58:30 · 20 answers · asked by chimi c 1